Even Now

I have only audibly heard the Lord twice in my life. The first time I was 15, and the second time I was 26. Both times it was like a gentle whisper that I kept second guessing if it was real, but I know without a doubt it was Him. Both were promises He gave me, but what I didn't understand was the timeline. As humans, we get so impatient and we often look for instant gratification, so when the answer is delayed or we have to wait we get upset. It's easy to forget that our timeline doesn't operate the same way that His does and truthfully as I get older I am so thankful for that. The first promise He gave me was that I would be a wife and a mother. I was reading a book and there was a moment where the character had to decide to save her own life or her child's, and I remember thinking I would absolutely choose my child's life over my own. Maybe that's weird for a 15-year-old to be thinking like that, but my whole life I have known that more than anything I wanted to be a mother. I remember sitting on my bed, reading this book, getting emotional over the lives of fictional characters, and the Lord gently whispering, you will be a wife and a mother - I have this for you. At first, I tried to convince myself that it was just my own inner thoughts and dialogue because it was a strong desire of mine, but the peace that washed over me and the fact that it felt like His voice made it hard to explain away. I don't really know how to describe His voice. It's not like it was a deep, sounding like Morgan Freeman, but neither was it a strong, thunder-powering voice either. It was just a gentle, quiet, but firm voice that made me feel like I could rest in His promise. 

The problem with us humans is that we get impatient and try to control things ourselves. I knew the Lord had called me to be the very thing I wanted most, but what I struggled to do was trust Him to fulfill it. I did things my way and in turn, found myself in the middle of a second-rate fulfillment of a promise I tried to bring to fruition by myself instead of letting Him do what He does best; which brings me to the second time I heard His voice. A little over 10 years after He gave me the first promise, I found myself incredibly broken and sitting on my couch crying out to Him because I couldn't understand how I had allowed myself to get to the place I was in. I was hurting by the betrayal of someone I loved deeply, and I was embarrassed because everyone was right. It was the lowest I had ever felt, and as I sat there not having the words to say besides Jesus over and over again- I heard Him speak. And again it was this balm to my soul that allowed me a moment to catch my breath and not feel so alone; He said, do you trust me? I've got you.

A four-word question that was answered easily with a resounding yes, and yet the last however many years had proved time and time again that I didn't. At some point, I had started operating out of a scarcity mindset and my prayer life had been reduced to monotonous prayers and genie-like requests. It was easier to believe He had forgotten me because then I could justify my lack of faith and trust. I think part of why I failed or fell short is because I focused more on the rules and lost sight of my relationship with Jesus. I was wrapped in so much shame and guilt that I was doing things out of obligation like checking off boxes of what makes a good Christian and trying to feel better about the choices I was making that didn't honor Him. However, Jesus isn't a routine. He is a way of life. The only way. And it's not about what you can do- it's about what He can do. 

It's in the waiting where we get to stretch our faith muscle. I hate waiting, so clearly, that muscle was pretty weak for a large part of my life. I was trying to go off other people's experiences versus really taking the time to grow on my own. In one of Christine Caine's podcast episodes (Trusting in the Wilderness), she said, "You don’t know what God is protecting you from when you take the long way around. Thank God for the long way. By taking us the long way around, God prepares us for what he already has prepared for us. The long way around isn’t a punishment it’s a preparation. God is a loving father who is forming our character." I want to start looking at God and say “Wow, you did all of that just to know me and be with me. Instead of, why haven’t you given me what I want?” 

Prayer is not about getting what you want. It's about learning to be in a place of full surrender to Him and His will. A place where you can trust that how and when God does answer your prayer- it will exceed your expectations. And sometimes that answer is no, which can be so incredibly heartbreaking. There are times that I don't understand that answer, but at the end of the day if I believe that God is who He says He is, then He will be faithful through the most amazing yes or gut-wrenching no. It doesn't have to make sense for us to trust that He is still good. And sometimes no doesn't always mean a resounding no, but rather it could be a not yet. We have to be careful to not get so caught up in not getting what we want that we miss out on what God is doing. 

Recently, I started reading The Circle Maker by Mark Batterson because it had been recommended to me several times. To be honest I didn't have any major expectations for the book or think about the effect it would have on me. I've read several of his books, and in college one of my first posts on this blog was about his book, Soul Print. All of that to say, picking up the book was merely a "let's read this next" decision, but I had no idea how the Lord would use it to change how I pray. I mean I probably should have known that considering the tagline underneath the title is "Praying circles around your biggest dreams and greatest fears" but truthfully I just grabbed a new book from my shelf that I hadn't read yet. The words I have read so far though have been exactly what I needed to hear and be challenged by, so I don't think it was a coincidence that this is the book I chose. 

In his book, Mark Batterson writes, "But we should praise God for disappointment because it drives us to our knees. Disappointment is like dream defibrillation. If we respond to it the right way, disappointment can actually restore our prayer rhythm and resurrect our dreams." If I'm being honest, I don't want to relive or camp out in my disappointments, but neither would I go back and change them because they are what drew me and has continued to draw me closer to God. It was in those moments that I had nowhere else to turn, and I didn't understand the why behind His silence or His no's that I knew I had to keep praying. And slowly over time, through those prayer declarations and laments my relationship with Him grew stronger. Things still don't always look like how I thought they would, but when my eyes are focused on Him I am able to see more clearly all the ways His hand has been and continues to be on me, protecting me, and guiding me to be exactly where He wanted me.

John 11:20-22 says, "When Martha heard that Jesus was coming, she went out to meet him, but Mary stayed at home. “Lord,” Martha said to Jesus, “if you had been here, my brother would not have died. But I know that even now God will give you whatever you ask.” The more I get to know God and spend time with Him the more I want an 'even now' faith. When things look bleak or don't make sense, I want to continue to place my hope in Jesus and believe that even now He will provide.  That's the kind of faith that goes beyond feelings and rests solely in Jesus. 

At the end of the day, we have to remember that God wants to bless us beyond anything we could ask or imagine. He wants to hear from us and He wants us to tell Him exactly what we want. I think the important thing to keep in mind when we do this is to check ourselves on where is the posture of our hearts. Are we asking with a certain expectation or are we just sharing with our Father our deepest desires and trusting Him to work all things out for our good? That thought process has shaped how I've prayed over the last month and it has drastically changed how I talk to God and my expectation for the outcome of those prayers. Batterson says, "And if we pray in alignment with the will of God, He always provides." God is not cruel, and He has never and will never abandon us. Even now in the darkest moments of my life, I know He was and is with me. Even now in the longest periods of waiting I know He was and is still working. Even now I choose to believe He always knows best, and we have to choose to continue to pray hard through those moments of doubt. We have to trust that even if things seem impossible and nothing makes sense His plans always prevail and are always better than anything we could fathom. 

Abba - give me an even now faith to see beyond my own feelings. Help me to open up my heart to you and align my desires with yours. You are a promise-keeping God, and I place my hope in you to carry me through anything this life might throw my way. Thank you for who you are and for all the ways you have answered my prayers and continue to be my source of light. Amen.