Being Made Whole Again

Last summer I read two books, Heaven is for Real and 90 Minutes in Heaven. Both made a tremendous impact on me, and I will never forget what they are about and why I like them. They are two more books that I would definitely recommend putting on your To Read list! I promise that everything will make a full circle once I am finished with this post :) However, it might be a little lengthy...

After reading these books, I experienced peace about what would happen when I die. I was no longer afraid of dying and going to Heaven because there all my troubles and my pain would truly float away. I would finally be in the presence of my Father, my Abba, my Papa. I can't not be excited about that prospect! 

My whole life has been focused around my desire to be a mom and to get married, so much so that it became more important than God. My plans began to direct my life, and I wanted what I wanted for myself more than I wanted God's plans for my life. That was the first of many wrong mistakes that I have made in the past 2 and a half years. I tried to create my perfect reality when in truth I was only creating a fantasy world where I thought everyone and everything was great, but I was really unhappy, and I could not even admit it to myself. I did not want to be wrong, and I did not want to have failed in what I thought was the perfect life I had made for myself. It's silly to think about, but I remember thinking to myself, "It's ok God I got this one." I know that He must have been so frustrated with me because those are not remotely at all the words He wants to hear from us. But I was so determined to guarantee myself the life I always wanted that I basically did everything I could to only rely on myself. Stupidest mistake of my entire life, and yet I still continue to make that same mistake to some degree today. Who am I, to even think that my plans for my life could compare to God's plan for my life? It's flat out crazy is what it is! 

I am a major people pleaser, and so the thought of failing God was miserable to me. And of course the devil chose that time to step in and bring me down even more. I kept saying that I was letting go of the life I had planned for myself, only to take it back just a few days later. Over and over again I would pray for God to forgive me and for Him to take the reigns, and again I would take it back. I was so frustrated with myself, and I just beat myself up more and more each time that I failed at letting God have control. It was exactly what the devil wanted me to do. He wanted me to feel worthless and useless because from that he could feed me more lies to believe. Like that I would never be good enough, I was undesirable, unforgivable, and unchangeable. Every time I failed he would bring me farther and farther down into a pit of despair where each time I felt like I would never be able to get out of. Yet every time I cried out in frustration and anger at myself and the devil, there was a light that was reaching down to pull me out of my self pity. All I had to do was reach up and allow it to overcome me. It didn't matter how many times I screwed up because God was always there willing to take me back. The truth of the matter is though, that I am tired of failing and making mistakes. I am tired of disappointing God, and I am tired of trying to be this person that I think everyone else wants me to be. And I know that God is probably getting tired of my charade as well. I am not perfect, but that does not give me the right or the excuse to not try to strive and be more like Jesus. God does not want us to wait until we have fixed ourselves to give ourselves to Him. He wants to be the one right beside us, guiding and directing us on the plan that He has for our lives. I do not know why I cannot seem to let go. I do not know why I cling so tightly to my plans when I know without a doubt that if I stop trying to construct the perfect life and let God show me His way that I will be so much more happier. I do not want to use the same saying of well I am only human because by now that just feels old. It's time to take responsibility for my actions and start to make a change. I saw this skit about 3 or 4 years ago and I cannot even begin to describe the impact it made on me. To this day I cannot watch it without at least tearing up. It is powerful and moving and right now I feel like I am in this place where I am trying to fight back and Jesus is reaching out for me. If I take one step closer, then I take two steps back. It's an ongoing battle that the devil does not want to lose, so he will do everything in his power to win it. The thought of giving up as crossed my mind because sometimes fighting is tiring and it does not feel worth it, but I know that once His hand touches mine and holds on there is a feeling like no other. A feeling of being safe and a feeling of being home that you can only experience through Christ. I have had the privilege of feeling that way before and I want so desperately to be back at that place. I encourage you to take a look at this video, and I pray that it might make you see that it is worth it.

I have no idea when Jesus will come back. I mean it says clearly in His word that you will not the day nor the hour. It really cannot be any clearer than that. Now earlier when I said that I am no longer scared of dying because Heaven is going to be so great, I didn't mean that I wanted to go right now. There are still things that I want to see and experience. What I meant by that is that I felt the most trust in that moment with Jesus because I realized that whenever my time does come that my desire will be to truly be with Him and Him alone. I still want to be a mom. I still want to get married. I still want to graduate college. Now I don't want to do those in that order, but you get what I am saying! Jesus knows the desires of our heart, and because I know that I am not afraid or at least I was in that moment. I have faltered since this summer because God has placed some obstacles in my path in the last half year because He has something greater for me planned. I didn't want to believe that, but I know the only way to be made stronger is to go through trials and tribulations. The only way to truly be prepared for the life laid out for me that leads me to Heaven, is to go through the hills and valleys that God has so perfectly orchestrated into my life. God promises in Corinthians that He will never give us more than we can handle. In another passage, He also promises that He will never leave us nor forsake us. That's some promise to me! I want to stop being scared of being alone because the truth of the matter is, I will NEVER be alone. God is always right by my side even if He seems silent. I am stronger than I think I am, but only because God is shaping me into the person He wants me to be. He knows when we are ready and normally it is never when we think we are. I mean let's be honest here, He is a heck of a lot smarter than us. I am tired of trying to not be me. In college, everyone is trying to figure out who they are and who they want to be, but I feel like (especially me) we try on personalities and qualities like clothes, and I am not for sure if that's the right way to go about it. I have been less of a person than I want to be normally. It's time to step up and become the Woman of God that He wants me to become. It's time to make a change even if it is just making a small step in the right direction. Doing something is better than doing nothing. Before I go I have on more thing to share with you. I know this is a lot to read and comprehend, but this is my favorite part. 

This is a picture of Jesus entitled, Prince of Peace. Just looking at it gives me the chills, and His face always captivates me especially His eyes. It's hard to look away because I feel all sorts of emotions race through me just by one look. In the book, Heaven is for Real, it talks about how the boy sees Jesus and as he grows up his parents always show him pictures of Jesus and there is always something wrong with them. The boy says one's nose is not right, or it's his hair, or skin. However, when the boy saw this picture of Jesus he could find nothing wrong. He said that it was Jesus. Ever since reading that I have spent lots of time staring at this picture because it blows my mind that I could be looking at the face of God. Obviously, when I truly do see Him it will be infinitely better than this picture, but still even something so closely similar is truly amazing. A nine year old girl drew this painting of Christ which just reminds me of the verses where Jesus shares that we should be more like the children of the kingdom. I have no idea what my future holds anymore, and I know that I have said that a few times before, but there is a feeling of calmness that spreads through me when I look upon this picture. Seeing Jesus's face reminds me to breathe and remember, You are not alone. I am tired of running and being scared because I have no reason to be when I have a Father is waiting for me with open arms. I want to run unashamedly into those arms and fall to His feet. I want to be made whole again. Til next time. 

Sister Sister :)

Today I will be sharing with you all how awesome my sister is. This is her and her husband, Will.

There is just about six years between my sister and I, and we were not always as close as we are now. Growing up, I remember a time when we practically got into a fist fight because it was swelteringly hot outside and our car had just broken down. I also remember the time when she punched me in the stomach for not getting out of her room, when our older brother, Cody, came home from college one weekend. Despite all of that though I love my sister, an enormous amount, and for those of you who do not have the privilege of having a sister I must say that you are most definitely missing out! I moved to college last semester and that meant living less than 15 minutes away from her which I was pretty excited about. I normally see her a few times a week, and I know that I can call her whenever. For example, I called her last night, and she took time in between her clients to just have some sister to sister talk, and I really appreciated that because I really needed my sister yesterday. Sometimes I go over and have dinner with her and Will, and practically every Thursday we have lunch together in Campus Center. Thursday lunches are by far my favorite of the whole week. 

My sister is a counselor and right now she is getting her Masters degree in counseling, and she will graduate in May! Yay! She has been working hard the past two years to finish it, and I will just say that I am one proud sister :) She is pretty great, and she is one of the hardest working people I know. Not only is she beautiful, but she is creative, hard working, and an extremely powerful woman of God. The latter is one of the reasons why I look up to her so much. I feel like she is always following what God wants her to do, and I can see His light shining through her. I aspire to be more like her every day. I don't know if she knows that I think all these things, but I look up to my sister a lot. I used to even be jealous of her when I was younger because my sister is the girl that everyone always loves. Which is another reason why I am proud to call her my sister. I swear even when she has a bad day she is nice to most everyone. Now, family is an exception because that's just what happens when you are family, the frustration gets taken out on you. But I don't mind too much :) Last semester, my college had a homecoming and my sister did my hair and make up and I felt gorgeous. This is a picture of us!

Aren't we just adorable? :)

I will say it again, I LOVE my sister and I would not want anyone else to be my sister but her because she is just that great. I never fully appreciated her until this past half year or so. She has lots of wonderful insight and advice that I always take to heart. She knows what she believes and she stands up for it. She is strong willed and when her mind is set on something she will accomplish it and I wish I had that endurance. She is also probably one of the most confident people I know and that was one of the things that attracted her husband to her :) He told me that one time when we were talking! Which speaking of Will, my short shout out to him, he is pretty great himself. Larissa was lucky to find such a great man of God, and I am glad that he treats her the way that she deserves. I hope to have a marriage not exactly like theirs, but when I see them together I can just see the love oozing out of them which is cute, but some days it is just sickening :p I still love them both though! Anyways, back to my sister, I look forward to continuing to grow closer to her while at college. I know that I can trust her with anything, and she will always be one of the few people who will understand me, even when I don't always. My sister is passionate about anything she does, and I love seeing her work towards something she wants because it gives me someone to model myself after. I am my own person, and I know she does not expect me to be like her, but if I had to pick someone to be like it would be her. I wish all of you could meet her because I know that she would make an impression in her life like she has mine, despite the fact that she is my sister, and I will always love her no matter what :) Larissa, if you ever read this, know that I love you more than life itself, and I thank God for you every day because there could never be a sister that is as wonderful and amazing as you. I know that I can always come to you, and even though I may not always like what you have to say, deep down I know that you are probably right! I can't wait to go to Africa with you and Will and see what God has in store for us there :) 

Til next time.

Soul Print

So I have recently begun reading this book entitle, Soul Print, by Mark Batterson. My best friend gave it to me to read last semester, but it just sat there while my life was dominated by school and work. However, the other night I saw it laying there gathering dust, and I decided that I would take his advice and start reading it. And it was phenomenal. A total God thing (you will find that I will probably use that phrase a lot. It's short and sweet way of explaining the power of God in my life) I would recommend this book to anyone who is just trying to figure out who they are in life and in God's plan of this great big universe. I feel like most days we try and act like we have it all together, but I will be the first to admit that my life is messy. I do not always wake up every day with a cherry disposition, I mean I know it might be hard to believe, but some days I can be a real jerk. So I take this time now to apologize to anyone whose feelings I may have hurt because of my short and sometimes sarcastic comments. But back to the point of this post, the book. Unlike most books, I have chosen to take my time reading through this one. I only read a page or two at night, and often I read and reread what I have read because I want it to soak in. Now I am someone who likes to hurry and rush through things, so that I can move on to the next thing in my life. Like I mentioned in my former post, I had my whole life planned out down to when I was going to married to when I wanted to have my first kid to what my job would be. Crazy, I know, but unfortunately, true. But like I also said God had another plan in mind that he just chose to wait and share with me after I had already made these plans set in stone in my head. He has a real great sense of humor, but I still love him :) My whole life I have been searching for Mr. Right because I want to get married and have a family. Sounds simple, right? I didn't realize that that is not exactly the best way to go about searching for your perfect mate. Batterson puts it best when he says, "In God's grand scheme, it's never about orchestrating the right circumstances. It's always about becoming the right person." I am sure that in some way that had been told to me, but reading it in the way he worded it just hit home for me. I can't be ready to meet the person God has for me when I am not prepared myself. And as prepared as I felt I was, I was no where near ready because He has more to show me before I can settle down. As humans we never want to admit that we are weak or not good enough, but let's be honest we are both. Yet, like I mentioned before God is always there to give us strength and to tell us He loves us despite the mistakes we have made. Lately I have been getting impatient with God because I have no idea what I am doing most days. I don't have a plan of what comes next in my life, and I have no clue what He wants for my life. Do I become a teacher and work with deaf children? Or do I become a reading teacher? Or do I even become a teacher at all? What if I am supposed to be a missionary, but I am not listening close enough to what He wants for me. However, amidst all this chaos in my head, I have found more peace in the last semester than I ever thought possible. I am beginning the art of having a life without a plan, and it has been the best thing for me. Now that's not to say that I have not struggled with it, but when I let go and let God I experience life in a whole new way, and I crave to experience every day like that. God is teaching me patience, reliance, and trust that He knows  best for my life. Another passage that stuck out to me in the book was, "God wants you to get where God wants you to go more than you want to get where God wants you to go. So take a deep breath, enjoy the journey, and know that God will get you there when you're ready to get there." Could anything else sound so reassuring? After reading that, I literally took a deep breath and sat back to ponder what all he meant by that. Could it be possible that I could let go of every dream and desire I have ever had, and I could choose to entrust them to God because He has a plan for my life that I could never completely understand or imagine? The answer to that is YES! God knows you better than you know or understand your own self. He is the one who created you and knitted you in your mother's womb! How cool is that? He knows everything about you, and you do not have to hide from me, well technically you can't. But he does not want to force things from you, He wants you to want to share with Him. No matter how messy your life might seem. Even when life seems bleak and dark, the one person who will never leave your side is God. Remember, "without a crucifixion there is no resurrection" (Batterson). At first, I didn't understand how that applied to my life, but reading more into the passage it began to make since. We are going to face dark times, life is going to suck, we are going to want to quit and just give up because that's easier. I mean even Jesus faced feelings of uncertainty about his Father's plan for his death. But out of that darkness, we learn things about ourselves that we might have never known if we were not put in that position to face the things we did. We faced our demons with (hopefully) God at our side and came out even stronger for it. God does not want bad things to happen to you, but sometimes we have to go through experiences to become the person we were meant to be in the long run. Jesus had to die because if he didn't, He would have never rose three days later, and His blood would have remained unshed, and I don't even want to think about where humanity would be now. So just like Jesus we must go through our own crucifixion, whatever it might be, small or large, in order for us to be able to rise up on the other side. Now this is all so easy to sit here and write, but it is much harder to actually live this way. I have had my fair share of dark days, and I am sure I will have more to face in my lifetime, but I choose to hold on and get through the dark days with my Father by my side helping me along. Some days I hide, but He always remains by my side. Always. And you know what the cool thing is? Even though I may not learn or understand right away what the point of my darkness was God knows and in His time He will show you and you will understand and be thankful that you have faced and beaten down the things you have. I know that I am. I would not be the person I am today, if God had not had me face the obstacles I have. I never truly thought I would thank Him for those experiences, but I appreciate everything I have been through because I would not love God the way that I do now, and I most definitely would not have the passion to serve Him like I do. I encourage all of you to just let go because He will always be there to catch you. Giving Him control was the best thing I have ever done in my entire life, and to be honest it is a battle most days to not take the reigns back, but I know in the long run stepping back will be the best thing for me. Mark Batterson had it right when he said, "God wants to do something immeasurably more than all you can ask or imagine." All you have to do is let Him. Til next time.

Square One

Honestly, when it comes to blogging I have never been interested in starting one, but lately the thought of it has been more appealing. Before this year, I had my whole life planned to a T, and that is in no way an exaggeration. But God has this funny way of doing the exact opposite of what you plan for your life. So instead of choosing to pout over what happened, I pulled up my big girl undies and chose to trust God. And that's not to say that every day since as been easy or even enjoyable, but I know that every day I live it is worth it to do my best to follow Him. I am not perfect, far from it actually, but I choose to live every day as best as I possibly can to honor Him. However, I still screw up and make mistakes, but the cool thing about having Jesus as my Father is that He forgives me over and over again. I do not think I ever truly appreciated that until this year, and I still find that I am in awe of Him most days. I am so unworthy of His grace and love, but He gives it to me anyway. The best part of that whole thing is that all I have to do is ask for it. Probably the easiest thing to do. Ever. Yet, I still find myself making excuses some days, when really I should just stop trying to be what everyone else wants me to be, and just be, well, me. And me is someone who loves to laugh even at things that are mildly inappropriate. Me is someone who loves to bake, but half the time gets impatient with it. Me is someone who absolutely loves to read and loves eating oreos and peanut butter on a rainy day :) Me is someone who loves to dance and someone who loves most any genre of music. Me is someone who has only wanted one thing my whole life, to be a mom. The latter is probably something God is going to use to teach me patience even more in my life because we have had many discussions over it. Those are just a few things that make me Hannah and believe me when I say there are plenty more things that I could share, but the list would be entirely too long. And I am sure by now you (whoever actually chooses to read this) are tired of reading me is someone who... over and over again. I am just an average college girl trying to figure out what in the world I am going to do with this life that has been given to me. Every day is an adventure :) Til next time.