One year. 12 months. 365 days and then some. Countless hours and minutes.
All of that and more to bring me to the place I am in exactly at this moment. If someone had told me a year ago that my life would look like it does now I'm not sure I would have believed them. I write this with a smile on my face because I am overwhelmed with emotion. I am so grateful to my family and the friendships I have formed, but most importantly to God for how incredibly faithful He has been to me. I can confidently say that I have experienced joy countless times in the last year, and I have never felt so mentally, emotionally, and physically healthy as I do right now. Sometimes I think back to a year or so ago and it makes my heart sad to think about the person I was. She was so lost and alone. She was hurting and so incredibly empty. I look back at pictures and the smile is plastered on because of all the turmoil in her heart. The thing I love now though is the fact that I get to use her as part of my story. I get the opportunity to use her to show others God's repeated blessings in my life. I wouldn't want to go back and relive it all, not even for a second, but I am grateful for my past because it brought me to exactly the point I am at today. My divorce gave me the chance to rebuild my life with a different, sturdier foundation.
The thing about life is that it goes on whether we want it to or not. It continues on whether we are here or if we are no longer. Life is beyond us because we are not the only ones even if we continue to isolate ourselves. It would have been so easy to halfway put myself out there- to just do enough to get by. However, deep down, I knew I didn't want to waste this chance God was giving me to do better, be better. When I moved I told myself I wanted to be 100% in with wherever I went to church. I was not going to be someone who just showed up every week and slipped in and out without being noticed. If I was going to allow God to use me and my story, then I had to jump with both feet. After my first Sunday at Life.Church I knew that God was doing something special there. By the end of the first month, I was plugged in with a life group and serving on Sundays and Wednesdays. It was genuinely the best decision I could have ever made. The people I have met there have changed my life and have given me the space to be exactly who God wants me to be- broken bits and all. So many people saw me for me, and I didn't have to fit into anyone's boxes before being loved. It was like a breath of fresh air I didn't even know was possible or how desperately I needed it.
Another thing I promised myself was a full year focusing solely on my relationship with God. I told myself I wanted to experience Him like never before. And I did just that. I kept my word. I put in the work and pushed myself in ways I never have before, and if I'm being honest, there was a part of me that expected a certain result at that year mark. I'm not saying I didn't or don't see all the amazing changes that have taken place in my life, but what do you do when you reach your goal and it doesn't exactly meet your expectation? Part of me feels like all the positive things are overshadowed by the simple fact that I'm not where I thought I would be. Sometimes I feel like I'm left the same as I started and maybe at times I even start to feel worse because my expectations haven't been met. Therein lies the problem: unrealistic expectations. Even as I write this I know how silly and selfish all that sounds. God has done some BIG things in my life and has moved in major ways, so now because it's a year later I'm upset because it doesn't look exactly as I anticipated? Ungrateful, much?
I say all of that to show I'm human. Not that I should use that as an excuse, but to prove that even those that feel like they're on the mountaintop have some serious valley moments in the midst of all the happiness. It's my whole two emotions existing at once. Truly if someone was in my brain I think they would run screaming for the hills. I know I'm exhausting. This year I know I need to quit trying to plan ahead. I need to learn to be in the now. I need to be exactly where my feet are and where I planted all those seeds. I need to care for each one and give them space and time to grow. I want to enjoy every small and mundane thing because there is joy to be found there. Why put in all the hard work if you're just going to fly by and not appreciate all the small victories along the way? It's important to celebrate each one. They should be remembered because life isn't always sunshine and rainbows.
I can't tell you how many moments I have had along the way where I wanted to give up because it hurt too much or just seemed like my past was going to keep popping up wherever I looked. The shame and the guilt, at times, have felt too much to bear. However, I remember reading the following somewhere and it was a swift kick in the gut: "Why do you keep reminding me of what my son died to redeem? Was His death not enough for you?" And oof. I mean truly talk about a slap across the face. I remember reading and rereading that and realizing that I can either tightly cling to all the mess that God has already taken from me or I can let it go and allow God to do a new thing in my life and truly accept His absolutely free gift. The thing is the past is the past. It's there. I can't change it and I can't remove it. My only option is to surrender it to God, ask for forgiveness, and then take small steps forward. God's grace is enough and it washes over me like a tidal wave. Again and again and again. So why fight it and explain all the ways I don't deserve it because I absolutely do not- when I can accept it and use my story to show others exactly who He is and what He has done for me.
I am learning to trust in exactly who God is and know that the plans He has for me are greater than anything I could ask or imagine. In the last few months whenever I start to have doubts, I hear this small voice from God in the back of my mind asking, but do you trust me? I want to say yes, but how many times do I end up just like the Israelites quickly forgetting all the ways God has come through for me? How many times do I receive "manna," but I find myself asking (probably more like whining) for "quail" instead? It's a reality check because I can't just say those words. I have to live a life that is a reflection of them.
Christine Caine once said, "I have learned to place what I do know about God above what I don't know about the future." Worry leads to stress which leads to anxiety and that's just a dark path that I don't want dictating my life. I have no idea what the future holds. Do I get impatient? Of course. I want to get married again and experience it exactly how God designed it. I want to be a mom and know what it's like to hold my child in my arms. Do I get frustrated? Absolutely. So many things have aligned in my life, seemingly perfect, only for them to disappear just as quickly. It's irritating and confusing, and sometimes I just want to shout, I've done the work, God, how much longer do I have to keep working? However, I know that I don't want all those things my way. Been there, done that - it doesn't work. I just need to show up, take the first step, and then keep going. One small step at a time.
Many times though I see other people and it's hard to not want what they have or want to be where they are at in life. I mean social media makes it so easy now to live in a constant state of comparison. It's the whole the grass is always greener on the other side situation. Inevitably someone's response to that is usually well the grass is greenest where you water it. Yet there are many times where I think, God I am literally drowning my grass by giving it all the water I can, and I'm still here with what seems to be, at the moment, no change. However, when I take a step back and stop trying so hard, I can see just how far I've come in a year - truly my grass is flourishing. Maybe not in the way that I anticipated or thought, but I'm growing the most beautiful garden with the help of a mighty God and that is something to be thankful for. I need to be like the horses that race with blinders on so I can avoid the distractions and lies around me that make me think where I'm at is less than desirable. My race, my story is all mine and can't be compared to anyone else's. God is using me exactly how He wants and I'm learning to trust in His timing. Not my will, but His.
I edited and re-edited and cut and pasted this entry so many times because it was mixed with so many positive and then negative emotions. I felt like I was going to be giving anyone who reads this entry whiplash. Honestly, though that's a perfect representation of this last year. Both good and bad. Pretty and messy. Smooth and bumpy. Content and distraught. And the best part is God is present in all of it. He's there even when I don't feel it or see it or remotely understand it. He's there in the midst of the storm and in the peace of the calm. He's there working everything together for His glory. And I for one could not be more thankful for his patience with me and all my emotions.
2020 was a really hard year for so many reasons and for so many people besides myself, but I didn't hate it. I might even be the crazy one that says I enjoyed it because it's where I rediscovered myself and I got to experience God like never before. This last year has taught me that I am resilient. I am kind. I am stronger than I think. I am beautiful- inside and out. I am passionate and bring light into this world. I can do hard things and new things. I am NOT defined by my past. I am worthy of being loved. And most importantly, I am chosen by God.
Guess what.
So are you.
No matter the past. No matter the mess. No matter the doubts.
A lot can change in a year. Are you willing to take the first step?
