At the start of this year, I felt confident that my word of the year was growth. After finally reaching a place of restoring myself in many ways, logically I thought the next step was to expand on these new findings and grow into more of the person God wants me to be. In my mind everything centered around going and doing more. Trying harder. Striving higher. And yet ironically, the last couple of weeks I have felt this incessant fight within me to just be. Be still. Be content. Be listening. Be firm. Be confident. Be quiet.
I started doubting my word. Maybe I got it wrong. I felt like I was missing something or that no matter how hard I tried to fill the void it still wasn't working. And then there that feeling would come again. Just be. Be exactly where you are right now. Don't look ahead. Don't look behind. Just be. For someone who talks incredibly fast, whose brain moves a thousand miles a moment, and who walks with a purpose (I get ridiculously annoyed with slow walkers) this concept of just being still is incredibly difficult. I mean truly the task seems near impossible. I have places to go, people to see, things to do. However, that feeling keeps coming back to me. Just be.
What if there is growth in being content exactly where you are placed instead of constantly trying to be somewhere else? What if instead of trying to work towards the next thing I start appreciating what's right in front of me? I'm learning there is joy to be found in the simple, everyday tasks. To start being grateful for the small details we so often miss because of the hustle of trying to get somewhere else.
I want to be the slow and steady. Not the coming in hot and burning out quickly I am so notorious for. I want to show up and say what do you need? I want to be the hands and feet of Christ and do it for the simple fact that everyone deserves someone in their corner. I want to be the one that can fight for the person that feels like they can't anymore. I want to hold the hand of the person that feels like they can't take the next step, so I whisper encouragements to hold on and keep moving. I want to notice the way someone smiles and if it reaches their eyes or not. I want to be the one that can just sit and hold space with someone who needs it without filling the void with words. I believe that comes with learning to just be.
You'd think the idea of slowing down and taking a step back would be a delightful one, but this control freak actually finds it daunting. What if I miss something important? What if I don't try and not doing becomes a failure in and of itself? How does one just be? How do you just stop and breathe and let your mind be exactly where your body is rather than running ahead?
My prayer lately has been that regardless of what happens in my life I want to remember that God is still and always will be good. He is working in my life and weaving all the pieces together for my good and His glory. I have to learn to be patient and allow Him to work rather than putting a time limit and parameters on Him. I have to learn to sit instead of trying to look for the next thing. If you know anything about me, you know that the simple task of sitting still is not one that I do well. However, I just feel this constant reminder to plant my feet and be present in the exact moment I am in. Relish all the pieces of that moment- good and bad. This moment will not last, so enjoy it while it's here because you won't get it back. How much sweeter would life be if we could live each moment exactly as it is rather than constantly trying to move ahead and figure it all out? I've noticed that when I do take a breath and slow down I begin to see just how well God works in the tiny details. That even in the smallest most insignificant ways He is moving and listening to us. His love for us is so vast and deep that we can never truly comprehend it, but he shows us daily just how much. I want to be willing to see it rather than missing it completely.
I don't know what the future holds. I wish I did. I wish I knew what I was walking towards and what to expect. If I did, then I would know how to prepare and what steps to take to get me there. I think in this season though God is continually challenging me to just trust Him. To take steps forward in faith rather than in the knowledge of what's to come. This is scary for me. I love surprises, but not this kind. This season I am in has been amazing in so many ways, and God has been faithful even when things didn't pan out how I anticipated. I know that He is walking with me, before me, and behind me. That continues to prove itself true each day, but man what I wouldn't give to know what He sees ahead. Then again not knowing is just another opportunity to trust Him. Relax and let Him do the heavy lifting. Chris Renzema has a song called "I Don't Wanna Go" that I have listened to over and over again this week, and it's been a solid reminder that I don't want to go anywhere that God isn't taking me. I want to be exactly where God is because He is enough.
He is present in every moment, and He is listening to every heart-filled cry. He will never leave us or forsake us even when we desert Him. He is moving in the chaos of your soul and the stillness of each fleeting moment. He is in the crashing of every single wave and in the blooming of each bud. He is in every valley and on every mountain top. He is working all things out for our good. Always.
So I know that I need to just be. I know that I need to relax and let go. I need to lean into His gentle reminders that He has it all figured out, so I don't have to. I get to sit still and breathe while He does all the work because He can and will. My job right now is to be exactly where my feet are, with my palms facing up, and surrendering everything to the one who knows me best. There's a lot of unknowns in my life right now, but there are also so many things to be grateful for, so I'm choosing to focus on that. I need to trust the One who has literally always come through for me. In His presence, I need to just be.
