Some say that the biggest battle you'll ever fight is the one within your mind. In the last year, I can think of at least three different books from well-known Christian authors who focus solely on this war. That alone should prove how prevalent and very real this issue is among so many of us. And yet even being aware of it and attempting to gather as many tools as possible to fight it, I still find myself struggling to not have the same battle every day. Especially when things happen in life that only exacerbate the feeling. In my mind, I tell myself that it only proves my biggest fear. On my stronger days, when this thought crosses my mind, I just imagine Jesus on the side jumping up and down waving his arms trying to tell me that all of that is just absolutely not true. Why is it so easy to believe the negative over the positive? Why do we spend so much time dwelling on what we will never be versus all that we are right now?
The saying of you are our own worst enemy is more true than I could have ever imagined. As I get older I have found that I'm the one that sets myself up for failure by trying to strive for what I think everyone wants from me rather than just focusing on God and what He wants. I create these unrealistic expectations and when I don't meet them, I beat myself up for it. This, as Brene Brown would say, is my shame gremlin: supposed to be. I've talked about it before, but I cannot tell you the number of times I have allowed myself to spiral because of this feeling of not measuring up or because of the mistakes that have led me to where I am at today. And yet when I think about it all of these feelings are what I have put on myself. No one has told me that I'm not where I'm supposed to be or that I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing. Only I have told myself those things. So I guess the question I have to ask myself is- who am I really living for?
If it's God, then dadgum girl, let those expectations fly away because He wants me exactly as I am. He wants you exactly where you are with or without all the bells and whistles this life has to offer. There is nothing we could say or do that would impress Him or turn Him away from us. Literally NOTHING. He doesn't care where we are at because He just wants us. I mean shoot He gave up His own son for us and He knew that we would turn from Him. He knew we would screw up. He knew we wouldn't listen. He knew we would outrightly choose everything but Him, and He still sacrificed His son. If that doesn't scream love, then I don't know what does. I'm not a parent, but I can only imagine how excruciating it would be to watch your child die a painful death.
It's in these moments when I focus on that sole fact that I begin to get irritated at myself for doubting and then I start spiraling in the other direction. Then I imagine God just shaking His head at me, not out of disappointment, but out of frustration that I'm still making it about me when it isn't at all. It's about Him and what He has to freely offer us. That gift is always free and it's always there for us. He is always there for us. Every time I come crawling back with my metaphorical tail tucked between my legs He is there to greet me with grace and joy and never does He say I told you so. So why do I take His love for granted so often? Why do I know the truth and so often run from it?
My mind is the thing that is ruining my attitude and actions. It's high time I take that control back.
There's a saying that I have written in the notes folder on my phone, and for a long time, it was also on a sticky note that was placed on the inside of my work computer so I could see it every day. It says, "Feelings are meant to indicate, not dictate. Recognize them, but focus on the facts." I think this resonated with me because I have been told my whole life that I make emotional decisions and while that isn't always a bad thing it also is not a good thing. God gave us emotions for a reason, but they often mislead us. Sometimes people or things bring out feelings within us that can make it confusing to make a clear decision. It doesn't mean that we should never listen to how we are feeling, but it is important to not take them as the one and only answer.
Just because something happens out of your control doesn't mean it gets to completely change the narrative. Don't give a moment or series of moments that much power. Identify what you know to be true and what God says is true and meditate on that. Your mind will believe what you tell it, so make sure you're filling it with what's real and not lies you've built from half-truths.
For example, I started a new position this year and while I am beyond excited I am also filled with loads of anxiety. I am afraid that I won't do the job justice and that maybe I wasn't the best choice for these students. The moment that I begin to focus on those feelings, then I immediately begin to conclude that I am unqualified and not a good fit. I know that those last two statements are not true. The only truth is that I am new to the position and may lack knowledge that others who have been doing it longer will have. That doesn't mean I won't learn or pick up that knowledge. However, it's hard to not allow my feelings to run away and create their own story when I'm feeling so unsure. The same can be said for emotions rooted in anger or sadness or jealousy. The thing is I know that I wouldn't have been hired or chosen if the higher-ups didn't think I was capable, and I know that God wouldn't have opened that door for me if He didn't want me there. So it's in those moments where I make myself say (sometimes out loud) that I am nervous about my new job, BUT I am ecstatic to be trying something new and I will do my best to give it my all. I can give my feelings space to be seen, but not let them be the ones stealing the show.
It's exhausting fighting this battle every day about so many aspects of my life, but I would rather fight than just roll over and give up.
I had a friend tell me once that I tend to have a "balls to the wall" mentality which can be great but also can be detrimental at the same time. It's what sometimes gets me in trouble and leads me to make not well thought out decisions. It's also what leads to burnout when that same passion isn't returned or extended to me. And it can be what fuels unnecessary spirals. All of that starts in my mind and with the emotions, I'm currently feeling and allowing to grow inside of me. I know that it might sound silly or even too easy of a concept, but truthfully sometimes it is that simple. Taking control back starts with the thoughts you are allowing yourself to think.
If I'm learning anything in this season, it is to truly believe that God is exactly who He says He is, and He ALWAYS comes through. I think this is important to get through my thick, stubborn skull because if that is the truth I live by, then I need to remember what He says about me when I start to spiral in my mind. At the end of the day, I can either choose to believe the lies that are growing from insecurity, or I can fight them with the truth from the One who calls me valuable. I don't know about you, but I would rather listen to someone that lifts me up versus someone who tears me down.
If you're like me, struggling with some of these feelings, please know I see you, I feel you, and you're not alone. One of my many favorite quotes is: "Life is tough, darling, but so are you."
Choose to stand up to the lies the enemy plants and let's fight back. We control our minds and all of our thoughts, and to be honest, he isn't even that creative. The only way he gets power is by us handing it over to him. Don't forget that you were created by the Alpha and Omega of the Universe. Stand tall and walk forward with the confidence of knowing you are chosen by the One who is always faithful.
