Thoughts from a 2

I love enneagrams, and I do realize that they aren't the end all be all, but I love how it has helped me understand myself a little better during this growth period in my life. Even if you believe there's only some truth in them, I still think something can be said for just feeling seen by others who are similar in number to you. Sometimes when I read things about others who identify as the same number as me, I have this moment where I can just exhale because someone else gets it and understands me. They have gone through some of the same spirals or irrational thinking. They have thought the same thought as me or have struggled with the same struggles. When you know that you aren't isolated by your experiences it can open so many doors to places and people you didn't even know were possible. I know that I am not the only one who feels this way because I know of several friends and other people I have come across that not only know their enneagram number but have researched them as well. However, I do have other friends that view them like they're a horoscope and they don't want to put much stock into them. Either way- it doesn't matter to me because my experience and my life aren't theirs. We are all entitled to our own opinions, and I personally love the enneagram and all I have learned from it.

My enneagram number is a two, which is known as the Helper. They are known as the caring interpersonal type and the enneagram institute uses words like generous, people-pleasing, possessive, and demonstrative to describe them. A two's deepest desire is to be loved, but their biggest fear is of being unwanted or unloved. They have a strong desire to be needed and appreciated and they enjoy expressing their feelings. I'm not sure that I could be any more of a two based on all of those simple explanations. In three sentences my entire being is given a definition. I might be exaggerating slightly, but honestly, that truly does sum me up in the simplest sense. On paper the definition of a two sounds like rainbows and sunshine, however, when they are unhealthy it can be not so great. I have seen this play out in my own life, specifically in my last relationship.

The Enneagram Institute states, "Average to unhealthy Twos seek validation of their worth by obeying their superego’s demands to sacrifice themselves for others. They believe they must always put others first and be loving and unselfish if they want to get love. The problem is that “putting others first” makes Twos secretly angry and resentful, feelings they work hard to repress or deny. " For years, I felt like I had to earn his love and I fought tooth and nail to prove that I was worthy and lovable. And just like the quote says I did become angry and resentful at times because it felt like no matter what I did it was never enough. However, when I was finally able to get out of that unhealthy situation I was able to see how wrong that thought process was. Now that doesn't mean I am all of the sudden a perfect, healthy two because I still struggle with that thinking as my default. If I just do enough, say enough, love hard enough, then whoever will see that and in turn give me love and appreciation. I'm continually breaking myself of this habit, but I can attest that it is getting easier. I believe this is because I have taken the time to reflect on myself and all the choices I have made thus far in order to try and understand who I am. More importantly, though I have taken the time to turn to Jesus to discover who I am in Him and what He says about me. 

While many people don't see the validity of the enneagram, I believe that reading about my type has really helped me begin to see maybe why I made some of the choices that I did or ones that I continue to make. I'm not saying I can use my type as an excuse, but it does help me see what I tend to lean towards when I'm feeling a certain way and it helps me give names to feelings and emotions that I may not have been able to identify prior. Like I said previously, this is not the end all be all, but if you had the chance to even attempt to understand yourself and your inner workings better, wouldn't you want that opportunity? I have also taken the time to read into other enneagram types, which I believe is helping me to understand how to interact with others in a more productive way. For example, I have several friends that are nines, and I know they definitely do not thrive off confrontation. Knowing this information can help me determine how to approach them in a way that won't make them feel attacked or ambushed if I have to discuss an issue with them. Your number doesn't define you or limit you, but I do believe it can provide interesting information about yourself that you may have never thought about. 

I follow a couple different accounts on Instagram, and one of my favorites is @chalkandleaves and she shared this post a while back that really stuck with me. 

Enneagram Two Reminders:

1) You are not responsible for everyone else's feelings. 

2) Letting someone help you doesn't make you useless or less lovable. 

3) You don't need praise or a "thank you" for your good acts to be good. 

4) Carrying other people's emotions and stress won't make them better. 

5) Taking a break does not make you selfish. 

6)You don't have to do something just because someone asks you nicely. 

7) You might need to step away from the situation to find clarity. 

8) Canceling a plan to take care of yourself doesn't make you a bad friend. 

9) Please remember to breathe. 

As a two, I have had to learn that I won't get everyone's love and appreciation. I have to get to a place where God's love and appreciation are more than enough, and anyone else's is like the sprinkles on top of an ice cream sundae. I'm also learning that I'm not responsible for someone else's emotions. As much as the fixer in me wants to smooth everything over for each person I meet that's hurting - it just isn't feasible, no matter how hard I might try. I am only in control of myself and my actions, and I want to make sure that whatever I do is a reflection of Christ. God has created me this way, so I want to use my helper ways to bring glory to Him and Him alone. I don't need to be chasing after someone else's affections because it's not going to bring me the validation I desire. The only person that can do that is Jesus. I wasted so much time running towards all the wrong things, but how lucky am I that my God is a God of second and third and one hundred plus chances. I continue to see this truth play out as I read through Genesis and it blows me away how completely faithful God is to His people even when they didn't deserve it. He is a God of restoration, and He continues to restore me every single day. 

So I'll wear my label as a 2 proudly, and continue to pray that God will shape and grow my tendencies to be used by Him. I'm going to lean into the fact that I love being there for others, but also recognize when I need to show up for myself. Boundaries can be hard because I hate disappointing people, however, sometimes they're necessary and important to set for my own sanity. I'm grateful for the way God has designed me, and I'm excited to see how He continues to push and change me into more of who He has called me to be. 

PS: If you ever want to talk enneagram, I'm your girl. 

Seeds

Welcome to 2021! We have all been eagerly awaiting this new year, and I think many of us have very high expectations for what this year will look like compared to last year. However, the cynical side of me doesn't have that high of hopes. All the hoopla of ringing in the new year only for the following days to look like the previous ones from the previous year. I recognize how horribly depressing that sounds, but I'm just trying to be realistic. We find ourselves in the same season we were just in except this time a different year. I don't want to be ungrateful for the place that I'm in, but I find myself sick of the monotony of it all. I'm ready for something new, something life-changing, but then I ask myself if this is really what I want or not because with those things comes hard things. Am I prepared to do the work it requires to start something new or take steps forward into the unknown or do I just enjoy the sound of it? I'm scared to hear myself say the answer out loud because I know what I want to believe I would say. I guess it depends on the day that you ask me, but then I think about the last year of my life. The year of 2020 was an incredibly hard year for me. However, last year showed me I can. Amidst all the pain and uncertainty, God took my heartache and turned it into something so much better than I could have imagined. I put in the work during 2020 to make myself see and understand my worth that now I want to put it to good use. I chose the word enough as my one word for 2020, and I feel strongly that I achieved that. I believe 2021 is the year for me to push myself. 

God laid the word growth on my heart. I think this word has multiple meanings for me in this new year. For starters, I think it means growing in my understanding of who God is and building my relationship with Him. I think it means growing beyond myself and asking God how He plans to use me to help others. I spent a lot of time focusing on myself last year, which I truly needed, but now I have to grow outside of the comfort zone I've created. There are seeds He has planted in me and I have no idea what to do with them. He's done the planting, but I need to do the work of caring for them.  Seeds are just seeds unless they are tended to and given the water and nutrients they need to grow. This last week we had a guest speaker at church and he shared the story of Death Valley and how in 2005 this random rain poured down over the desert, which resulted in a  valley of gorgeous, blooming flowers. The seeds were always there, but they weren't being tended to in order to allow them to grow. He said God has planted seeds in all of us to be the people He designed us to be, but it's up to us to help them grow. That one line had my mind spiraling as I sat in my seat attempting to listen to the rest of the message. 

 My struggle has always been what am I good at? What do I enjoy doing? My answer has literally been the same since I was a child: reading and writing. Of course, I enjoy doing other things, but those are the two things that I really love that are considered productive. I can't do a whole lot with watching tv and movies although they just fill my head with unrealistic fantasies. What if my whole life God has been planting seeds in my heart and I've just been ignoring or discounting them? Also, I don't even know what those seeds are and honestly, I wonder how does one figure that out? This last year I spent time rediscovering things that I enjoy like running, rock climbing (although I'm not very good), blogging (verdict is still out if I'm truly a writer), listening to new music, and then this is where I draw a blank. I know I did more things and I know that I like more things, but I constantly sell myself short and I can't think of anything else. Then I go down the spiral of what if those things are enough, but the world is telling me I need more? Or the opposite- what if that isn't enough and I don't know myself as well as I thought I did. Does anyone else have these spirals randomly? Please tell me I'm not the only crazy one in this world.

Growing up, I always said I wanted to be an author, but it was one of those pipe dreams that I never really believed could come true. Recently, my desire to be a writer, like a real one with a well-known blog or book, has been revived. I feel as though it potentially is one of those seeds God has planted in my heart, but I don't know what that looks like for me. There are a handful of writers that make me feel so incredibly seen, and I want to be that for someone. I want to make someone feel like they aren't alone because of the words that I craft. I want to be the one that gives someone the space to breathe and realize they don't have to have it all together even though I literally just went on a tangent about how I'm trying to have it all together. Unrealistic expectations for myself much? I'm always way more willing to give grace upon grace to others, but I always struggle to do the same for myself. I know at the end of the day all anyone needs is God, but I pray that He could use me to be a light to someone; to be a bridge to getting to know Him better.  When I voice that dream out loud it just seems like an impossible feat, and all I can hear in my head is how insane I am to think that out of nowhere I could just write a book. Who am I to think that my story is worth telling? This constant battle of feeling like I'm not the only one to have gone through the things I did, so I'm definitely not special. And yet isn't that the reason I should be writing? The fact that I'm not the only one, and I could be putting words to my experiences with the chance they might make it to someone who needs to know that they are not the only one. It's crazy how one day I can feel so firm in who I am and the next day be questioning every single little thing. 

I think this is the part where I have to put in the work to tend the seeds God has given me, but I'm not sure where to begin, so I tend to shut down before I even start to try. I don't want to be a quitter, but I have to figure out how to be a starter first. So here I am in this season of limbo- this season of I know I have a lot to offer and I know that I am so incredibly blessed by God, but also this season of I feel stuck. This season of feeling like what in the world am I supposed to be doing because I'm not where I thought I was supposed to be. I'm tired of being seeds. I want to be blooming flowers and towering, strong trees. I want to be planted and building roots and growing more into the person God has called me to be. I know what people would say though: It takes time. All good and great things take time. Ugh. I get it, patience. Honestly, maybe that should have been my word for 2021. There's always next year I guess. I guarantee that my lessons for that particular word are not going to diminish anytime soon. In the meantime, I'm going to do my best to tend to the seeds He has so graciously given me and begin to take small steps forward. So here's to 2021 and growing into more of the person God has always desired me to be.