Turbulence

Turbulence, like many of you probably already know, is what you experience on an airplane when it goes through unsteady winds and it's not really something you can prepare for. Instead, you almost anxiously wait for it to happen and when it does you have to trust the pilot and just ride it out. It can be small jolts lasting only a moment or two, but other times it might make you grip the armrest tightly and feel never-ending. It's something that interrupts your otherwise smooth ride when trying to get from point A to point B. It's inconvenient, sometimes scary, but it does eventually end. You might experience it again later in your flight or it could just be the one time or if you're lucky not at all. I feel like grief is similar. You can prepare for it in the sense that you know you may experience it, but you're not sure when or if you actually will. You don't know if it's going to last a moment, an hour, a day, a week, or a whole month. It can come out of nowhere. You're on a smooth ride and everything is truly great, but then it hits you, and like how you trust the pilot to bring you through, I have to trust God to bring me through when these moments hit. Sometimes it's the easiest thought to call on Him and other days it's a battle because the feelings are deep and dark and oftentimes all-consuming. 

Grief is weird. I feel like I have said that sentence more times than I can count in the last several months, but it just shows up and often at the worst of times. I will literally have days and weeks where I feel so joyful and whole, but then something will trigger me and the next day is almost debilitating with emotions. I find myself wondering if everything was a bad dream and I have to walk myself through certain events to remind myself that it was real. Trauma and its aftermath is a doozy, and it's definitely not something that is meant to be dealt with on your own. I recently stopped seeing my counselor because of the move, and I was so confident that I was fine and doing great, but one of those days knocked me off my feet, and I felt so much sadness and anger if I'm being honest. Part of me just wanted to keep laying on the couch doing nothing, but then this other part of me that I have been growing and cultivating told me to get up and move forward. It didn't instantly change all my feelings, but instead of letting them control me, I made a conscious choice to not stay in them. I verbalized my emotions to myself- yes, I am still at times incredibly angry, sad, and hurt, however, I have never felt so safe and happy and excited about my future. So I clung to the latter feelings, knowing that I have to keep taking those steps forward because I am headed in the right direction even if it doesn't always feel like it. 

I think being Type A also makes it hard to wait and trust for everything to fall into place. I very much want to know what is my next goal or what is the next thing I am working towards. This in turn sometimes causes me to question God and my purpose, which I think questioning isn't wrong, but it's easy to fall into the rabbit hole of "woe is me" and not actually do anything to change it or find answers. Today Pastor Craig shared a sermon which is the first one in the new series: Called. It was exactly what I needed to hear because it focused on God's calling for us. For me, I always think about this as a specific job or place, but he shared that our calling is "about WHO you are before WHAT you do." So simple, and yet so easily confused. The ultimate reason we were put on this earth is to serve and love others in order to share the good news that is Jesus Christ. We are called to be like Jesus, so in turn, that is WHO we are called to become rather than WHAT we are called to be doing. He shared that "WHO you are is way more important than WHAT you do," which I think as humans can be really hard for us because we want our actions to be recognized and pointed out. We live to be noticed by the things we do rather than the people we are. However, in our calling to be like Jesus it is through that that we learn what we need to be doing. When we are faithful from the big to the small things, then we are doing what we were called to do. It's hard for me to not want an exact assignment or task, but I'm slowly realizing that through being faithful by serving, praying, sharing my story, etc. that is in turn fulfilling my call even if it doesn't always feel like it. One of my favorite quotes from the sermon is "the size of your assignment does not determine its significance." Pastor Craig shared the example of David and Goliath and the story of feeding the 5000. In those moments, they had no idea that something so small and seemingly insignificant would have the impact it did. I have to quit looking for my next task and learn to be content in the season that I'm in. I am working through grief and it sucks, but instead of being constantly upset with myself for not moving fast enough or for still having moments of sadness, I have to learn to accept where I am at in my journey and trust God will guide me through as long as I am living for and serving Him with integrity, passion, and faithfulness. Success is not measured by all the things that I accomplish, but rather by how faithful I am to Jesus. It might just be that I am fulfilling my call by rediscovering myself and who I am in Christ as I work through all my emotions, and that's enough. 

Just like turbulence slows down a trip and creates a bumpier ride- grief may slow down the timeline of healing (in my mind) and make it a longer experience to get through. However, in order to move past it, you have to go through it and allow yourself to feel everything. If a pilot chose to speed through the bumpiness it could put everyone in danger and rushing through the tumultuous winds could cause more problems rather than solving the current one. Sometimes you have to take the hard, slow road in order to get to the place where God wants you to be. Experiencing the feelings of "unsteadiness" can be jarring and difficult, but staying on the course allows for moments of growth which ultimately will lead to healing. And in this thing called life, God is our ultimate pilot, so we have to rely on Him to steer us through everything. He promises in Hebrews 13 that He will never leave us nor forsake us, and He has proved that to be continually true in my life. So bring on the turbulence because it's in those moments where God holds me the closest and when I cling to Him the tightest. Plus, it's generally in these places where God reveals Himself and it allows for some truly amazing opportunities for trust and growth. Grief is hard, but I believe working through the turbulence in my life (my emotions) will make me stronger and wiser for the road ahead that He has prepared for me. 

To end I want to share a new song I heard this morning at church called, "Graves into Gardens," by Elevation Worship. It was one of those moments where I felt like God really wanted me to lean in and hear His promises to me through the song's message, and in my current state of life, I felt like it could not have been more fitting. Below I have shared a small section of the lyrics that spoke to me, but honestly, the whole song is amazing and everyone should listen to it. 

I'm not afraid

To show You my weakness

My failures and flaws

Lord, You've seen them all

And You still call me friend

'Cause the God of the mountain

Is the God of the valley

There's not a place

Your mercy and grace

Won't find me again

Oh, there's nothing better than You

There's nothing better than You

Lord, there's nothing

Nothing is better than You

(I know it's true)

I've said it before and I'll say it again, my life is not my own, and my God continues to reign victorious. When I experience those mind-numbing moments of grief, because I know it will happen again at some point, I have a choice, and I will continue to choose Him and His truths every single time.