It's been a hot minute since I sat down to write, and I think it's because I have had so many thoughts running through my mind that I'm overloaded. I should have been taking the time to write and get them out to organize them, but I was feeling overwhelmed, so I avoided it. I realize that's never the answer in dealing with things, but that's just where I was at. I had too many emotions coursing through me, and I wasn't slowing down to analyze and pray over them. I just kept telling myself I was fine. I was stuck in this state of feeling lonely, but also guilty for that feeling because I knew how much I had to be thankful for. Don't get me wrong, I know I am incredibly blessed with the people I have in my corner and who continue to pray over me and lift me up. Yet I still felt so isolated, and I felt like every day was a battle to claw my way out of negativity and doubt. I got incredibly good at hiding how I was feeling and putting on a front for so long that sometimes it's hard to break that cycle. Sometimes it's easier to act like I'm fine and to keep pushing through, but the problem with that is then nothing changes. I became exhausted trying to constantly keep my emotions in check and to act like I had it all together. Most days I just wanted to cry because I'm not where I wanted to be, doing what I wanted to do. Yet had I stayed where I was, had I changed nothing- I would be miserable and without God. I felt like the world's biggest oxymoron. How can I finally have what I have wanted for so long- feeling safe, plugged in at church, supportive friends, loving family, etc and still be wishing or searching for something more? Why is it so hard to be content in the present without constantly looking forward?
I have never been so at peace in my life while also feeling so much turmoil. The last month or so has been really tough emotionally for many reasons, and as I was riding that rollercoaster I found myself starting to shut down and not be real or transparent with people and for me that's a problem. I lived that life and I will not do it again. I don't want to go back to being a shell of a person because that is not who God designed me to be. Deep down I knew I needed to write because I feel that's where I express myself best. There have been so many things God has laid on my heart, but I chose to ignore and in doing so I have lost those thoughts. It makes me sad because I believe that's how God speaks to me and how He uses me to speak to others. I feel like I have allowed the devil to weasel his way in, instead of being on guard and reminding myself of God's truths- I let the darkness bury me. It always happens so slowly. I think that's what makes the devil so good at what he does. It's one little thing there and another little thing here, so that you don't suspect him. And because I wasn't doing the things that needed done to build and grow my relationship with God, I believe that made me more susceptible to his antics. He found every single weak spot and was targeting it with all his might. In the last couple of weeks I have decided that I'm done with his crap. I'm done laying down and taking it because I did that for far too long, and I refuse to slip back into old patterns. I serve a big and mighty God who has redeemed and is continuing to redeem me each and every day. God is taking my mistakes, my darkness and He is uprooting and replanting them. He is creating a beautiful garden in His name, for His glory. My guilt and shame is washed away as He is "watering" my garden with His truths and love for me.
It's really easy to sit in the darkness, to feel buried and alone. Things keep piling on and rather than trying to dig our way out we sit. We give up. It's inevitable that we will get buried again, right? That's where I was at. I was letting those negative thoughts and emotions grow and build and in turn I was killing the garden God was trying to grow in me. I was choosing to accept defeat, accept less than, accept that things wouldn't change. And they won't unless I start fighting back. God has never and will never leave my side. In fact, there is literally nothing I could ever do that would cause Him to walk away from me. Let that sink in. Read it again. In fact, I'll say it again. There is not one single thing that you could ever do that would make God stop loving you, pursuing you, chasing you, calling out to you- so get up. Step up into the light. Put on the full armor of God and prepare for battle. Declare victory over a battle that is already won in His name.
Thankfully, I'm not where I was a couple weeks ago. I'm honestly in the best place, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, than I have been in in a long time, but that's because I'm learning to declare the battle already won. Darkness cannot and will not exist where light is present, so I'm choosing to let the light permeate every single part of my life- the good, the bad, and the downright ugly because I don't want to isolate myself. I was called to a higher purpose, and I have one life. I've already spent too much time not being who God called me to be, and I won't do it again.
Tomorrow I am choosing to rededicate my life and be baptized. There are not enough words to express how absolutely excited I am about this decision. God has proved faithful to me 1000x over, and this is something I have been praying about, and I feel like can show God my faithfulness to Him. I am shouting from the rooftops that the victory is His and His alone. I know that there are going to be times where I feel the same as I did from what I mentioned above, but and there is a major but here, God is bigger than it all. Hands down. No argument. I was bought at the price of His son, and I don't know about you, but that's a pretty dadgum big sacrifice He made for me and my mess I have created. So it's not even a question in my mind that I will do everything in my power to live a life that is pleasing to Him because of everything He has given to me. You always have a choice. This time I want to make sure that I'm choosing the light. I'm choosing His goodness and His mercy and His truths. I can't earn it. I don't deserve it. God gives it anyway. End of story.
To close I want to share a song that a friend shared with me today. It is called, Battle Belongs by Phil Wickham, and it's incredibly powerful. Ironically, she had no idea that I had been working on a blog post about all of this, so I know this was 100% God using her to affirm things He had laid on my heart. Here are the opening verses:
When all I see is the battle, You see my victory
When all I see is the mountain, You see a mountain moved
And as I walk through the shadow, Your love surrounds me
There's nothing to fear now for I am safe with you.
Never in my life have I been so thankful for a God that is walking before me, beside me, and behind me. This life is not mine, but His. Not my will but Yours be done Jesus.
