Anxious For Nothing

During this season of the unknown, it is incredibly easy to be fearful and anxious about what the future holds. So many things in my life lately have been out of my control and this type A gal has been struggling. It's hard to watch my life unfold and feel like I don't have a say in it. I do have a flair for the dramatic though, so I understand that there are things in my life that I can control. However, when it comes to the big things, not having a plan in place is hard. I feel like my life is on hold and yet it's still moving forward. It's this weird in-between place.

I feel as though anytime I start to come back to a sense of normalcy, then something else is thrown my way to prove that I'm not there. Honestly, there are times where I want to throw a fit and declare how unfair life is, but I was raised knowing that's not an appropriate way to respond to situations. Besides, it would only feel better at that moment; serving as instant gratification but fixing nothing. Even though I am an advocate for venting, I have learned through my many experiences, that it doesn't solve anything. Just a temporary, emotional fix that still leaves the problem at my feet.

One of the latest events that was taken out of my control was the cancelling of school. I was not prepared to not see my students face to face again. I didn't get a chance to tell them goodbye or even let them know that I am not coming back next school year. In my mind, I had a plan on how I would handle the end of the year and the activities I would do with them to create lasting memories. That plan was crushed to bits by the virus that shall not be named. I really struggled that first day they broke the news about school shutting down. (To be honest, I had a breakdown about how unfair life is even though I mentioned earlier how that wasn't the adult thing to do and it didn't fix the problem, thus proving what I previously said.) As much as my students drive me crazy I am going to miss seeing all of them every day. This group is extra special to me because I taught many of them in 5th grade as well. There are so many students that brightened my day and made this year manageable despite all the craziness happening in my personal life. The weird thing is that even though they were often the ones driving me bonkers, they were also the ones that brought me sanity. Teaching is my passion, but the best part of it is building relationships with my students. I know the school year isn't over, but it definitely isn't finishing the way I wanted it to.

I was going to change the wording of that last sentence because it finishes with what I want. Just another reminder that God doesn't always give us exactly what we want. It's not that I think wanting things is wrong, but I think it's easy to lose sight of the big picture when we are focused on what we want and need. God didn't place us on this earth to live selfish lives. In fact, He called us to live the exact opposite. That's hard in times like these where we don't get to make decisions like we normally would. It causes anxiety and frustration and oftentimes fear. Ironically, a month or so ago, my pastor preached a series called "Anxious for Nothing," hence the title of this blog post. I'm not sure if he knew how handy his sermons would become, but I have thought back to them often in the last week as I can feel anxiety creeping in. For the majority of my life, I didn't deal with anxiety, but in the last three to four months that has changed. It sucks. Sometimes it feels like I can't breathe and I'm trapped. Other moments it feels like I'm paralyzed. I hate feeling out of control, but it has also allowed for more opportunities for me to lean into God and trust Him. Sometimes, or most times, that's easier said than done. However, in one of the last sermons from that series, my pastor made this point: our immediate perception = reality = reactive. I feel like there's a lot of people following that chain in our nation's current set of circumstances.

I remember listening to him talk about this chain and thinking how true it has been for so many events in my life. It is so easy to fall into the thought process of "well this is how I feel, so this must be true and there's no way around it." My pastor challenged us to have a chosen perspective from God, rather than immediate perception from our own thoughts and feelings. In those moments, when fear and stress and anxiety are setting in and it feels like your world is becoming dark, that's the devil at work. I don't know about you, but I don't want him to win. He is not going to be the victor in my story. When you feel the darkness creeping in or in some cases like a tidal wave hitting you at once- use it and see it as an opportunity for God to show up. Praise God in those moments. Again, I am going to stress that when you feel like you can't breathe or you feel stuck it's incredibly difficult to want to praise God, but over time it has gotten easier for me, and my anxiety isn't as prevalent. It's 100% there, but the moments are more fleeting and they don't seem as daunting because I have trained myself to turn to Him. Some moments I don't even have to think about it and I just do, but other moments I still have to coax myself. It's a reminder that my immediate perception isn't always reality and I need to challenge it with the chosen perspective before completely spinning out.

 One thing that has been really helpful for me is memorizing verses or even pieces of verses that I can repeat to myself when I can feel those walls closing in. I've said them in my head or even out loud sometimes depending on the situation I'm facing. His light will ALWAYS push out darkness, so my only option is to call on His name. I can't tell you how many times I have repeatedly whispered to myself, "Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you" or "Don't worry about anything, instead pray about everything" or "Rejoice in the Lord, always." I firmly believe that in those moments God shows up, and I can personally attest to that too.

I completely understand that my experiences with anxiety and my tactics for dealing with it are not a cure-all. However, one thing I can say without a doubt is that turning to God will only bring about positive results. In times like these, where no one knows what is going to happen or how bad this virus will become I feel like our only option is to reach out to Him because He's the only one that does know what will happen. I find comfort in knowing that. Am I still anxious? A little. Am I fearful? Sometimes, but I know that I serve a God who is infinitely bigger and stronger than anything of this world, so that's what I am clinging to every day. I know that no matter what happens, God always works for the good of those who love Him. I believe that God will use this current chaos to bring people to Him and that amidst this scary time He will make Himself known. I don't have all the answers, but He does and I'm learning to let that be enough for me. My latest verse that I have been trying to memorize to help ease my anxiousness is: "Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things, " Colossians 3:2. This world and all its troubles are temporary. Cling to the truth and trust that God has us all in His hands. Always.

I love music, so to end I would like to share a song that my sister shared with me. It's another one that's been on repeat for me and has been very fitting in all areas of my life. It's just a good reminder that God is working everything for our good.

'Til Next Time.

New Beginnings

So, it's been a minute since I last wrote, actually more like six years. I wouldn't even know where to begin to share what has happened in that space of time. I wish I could say that the girl who wrote those last few posts was able to achieve all the things she desired, but unfortunately, I took the road most traveled again. I landed myself in some messes, and I found myself with a lot more scars.

I thought about starting a new blog and allowing myself the metaphorical version of starting fresh, but also there's something full circle in continuing this blog. When I started it in 2012,  I had just been broken up with by the guy I thought I would marry. Thus the name: Plan B. Granted I was 18, and clearly clueless on what real love is, and to be honest, I still am pretty clueless of that.

At this point in my life, I'm easily on Plan L or R or let's be real probably Z. I hate that it's almost 10 years later and I have found myself in a similar position. You would think that I would have learned a thing or two by now. I am notorious for making plans and desiring everything to fit in a perfect box exactly the way I want it to, but every time I cling to that way of life it never ends well. I struggle with control and letting go of it. When things spiral I tend to cling more to how I think it should be rather than trusting God. It's been an ongoing issue for, oh you know, all my life. You know that song, Jesus Take the Wheel? I have said that a million times, but I don't think I have ever really meant it or if I thought I did, then I didn't live it.

Recently, I have started reading a lot, and I mean A LOT of self-help books out of desperation and desire to be a better human for God, for myself, for my family, etc. I even started going to counseling, which has been helpful, but the problem is that I'm searching for a fix it all answer. Unfortunately, I don't think that exists in this life. The only true "cure" I know of is Jesus and that becomes a way of living and not just a band-aid that allows you to move past pain and sorrow. It's something I have to choose daily in good things and in bad things. There are some mornings that I wake up and the immense joy I feel is something I want to share with everyone, and I can totally feel God's presence and I just know that it's going to be an amazing day. However, the next day I'll wake up and I'm a complete wreck. My attitude sucks. I'm sad or angry or frustrated and I don't want to see anyone or do anything because I just know that no one will understand and nothing will make it better. It's difficult to understand my pendulum swing of emotions, but I have been told that's normal, so I'm trying to take it one day at a time. The best part of it all is that God, my Jesus, loves me and chooses me through all of it. I have been blinded for far too long by this world to see and experience His goodness and faithfulness. The veil has been lifted, and my eyes are finally clear to be able to grasp just how much love He has for me and bucket loads of patience.

However, it's hard to let yourself be loved again when you feel like you've made too many mistakes and you're just far too gone. And yet, there's God, patiently waiting for you to let Him love you the way we know we don't deserve, but He is more than happy to anyway. In fact, I believe that He does His best work through redemption, but we have to be an active participant for it to work. So I guess that's where I am at right now. I'm trying to be more than just along for the ride and not just relying upon or reaching out to Him when things are tough. I want to learn to acknowledge Him and live a life that exemplifies Him at all times. That is so much easier said than done, but I am here to learn to push on and not give up because He never gives up on us.

In a sense, I am starting over and at first, I was resentful of that fact, but now I see it as an opportunity to really allow God to shape and mold me into the person He has always wanted me to become. There's something really exciting about that fact even if I'm not really pumped about where I'm at in my life right now. I had a friend ask me if I was okay, and my honest response was, "No, but I am so incredibly joyful." It's the weirdest, most wonderful place to be. This isn't how I imagined my life, but I'm tired of putting limits on my God that is capable of unimaginable things.

To end I would like to share a song that has really spoken to me in the midst of everything. I have listened to it on repeat more times than I can count. I first heard it during worship at church, and I've clung to its message ever since that first moment. It's Called Me Higher by All Sons and Daughters. Click on the song title to listen to it yourself. My favorite lyrics from the song are below:

And I could hold on

I could hold on to who I am and never let You
Change me from the inside
And I could be safe, oh
I could be safe here in Your arms and never leave home
Never let these walls down

But You have called me higher
You have called me deeper
And I'll go where You will lead me Lord

Honestly, the whole song is wonderful, but those lyrics, in particular, stir something in me every time I listen to it. I don't want to be the person I was because God wasn't at the center of her. I don't want to play it safe anymore. I want to be called higher and become the person God has always dreamed of me becoming. So, here's to new beginnings. 

'Til Next Time.