Clarity

God always knows what I need to hear exactly when I need to hear it. He never ceases to amaze me that way. For example, this morning I was exhausted  and I had no desire to crawl out of bed, but I didn't go to chapel on Tuesday, so I decided I needed to go today. Plus, I love student led chapel because it is such a blessing to be able to hear from my fellow students. The point of this though is to say that the message today spoke to me in a way that I could not have ever expected. 

Lately I have been struggling with some stuff, and I like to be in control, so it's really hard for me to let go. I feel like I am constantly having to pray for the strength to relinquish control because I am really bad at it. My theory is that if I am in control, and I put up walls around me, and basically place myself in a tower away from everyone else, then I can stop myself from being hurt again. In my mind by doing this, I can protect myself from the things people say or from rejection because I don't want to have to face that again. It was not easy the first time, so going through it a second time is not exactly my first choice. The problem with that thought process is that I still get hurt. Instead though, I can lie to myself and say that I am fine and lose people in my life in the process. In my mind it's better for me to push them away than for me to be pushed away. Let me just say, that that idea is dumb. Like really dumb. Who wants to live a life alone? I definitely don't, but if I continue down this path that I am on, I just might.

 I'm gonna go a little off topic for a moment and discuss the message that was shared with us today, but I promise I will bring it full circle in the end. The focus of the message was the extraordinarily ordinary things in life. So many times as humans we forget to appreciate the small things and the little beauties in life that surround us every day. It's sad really because we have so much to be thankful for, and we are surrounded by God's glory and all of His handiwork. I hate that there are days that go by and all of that is unappreciated by me. I waste so much time trying to figure out my life and find the answers to all the questions I have that I become the main focus of my life when it should be Christ. By constantly always looking forward I miss out on the here and now moments of life; I lose appreciation for the small stuff. I make every day life not enough for me, and I become selfish, thinking only about me and my needs. I get so wrapped up in my questions and my quest for answers that I stop listening to God, and I start taking control of my situation rather than sitting back and waiting for God. I'm impulsive and I make rash decisions that I will regret later, and in the end I am left with only myself. That's a really lonely life to lead, and I am tired of it. 

The speaker shared with us the night that he fell in love with Jesus, and his excitement and passion as he shared his story with us gave me the chills. I want to fall in love with my Savior again. I want to have that moment that is completely filled with joy, and I feel on top of the world because my God is the King of Kings. However, to do that I have to learn to let go. There is a raging battle going on inside of me, and I didn't realize the extent of it, until the closing worship song. I honestly do not even remember the lyrics because I just shut my eyes to take a moment to breathe, and the moment I did I had a vision that no matter how silly it might sound or I might feel while sharing it, I want to because it broke me.

 In front of me was a white light, but it appeared to be a man, and he was fighting against these dark figures. I was before him, but I was bound up, and I was trying to fight to break free, but I could feel myself getting tired. And then a hand broke free from the man and he was reaching out to me. The harder he fought to reach me the more he was able to push past the dark figures, but he still could not make it all the way. I was going to have to reach out and grab his hand if I was going to break free from my restraints. I kept shaking my head at him because I didn't think that I could make it, that I could reach him. I was too tightly bound and the harder I fought the wearier I became. He only fought harder, pushing against the figures to reach me. And the only thing that I could think  the entire time was why me? Why fight so hard to save me when I am already a lost cause, a broken mess that is going to be impossible to fix? I'm too far gone, and then he spoke and said, "Because I love you. Because I chose you. Because you are worth it."

People around me were still singing, but it was literally like I was in another place that entire time. I was trying really hard not to break down because I am the kind of person who appreciates those who want to lay their hands on me and pray for me, but I don't like to create a scene or have everyone staring. I kept my eyes shut as a few tears rolled down my cheeks, and I reached out, and I grabbed ahold of his hand. The hand that had a nail drove through it for me, and I chose to believe in that moment that my God, my Savior does love me and He won't stop fighting for me. I know I sound crazy or at least I think I do, but that moment, that vision was so real to me and it happened so fast, that I just knew it had to be from God. In that moment it truly felt like I was holding the hand of God, and I could breathe freely without having the devil on my back. I'm not saying that all of the sudden I have let go and given everything over to God, but I am saying that I am worth it, I am loved, and I am chosen because of Christ.

 If I had not gone to chapel and heard the message, I would not have experienced that moment with God, and that will be a moment that I will never forget. My God is still fighting for me, and He is still picking me despite everything. No matter what is going on in my life, He is the one person I can always count on to never leave my side. For Him, it is worth it to lose control and to stop searching for answers. There is a quote that was shared in a video today that I absolutely fell in love with, and I just wanted to share it with all of you: 

“You are so young; you stand before beginnings. I would like to beg of you, dear friend, as well as I can, to have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day. And the point is to live everything, live the questions now.” -Rainer Rilke

I still do not have everything figured out, and I still have plenty of questions that I would love to have answers to, but why waste life looking for the answers when you can, as Rainer says, "live the questions now." In life I'm going to get hurt, I'm going to get rejected, but I am also going to be loved, I am going to be chosen, and in God's eyes I am always going to be worth it. He gave up His son for me, and I want to live a life that returns the favor by bringing glory to His name. There is beauty in the broken, and in life we should not forget to look at the ordinary to be inspired by the extraordinary. I need to take a step back and really use this semester to focus on my relationship with God and go back to the basics. I refuse to let the devil win this time. My God is bigger than anything the devil could throw my way, and I need to remember that I truly can do all things through Him.

 Til Next Time.

New Look

The past few days I have been working on redesigning my blog because 

I was bored with the last design,

 and I wanted a fresh, new look because

 I am hoping to make blogging a bigger part of my life.

 I absolutely LOVE writing,

 and plus, it's a great outlet to use on a stressful day. 

Anywho, I just wanted to give some credit where it is due!

I googled all sorts of different things,

and I found one blogger to be exceptionally helpful!

Her blog is called Projects Around the House,

and I found it via google, so I don't know much about the blog,

but from her I was able to create my blog header,

and I was able to make my blog button.

And the best part is, it was SO easy!

Moral of the story is:

If you're looking to change some things up,

you should definitely check out her blog.

If you're looking to change your header,

then click here! 

If you want a little more detail for the header,

then click here!

And if you want to create a blog button,

so others can share on your blog on theirs, click here!

I hope that was helpful, 

and have fun redecorating!

Til Next Time.

Five Friday Favorites

So, I know that I have been a wee bit behind on these, but things have been a little crazy and disorienting since I came back from Europe. The exciting thing though is that I am all moved back into school, and I am ready to go for this semester! Anywho, I give you today's Five Friday Favorites:

1. My friend told me about this new website called Wanelo, that is like Pinterest, however on this site everything is linked to the site where you can actually buy the object. Now that's one scary site because I could probably spend many hours on there and blow a lot of money, so I definitely have to be careful, but I absolutely love it because it's a great way to find gifts for others! They have a lot of the same stuff as Pinterest, but instead of leading you to pictures or other people's blogs, 9 times out of 10 it takes you to the store. It's pretty great! Check it out by clicking here!

2. For Christmas, my brother bought my sister-in-law a bottle of perfume and a smaller sample came with it so he gave that to me along with other things, but honestly I didn't give it much thought. I decided to try it out the other day and low and behold it smells amazing. I absolutely love it because it's not too strong or overpowering and it lasts practically all day. It's called BCBG Bon Chic. Yeah, it's the real deal. If I was rich I would buy my own bottle of it, but alas I am a poor college student. I would say that it is definitely a great perfume for anyone who does not like overpowering smells, but still wants to smell good! Click here to check out the website! And just look at how pretty the bottle is :)

3. Last year I ran across a verse in Hebrews that basically says "Hope is an anchor to the soul." It's Hebrews 6:19, and I have no idea why it resonated with me so much, but it did and my love for anchors developed. To me it is a symbol of hope. A sign that reminds me to stay grounded in the mission of God. I now have anchor earrings, an anchor bracelet, anchor paintings, and even an anchor shirt. I think obsessed might be an understatement. There is just something about them that catches my eye and draws me to them.

4. This semester I am finally getting into my major because all I have our education classes. I am so excited about this, especially now after being involved in my J-Term class. This week I had an art class basically for elementary kids. I learned so many new things about how to integrate art into my future classroom. I have had some doubts about elementary education, but this class ignited that fire back in me to work with kids. I cannot wait to become a teacher and see the kids' eyes light up when they create something themselves or when they gain an understanding of the lesson I teach. Right now, I feel good about the place that I am at, and I cannot wait to be in my practicum this semester. It's gonna be a blast! Here is just a few art projects that I accomplished this week:

Needless to say, it was a wonderfully fun class, and I cannot wait to do some of these activities with my own students one day.

5. My last favorite of the week is Pitch Perfect. Some of you may have seen my post a few weeks ago about the main actor, Skylar Astin, and he is a major part of why I love this movie so much, but it's not just him. Rebel Wilson is hilarious, and the music is so catchy that I even got the soundtrack, and I cannot even tell you how many times I have listened to it. I have seen the movie a multitude of times, and I can easily quote it now. It's a must see if you want to feel better about your day because it will have you laughing so hard your belly will hurt, and I bet by the end you will be wanting to sing along with them. I suggest all of you stop reading this post right now and go find it and watch it! Here is a sneak preview if you have never seen or heard of it before:

And that wraps up this week's favorites! I hope you all enjoyed, and have a great weekend everyone!

Til Next Time.

New Year. New Semester. New Attitude.

There is something about coming back to campus that changes my whole perspective and attitude on life. I literally do a 180 turn around as I drive from home to school, and when I step out of my car onto campus I can't help but smile. Don't get me wrong I love being at home because I get to see all my family, which includes my adorable nephew, but it also means that for whatever reason I fall back into the old routine of things, and I reach a point where I don't like the person I become at home. I feel sluggish and lazy. My attitude is often worse than it should be, and I have this constant feeling to live up to this idea of expectation that I feel is placed upon me. In reality, I am sure that those are just my feelings that I let creep into my thoughts, but I can't help it because at home I am the pastor's daughter who should still be 12 and not a junior in college. At home, I am the baby sister who still relies on mom and dad. I love my parents, and they have been a huge help, but I always feel more independent and more like an adult when I am at school because I am one step close to living on my own. I am in no hurry to grow up, however when I am at school I feel like whatever holds me back at home just dissipates here. It's one my favorite feelings. At school, people have not known me my entire life, so I can be whoever I want to be without them having previous known me in diapers or frilly dresses. I am automatically the adult Hannah, and I like that. A lot actually.

Another issue is that high school is at home, and while I enjoyed high school I also will not be the first one to go rushing back there. Everything that happened in high school is in the past, and I prefer to move beyond that. However, sometimes when I go home I feel like I am sucked back into the vortex of drama without even realizing it. I hear this about that person and that about this person, and before I know it I am telling other girls, and I hate that. It's none of my business, and it's not my place to be sharing. Gossip is hard enough to not be around in general. Plus being at home reminds me of everything that I had planned out. And as happy as I am that everything fell through, at the same time, I don't want a constant reminder of it either. At school people don't know my past unless I share it with them, and even then they don't know the people, so it's easier. School gives me a fresh start to be more free, and I believe that it gives me more confidence and a better attitude to work towards becoming the person God intended me to be. There are a lot of things that I still want to do, and I am young, so I truly believe that anything is possibly. I mean in the past 4 years I have been to 10 different countries and an excess amount of cities. I have a passion for traveling and that could have fell through if I had not trusted God. And that's not to say that every day I do that perfectly, but in the end I know that whatever He has in store for me it is going to be even greater than anything I could ever want or imagine. For example, I have always wanted to marry young because I wanted to be a young mom, but lately I have finally been hearing what everyone has been telling me for so long. 

I am young. I am almost 20, and there is still so many things I want to do. I want to see England, Ireland, Scotland, Australia, India, and more. I want to have my own apartment or at least live with my best friend for a bit. I want to have a couple of years of teaching under my belt before I get married. I want to experience my life as just myself and not in a pair where I am constantly having to think of someone else. I don't say that because I want to be selfish, but at the same time I want to be able to experience that selfishness  so that I can do whatever I want because I don't have to worry about how it affects someone else. Trust me if God wanted to put the right man in my life right now I would be the first to jump on that opportunity, but I am tired of living my life waiting for the right man to come along. I don't want to revolve my life around that opportunity because I have no idea when it will happen, all I know is that if God wills it in my life it will be in His timing, and that's enough for me. There is no rule book of motherhood that says to be a good, fun mom you have to be one before you're 25. I need to lose the idea of the perfect life in my head because I am limiting God from opening my eyes to the grand life He has organized for me. If I continue to be ungrateful and unsatisfied with what is in front of me, I am going to live one boring, pathetic life. That is not something I want to do. I want to make the most of every moment because every day brings me one step closer to my God and whatever He has lined out for me. A year from now I want to look back on my life and see how much I have grown and how much life has changed for me. I don't want to regret any moment or think to myself that I could have done or been more in a certain moment. Even if I have not met the right man in a year, I want to be able to say that I am exactly where God wants me to be, no matter where that place is. God is great, and God is good. I firmly believe that if I allow Him, He will transform me into the person I have always wanted to be and more. No strings attached. 

God called me to be a mother, and I still hold on to that, however He did not clarify in what capacity, and I cannot wait to see Him fulfill that calling in whatever way He has planned. Whether it be from my biological children or from the children in my classroom. Whatever it is, I know that God will not forsake me. There is no other like Him, and I owe my life to Him. I am ready to begin the journey He has laid out for me. It's gonna be a good one; I can feel it in my bones. For now, this will be a constant reminder to myself:

Til Next Time.

Bring Me Home

My whole life I had this idea that by the time college rolled around I would be in a steady relationship that was on its way to marriage, and yet I sit here, single and unfulfilled. The latter, I know is because of my own doing, but for some reason I cannot seem to shake this feeling of dissatisfaction. There is this air of selfishness that surrounds me that I cannot seem to break, and it is literally like I have the devil on my back, and I don't know how to get past him. I have hit a rut that makes me feel stuck, and I don't know if I have the will power to burst through it.

Have you ever felt like you are so far under that it appears to be pointless to even try to find your way back to the surface? I have let others and myself influence this idea of who I am supposed to be, and I fall short every single time I try to achieve my goals, so I have reached this point where all my motivation is gone and laziness and self doubt have set in. The obvious answer to "fix" me is God, and I know that deep down, but it's hard for me to continually make mistakes and come crawling back to a Father whose arms are wide open and so willing to forgive me. I do not deserve the love and grace that He offers, yet He calls my name and beckons me to Him anyway. For some reason I turn and run the other way. I don't know if it is because I am scared or if it is because I don't want to fail Him again, and honestly it's probably a combination of both, but I know that at some point I have to stop running in the other direction because it will never get me to where I really want to go. The choice seems rather simple, but as always I have to complicate things because that is something I do best. In my mind it seems inconceivable for something of such a great significance to be so simple. I think my biggest problem is that I ask for forgiveness, and then I find myself making the same mistakes over and over again because it is easy, and it is what I know. I am tired of excuses. I want change, but is that possible? Am I committed enough to follow through and really mean what I say and walk the walk?

Change is something that most people crave in their lifetime at some point, but it is never as easy as it seems. The question I must ask myself now is, "How bad do I want this?" I see those people who have this unbreakable relationship with God, and I envy them. The ones who have faith that can move mountains, that are willing to drop everything for Him, and I am the one who inwardly complains whenever my mother interrupts me when I am in the middle of something. I could kick myself for some of the things that I have said aloud before or for some of the attitudes I have let flare up in moments of selfishness and annoyance. In my mind I can see the person that I want to become, and I tell myself that I will never be able to achieve her, and I don't know why I think that. It is not that I am incapable, but I have let people's thoughts, words, and opinions become chains around my wrists and ankles, holding me back. I have let myself believe the lies the devil tells me, and I have fed myself those lies, so that they feel as if they are truth. I am so entangled in that web of lies that it feels impossible to break free. As I was growing up one of the verses that was continually told to me was that "Through Christ, all things are possible." I know that this is true, but I feel so distanced from my Abba, and I don't know how to get back to that place of dependence because it frightens me. I am good at making excuses. I know this because I have been doing it a large portion of my life. I know that the right thing to say here is that I need to stop that nonsense and look past the excuses, but the laziness and self doubt holds me back because in this place I believe that I am safe, when in all actuality that is not the truth at all. This is why I feel stuck because I know what I ought to do, but actually following through is the issue. So many times I have tried to follow through and every time that I fail I feel that belief in myself fall away more and more. I am weak, and I have got to get to a point where I look past myself and stop the pity party for myself because until then nothing is going to change. In the end the answer is mine to give, and honestly I don't have one right now. I know what I want to say. I know what I want to do and what I need to do, but I have never felt more unsure of myself or more unmotivated before in all my life. I need God in my life like a dehydrated man in the desert needs water. If I don't run back to Him, back into His arms, I won't survive. The choice is mine, and I so desperately hope I make the right one, otherwise I will live out an empty life, and that is not at all what I want. So please be praying for me as this new year begins. I want it to be a good year where I finally trust God enough to listen closer and open my heart to everything that He wants to share with me. I want to find my way back home, into His loving arms because there is no place quite like it.

Til Next Time.