Stop the Spiral

Some say that the biggest battle you'll ever fight is the one within your mind. In the last year, I can think of at least three different books from well-known Christian authors who focus solely on this war. That alone should prove how prevalent and very real this issue is among so many of us. And yet even being aware of it and attempting to gather as many tools as possible to fight it,  I still find myself struggling to not have the same battle every day. Especially when things happen in life that only exacerbate the feeling. In my mind, I tell myself that it only proves my biggest fear. On my stronger days, when this thought crosses my mind, I just imagine Jesus on the side jumping up and down waving his arms trying to tell me that all of that is just absolutely not true. Why is it so easy to believe the negative over the positive? Why do we spend so much time dwelling on what we will never be versus all that we are right now? 

The saying of you are our own worst enemy is more true than I could have ever imagined. As I get older I have found that I'm the one that sets myself up for failure by trying to strive for what I think everyone wants from me rather than just focusing on God and what He wants. I create these unrealistic expectations and when I don't meet them, I beat myself up for it. This, as Brene Brown would say, is my shame gremlin: supposed to be. I've talked about it before, but I cannot tell you the number of times I have allowed myself to spiral because of this feeling of not measuring up or because of the mistakes that have led me to where I am at today. And yet when I think about it all of these feelings are what I have put on myself. No one has told me that I'm not where I'm supposed to be or that I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing. Only I have told myself those things. So I guess the question I have to ask myself is- who am I really living for? 

If it's God, then dadgum girl, let those expectations fly away because He wants me exactly as I am. He wants you exactly where you are with or without all the bells and whistles this life has to offer. There is nothing we could say or do that would impress Him or turn Him away from us. Literally NOTHING. He doesn't care where we are at because He just wants us. I mean shoot He gave up His own son for us and He knew that we would turn from Him. He knew we would screw up. He knew we wouldn't listen. He knew we would outrightly choose everything but Him, and He still sacrificed His son. If that doesn't scream love, then I don't know what does. I'm not a parent, but I can only imagine how excruciating it would be to watch your child die a painful death. 

It's in these moments when I focus on that sole fact that I begin to get irritated at myself for doubting and then I start spiraling in the other direction. Then I imagine God just shaking His head at me, not out of disappointment, but out of frustration that I'm still making it about me when it isn't at all. It's about Him and what He has to freely offer us. That gift is always free and it's always there for us. He is always there for us. Every time I come crawling back with my metaphorical tail tucked between my legs He is there to greet me with grace and joy and never does He say I told you so. So why do I take His love for granted so often? Why do I know the truth and so often run from it? 

My mind is the thing that is ruining my attitude and actions. It's high time I take that control back. 

There's a saying that I have written in the notes folder on my phone, and for a long time, it was also on a sticky note that was placed on the inside of my work computer so I could see it every day. It says, "Feelings are meant to indicate, not dictate. Recognize them, but focus on the facts." I think this resonated with me because I have been told my whole life that I make emotional decisions and while that isn't always a bad thing it also is not a good thing. God gave us emotions for a reason, but they often mislead us. Sometimes people or things bring out feelings within us that can make it confusing to make a clear decision. It doesn't mean that we should never listen to how we are feeling, but it is important to not take them as the one and only answer. 

Just because something happens out of your control doesn't mean it gets to completely change the narrative. Don't give a moment or series of moments that much power. Identify what you know to be true and what God says is true and meditate on that. Your mind will believe what you tell it, so make sure you're filling it with what's real and not lies you've built from half-truths. 

For example, I started a new position this year and while I am beyond excited I am also filled with loads of anxiety. I am afraid that I won't do the job justice and that maybe I wasn't the best choice for these students. The moment that I begin to focus on those feelings, then I immediately begin to conclude that I am unqualified and not a good fit. I know that those last two statements are not true. The only truth is that I am new to the position and may lack knowledge that others who have been doing it longer will have. That doesn't mean I won't learn or pick up that knowledge. However, it's hard to not allow my feelings to run away and create their own story when I'm feeling so unsure. The same can be said for emotions rooted in anger or sadness or jealousy. The thing is I know that I wouldn't have been hired or chosen if the higher-ups didn't think I was capable, and I know that God wouldn't have opened that door for me if He didn't want me there. So it's in those moments where I make myself say (sometimes out loud) that I am nervous about my new job, BUT I am ecstatic to be trying something new and I will do my best to give it my all. I can give my feelings space to be seen, but not let them be the ones stealing the show. 

It's exhausting fighting this battle every day about so many aspects of my life, but I would rather fight than just roll over and give up. 

I had a friend tell me once that I tend to have a "balls to the wall" mentality which can be great but also can be detrimental at the same time. It's what sometimes gets me in trouble and leads me to make not well thought out decisions. It's also what leads to burnout when that same passion isn't returned or extended to me. And it can be what fuels unnecessary spirals. All of that starts in my mind and with the emotions, I'm currently feeling and allowing to grow inside of me. I know that it might sound silly or even too easy of a concept, but truthfully sometimes it is that simple. Taking control back starts with the thoughts you are allowing yourself to think.

 If I'm learning anything in this season, it is to truly believe that God is exactly who He says He is, and He ALWAYS comes through. I think this is important to get through my thick, stubborn skull because if that is the truth I live by, then I need to remember what He says about me when I start to spiral in my mind. At the end of the day,  I can either choose to believe the lies that are growing from insecurity, or I can fight them with the truth from the One who calls me valuable. I don't know about you, but I would rather listen to someone that lifts me up versus someone who tears me down.

If you're like me, struggling with some of these feelings, please know I see you, I feel you, and you're not alone. One of my many favorite quotes is: "Life is tough, darling, but so are you." 

Choose to stand up to the lies the enemy plants and let's fight back. We control our minds and all of our thoughts, and to be honest, he isn't even that creative. The only way he gets power is by us handing it over to him. Don't forget that you were created by the Alpha and Omega of the Universe. Stand tall and walk forward with the confidence of knowing you are chosen by the One who is always faithful. 

Just Be.

At the start of this year, I felt confident that my word of the year was growth. After finally reaching a place of restoring myself in many ways, logically I thought the next step was to expand on these new findings and grow into more of the person God wants me to be. In my mind everything centered around going and doing more. Trying harder. Striving higher. And yet ironically, the last couple of weeks I have felt this incessant fight within me to just be. Be still. Be content. Be listening. Be firm. Be confident. Be quiet.

I started doubting my word. Maybe I got it wrong. I felt like I was missing something or that no matter how hard I tried to fill the void it still wasn't working. And then there that feeling would come again. Just be. Be exactly where you are right now. Don't look ahead. Don't look behind. Just be. For someone who talks incredibly fast, whose brain moves a thousand miles a moment, and who walks with a purpose (I get ridiculously annoyed with slow walkers) this concept of just being still is incredibly difficult. I mean truly the task seems near impossible. I have places to go, people to see, things to do. However, that feeling keeps coming back to me. Just be. 

What if there is growth in being content exactly where you are placed instead of constantly trying to be somewhere else? What if instead of trying to work towards the next thing I start appreciating what's right in front of me? I'm learning there is joy to be found in the simple, everyday tasks. To start being grateful for the small details we so often miss because of the hustle of trying to get somewhere else. 

I want to be the slow and steady. Not the coming in hot and burning out quickly I am so notorious for. I want to show up and say what do you need? I want to be the hands and feet of Christ and do it for the simple fact that everyone deserves someone in their corner. I want to be the one that can fight for the person that feels like they can't anymore. I want to hold the hand of the person that feels like they can't take the next step, so I whisper encouragements to hold on and keep moving. I want to notice the way someone smiles and if it reaches their eyes or not. I want to be the one that can just sit and hold space with someone who needs it without filling the void with words. I believe that comes with learning to just be. 

You'd think the idea of slowing down and taking a step back would be a delightful one, but this control freak actually finds it daunting. What if I miss something important? What if I don't try and not doing becomes a failure in and of itself? How does one just be? How do you just stop and breathe and let your mind be exactly where your body is rather than running ahead? 

My prayer lately has been that regardless of what happens in my life I want to remember that God is still and always will be good. He is working in my life and weaving all the pieces together for my good and His glory. I have to learn to be patient and allow Him to work rather than putting a time limit and parameters on Him. I have to learn to sit instead of trying to look for the next thing. If you know anything about me, you know that the simple task of sitting still is not one that I do well. However, I just feel this constant reminder to plant my feet and be present in the exact moment I am in. Relish all the pieces of that moment- good and bad. This moment will not last, so enjoy it while it's here because you won't get it back. How much sweeter would life be if we could live each moment exactly as it is rather than constantly trying to move ahead and figure it all out? I've noticed that when I do take a breath and slow down I begin to see just how well God works in the tiny details. That even in the smallest most insignificant ways He is moving and listening to us. His love for us is so vast and deep that we can never truly comprehend it, but he shows us daily just how much. I want to be willing to see it rather than missing it completely. 

I don't know what the future holds. I wish I did. I wish I knew what I was walking towards and what to expect. If I did, then I would know how to prepare and what steps to take to get me there. I think in this season though God is continually challenging me to just trust Him. To take steps forward in faith rather than in the knowledge of what's to come. This is scary for me. I love surprises, but not this kind. This season I am in has been amazing in so many ways, and God has been faithful even when things didn't pan out how I anticipated. I know that He is walking with me, before me, and behind me. That continues to prove itself true each day, but man what I wouldn't give to know what He sees ahead. Then again not knowing is just another opportunity to trust Him. Relax and let Him do the heavy lifting. Chris Renzema has a song called "I Don't Wanna Go" that I have listened to over and over again this week, and it's been a solid reminder that I don't want to go anywhere that God isn't taking me. I want to be exactly where God is because He is enough.

He is present in every moment, and He is listening to every heart-filled cry. He will never leave us or forsake us even when we desert Him. He is moving in the chaos of your soul and the stillness of each fleeting moment. He is in the crashing of every single wave and in the blooming of each bud. He is in every valley and on every mountain top. He is working all things out for our good. Always. 

So I know that I need to just be. I know that I need to relax and let go. I need to lean into His gentle reminders that He has it all figured out, so I don't have to. I get to sit still and breathe while He does all the work because He can and will. My job right now is to be exactly where my feet are, with my palms facing up, and surrendering everything to the one who knows me best. There's a lot of unknowns in my life right now, but there are also so many things to be grateful for, so I'm choosing to focus on that. I need to trust the One who has literally always come through for me. In His presence, I need to just be. 

One Year.

 One year. 12 months. 365 days and then some. Countless hours and minutes. 

All of that and more to bring me to the place I am in exactly at this moment. If someone had told me a year ago that my life would look like it does now I'm not sure I would have believed them. I write this with a smile on my face because I am overwhelmed with emotion. I am so grateful to my family and the friendships I have formed, but most importantly to God for how incredibly faithful He has been to me. I can confidently say that I have experienced joy countless times in the last year, and I have never felt so mentally, emotionally, and physically healthy as I do right now. Sometimes I think back to a year or so ago and it makes my heart sad to think about the person I was. She was so lost and alone. She was hurting and so incredibly empty. I look back at pictures and the smile is plastered on because of all the turmoil in her heart. The thing I love now though is the fact that I get to use her as part of my story. I get the opportunity to use her to show others God's repeated blessings in my life. I wouldn't want to go back and relive it all, not even for a second, but I am grateful for my past because it brought me to exactly the point I am at today. My divorce gave me the chance to rebuild my life with a different, sturdier foundation. 

The thing about life is that it goes on whether we want it to or not. It continues on whether we are here or if we are no longer. Life is beyond us because we are not the only ones even if we continue to isolate ourselves. It would have been so easy to halfway put myself out there- to just do enough to get by. However, deep down, I knew I didn't want to waste this chance God was giving me to do better, be better. When I moved I told myself I wanted to be 100% in with wherever I went to church. I was not going to be someone who just showed up every week and slipped in and out without being noticed. If I was going to allow God to use me and my story, then I had to jump with both feet.  After my first Sunday at Life.Church I knew that God was doing something special there. By the end of the first month, I was plugged in with a life group and serving on Sundays and Wednesdays. It was genuinely the best decision I could have ever made. The people I have met there have changed my life and have given me the space to be exactly who God wants me to be- broken bits and all. So many people saw me for me, and I didn't have to fit into anyone's boxes before being loved. It was like a breath of fresh air I didn't even know was possible or how desperately I needed it. 

Another thing I promised myself was a full year focusing solely on my relationship with God. I told myself I wanted to experience Him like never before. And I did just that. I kept my word. I put in the work and pushed myself in ways I never have before, and if I'm being honest, there was a part of me that expected a certain result at that year mark. I'm not saying I didn't or don't see all the amazing changes that have taken place in my life, but what do you do when you reach your goal and it doesn't exactly meet your expectation? Part of me feels like all the positive things are overshadowed by the simple fact that I'm not where I thought I would be. Sometimes I feel like I'm left the same as I started and maybe at times I even start to feel worse because my expectations haven't been met. Therein lies the problem: unrealistic expectations. Even as I write this I know how silly and selfish all that sounds. God has done some BIG things in my life and has moved in major ways, so now because it's a year later I'm upset because it doesn't look exactly as I anticipated? Ungrateful, much? 

I say all of that to show I'm human. Not that I should use that as an excuse, but to prove that even those that feel like they're on the mountaintop have some serious valley moments in the midst of all the happiness. It's my whole two emotions existing at once. Truly if someone was in my brain I think they would run screaming for the hills. I know I'm exhausting. This year I know I need to quit trying to plan ahead. I need to learn to be in the now. I need to be exactly where my feet are and where I planted all those seeds. I need to care for each one and give them space and time to grow. I want to enjoy every small and mundane thing because there is joy to be found there. Why put in all the hard work if you're just going to fly by and not appreciate all the small victories along the way? It's important to celebrate each one. They should be remembered because life isn't always sunshine and rainbows. 

I can't tell you how many moments I have had along the way where I wanted to give up because it hurt too much or just seemed like my past was going to keep popping up wherever I looked. The shame and the guilt, at times, have felt too much to bear. However, I remember reading the following somewhere and it was a swift kick in the gut: "Why do you keep reminding me of what my son died to redeem? Was His death not enough for you?" And oof. I mean truly talk about a slap across the face. I remember reading and rereading that and realizing that I can either tightly cling to all the mess that God has already taken from me or I can let it go and allow God to do a new thing in my life and truly accept His absolutely free gift. The thing is the past is the past. It's there. I can't change it and I can't remove it. My only option is to surrender it to God, ask for forgiveness, and then take small steps forward. God's grace is enough and it washes over me like a tidal wave. Again and again and again. So why fight it and explain all the ways I don't deserve it because I absolutely do not- when I can accept it and use my story to show others exactly who He is and what He has done for me. 

I am learning to trust in exactly who God is and know that the plans He has for me are greater than anything I could ask or imagine. In the last few months whenever I start to have doubts, I hear this small voice from God in the back of my mind asking, but do you trust me? I want to say yes, but how many times do I end up just like the Israelites quickly forgetting all the ways God has come through for me? How many times do I receive "manna," but I find myself asking (probably more like whining) for "quail" instead? It's a reality check because I can't just say those words. I have to live a life that is a reflection of them. 

Christine Caine once said, "I have learned to place what I do know about God above what I don't know about the future." Worry leads to stress which leads to anxiety and that's just a dark path that I don't want dictating my life. I have no idea what the future holds. Do I get impatient? Of course. I want to get married again and experience it exactly how God designed it. I want to be a mom and know what it's like to hold my child in my arms. Do I get frustrated? Absolutely. So many things have aligned in my life, seemingly perfect, only for them to disappear just as quickly. It's irritating and confusing, and sometimes I just want to shout, I've done the work, God, how much longer do I have to keep working? However, I know that I don't want all those things my way. Been there, done that - it doesn't work. I just need to show up, take the first step, and then keep going. One small step at a time.

Many times though I see other people and it's hard to not want what they have or want to be where they are at in life. I mean social media makes it so easy now to live in a constant state of comparison. It's the whole the grass is always greener on the other side situation. Inevitably someone's response to that is usually well the grass is greenest where you water it. Yet there are many times where I think, God I am literally drowning my grass by giving it all the water I can, and I'm still here with what seems to be, at the moment, no change. However, when I take a step back and stop trying so hard, I can see just how far I've come in a year - truly my grass is flourishing. Maybe not in the way that I anticipated or thought, but I'm growing the most beautiful garden with the help of a mighty God and that is something to be thankful for. I need to be like the horses that race with blinders on so I can avoid the distractions and lies around me that make me think where I'm at is less than desirable. My race, my story is all mine and can't be compared to anyone else's. God is using me exactly how He wants and I'm learning to trust in His timing. Not my will, but His. 

I edited and re-edited and cut and pasted this entry so many times because it was mixed with so many positive and then negative emotions. I felt like I was going to be giving anyone who reads this entry whiplash. Honestly, though that's a perfect representation of this last year. Both good and bad. Pretty and messy. Smooth and bumpy. Content and distraught. And the best part is God is present in all of it. He's there even when I don't feel it or see it or remotely understand it. He's there in the midst of the storm and in the peace of the calm.  He's there working everything together for His glory. And I for one could not be more thankful for his patience with me and all my emotions. 

2020 was a really hard year for so many reasons and for so many people besides myself, but I didn't hate it. I might even be the crazy one that says I enjoyed it because it's where I rediscovered myself and I got to experience God like never before. This last year has taught me that I am resilient. I am kind. I am stronger than I think. I am beautiful- inside and out. I am passionate and bring light into this world. I can do hard things and new things. I am NOT defined by my past. I am worthy of being loved. And most importantly, I am chosen by God.

Guess what. 

So are you. 

No matter the past. No matter the mess. No matter the doubts.

A lot can change in a year. Are you willing to take the first step?

Thoughts from a 2

I love enneagrams, and I do realize that they aren't the end all be all, but I love how it has helped me understand myself a little better during this growth period in my life. Even if you believe there's only some truth in them, I still think something can be said for just feeling seen by others who are similar in number to you. Sometimes when I read things about others who identify as the same number as me, I have this moment where I can just exhale because someone else gets it and understands me. They have gone through some of the same spirals or irrational thinking. They have thought the same thought as me or have struggled with the same struggles. When you know that you aren't isolated by your experiences it can open so many doors to places and people you didn't even know were possible. I know that I am not the only one who feels this way because I know of several friends and other people I have come across that not only know their enneagram number but have researched them as well. However, I do have other friends that view them like they're a horoscope and they don't want to put much stock into them. Either way- it doesn't matter to me because my experience and my life aren't theirs. We are all entitled to our own opinions, and I personally love the enneagram and all I have learned from it.

My enneagram number is a two, which is known as the Helper. They are known as the caring interpersonal type and the enneagram institute uses words like generous, people-pleasing, possessive, and demonstrative to describe them. A two's deepest desire is to be loved, but their biggest fear is of being unwanted or unloved. They have a strong desire to be needed and appreciated and they enjoy expressing their feelings. I'm not sure that I could be any more of a two based on all of those simple explanations. In three sentences my entire being is given a definition. I might be exaggerating slightly, but honestly, that truly does sum me up in the simplest sense. On paper the definition of a two sounds like rainbows and sunshine, however, when they are unhealthy it can be not so great. I have seen this play out in my own life, specifically in my last relationship.

The Enneagram Institute states, "Average to unhealthy Twos seek validation of their worth by obeying their superego’s demands to sacrifice themselves for others. They believe they must always put others first and be loving and unselfish if they want to get love. The problem is that “putting others first” makes Twos secretly angry and resentful, feelings they work hard to repress or deny. " For years, I felt like I had to earn his love and I fought tooth and nail to prove that I was worthy and lovable. And just like the quote says I did become angry and resentful at times because it felt like no matter what I did it was never enough. However, when I was finally able to get out of that unhealthy situation I was able to see how wrong that thought process was. Now that doesn't mean I am all of the sudden a perfect, healthy two because I still struggle with that thinking as my default. If I just do enough, say enough, love hard enough, then whoever will see that and in turn give me love and appreciation. I'm continually breaking myself of this habit, but I can attest that it is getting easier. I believe this is because I have taken the time to reflect on myself and all the choices I have made thus far in order to try and understand who I am. More importantly, though I have taken the time to turn to Jesus to discover who I am in Him and what He says about me. 

While many people don't see the validity of the enneagram, I believe that reading about my type has really helped me begin to see maybe why I made some of the choices that I did or ones that I continue to make. I'm not saying I can use my type as an excuse, but it does help me see what I tend to lean towards when I'm feeling a certain way and it helps me give names to feelings and emotions that I may not have been able to identify prior. Like I said previously, this is not the end all be all, but if you had the chance to even attempt to understand yourself and your inner workings better, wouldn't you want that opportunity? I have also taken the time to read into other enneagram types, which I believe is helping me to understand how to interact with others in a more productive way. For example, I have several friends that are nines, and I know they definitely do not thrive off confrontation. Knowing this information can help me determine how to approach them in a way that won't make them feel attacked or ambushed if I have to discuss an issue with them. Your number doesn't define you or limit you, but I do believe it can provide interesting information about yourself that you may have never thought about. 

I follow a couple different accounts on Instagram, and one of my favorites is @chalkandleaves and she shared this post a while back that really stuck with me. 

Enneagram Two Reminders:

1) You are not responsible for everyone else's feelings. 

2) Letting someone help you doesn't make you useless or less lovable. 

3) You don't need praise or a "thank you" for your good acts to be good. 

4) Carrying other people's emotions and stress won't make them better. 

5) Taking a break does not make you selfish. 

6)You don't have to do something just because someone asks you nicely. 

7) You might need to step away from the situation to find clarity. 

8) Canceling a plan to take care of yourself doesn't make you a bad friend. 

9) Please remember to breathe. 

As a two, I have had to learn that I won't get everyone's love and appreciation. I have to get to a place where God's love and appreciation are more than enough, and anyone else's is like the sprinkles on top of an ice cream sundae. I'm also learning that I'm not responsible for someone else's emotions. As much as the fixer in me wants to smooth everything over for each person I meet that's hurting - it just isn't feasible, no matter how hard I might try. I am only in control of myself and my actions, and I want to make sure that whatever I do is a reflection of Christ. God has created me this way, so I want to use my helper ways to bring glory to Him and Him alone. I don't need to be chasing after someone else's affections because it's not going to bring me the validation I desire. The only person that can do that is Jesus. I wasted so much time running towards all the wrong things, but how lucky am I that my God is a God of second and third and one hundred plus chances. I continue to see this truth play out as I read through Genesis and it blows me away how completely faithful God is to His people even when they didn't deserve it. He is a God of restoration, and He continues to restore me every single day. 

So I'll wear my label as a 2 proudly, and continue to pray that God will shape and grow my tendencies to be used by Him. I'm going to lean into the fact that I love being there for others, but also recognize when I need to show up for myself. Boundaries can be hard because I hate disappointing people, however, sometimes they're necessary and important to set for my own sanity. I'm grateful for the way God has designed me, and I'm excited to see how He continues to push and change me into more of who He has called me to be. 

PS: If you ever want to talk enneagram, I'm your girl. 

Seeds

Welcome to 2021! We have all been eagerly awaiting this new year, and I think many of us have very high expectations for what this year will look like compared to last year. However, the cynical side of me doesn't have that high of hopes. All the hoopla of ringing in the new year only for the following days to look like the previous ones from the previous year. I recognize how horribly depressing that sounds, but I'm just trying to be realistic. We find ourselves in the same season we were just in except this time a different year. I don't want to be ungrateful for the place that I'm in, but I find myself sick of the monotony of it all. I'm ready for something new, something life-changing, but then I ask myself if this is really what I want or not because with those things comes hard things. Am I prepared to do the work it requires to start something new or take steps forward into the unknown or do I just enjoy the sound of it? I'm scared to hear myself say the answer out loud because I know what I want to believe I would say. I guess it depends on the day that you ask me, but then I think about the last year of my life. The year of 2020 was an incredibly hard year for me. However, last year showed me I can. Amidst all the pain and uncertainty, God took my heartache and turned it into something so much better than I could have imagined. I put in the work during 2020 to make myself see and understand my worth that now I want to put it to good use. I chose the word enough as my one word for 2020, and I feel strongly that I achieved that. I believe 2021 is the year for me to push myself. 

God laid the word growth on my heart. I think this word has multiple meanings for me in this new year. For starters, I think it means growing in my understanding of who God is and building my relationship with Him. I think it means growing beyond myself and asking God how He plans to use me to help others. I spent a lot of time focusing on myself last year, which I truly needed, but now I have to grow outside of the comfort zone I've created. There are seeds He has planted in me and I have no idea what to do with them. He's done the planting, but I need to do the work of caring for them.  Seeds are just seeds unless they are tended to and given the water and nutrients they need to grow. This last week we had a guest speaker at church and he shared the story of Death Valley and how in 2005 this random rain poured down over the desert, which resulted in a  valley of gorgeous, blooming flowers. The seeds were always there, but they weren't being tended to in order to allow them to grow. He said God has planted seeds in all of us to be the people He designed us to be, but it's up to us to help them grow. That one line had my mind spiraling as I sat in my seat attempting to listen to the rest of the message. 

 My struggle has always been what am I good at? What do I enjoy doing? My answer has literally been the same since I was a child: reading and writing. Of course, I enjoy doing other things, but those are the two things that I really love that are considered productive. I can't do a whole lot with watching tv and movies although they just fill my head with unrealistic fantasies. What if my whole life God has been planting seeds in my heart and I've just been ignoring or discounting them? Also, I don't even know what those seeds are and honestly, I wonder how does one figure that out? This last year I spent time rediscovering things that I enjoy like running, rock climbing (although I'm not very good), blogging (verdict is still out if I'm truly a writer), listening to new music, and then this is where I draw a blank. I know I did more things and I know that I like more things, but I constantly sell myself short and I can't think of anything else. Then I go down the spiral of what if those things are enough, but the world is telling me I need more? Or the opposite- what if that isn't enough and I don't know myself as well as I thought I did. Does anyone else have these spirals randomly? Please tell me I'm not the only crazy one in this world.

Growing up, I always said I wanted to be an author, but it was one of those pipe dreams that I never really believed could come true. Recently, my desire to be a writer, like a real one with a well-known blog or book, has been revived. I feel as though it potentially is one of those seeds God has planted in my heart, but I don't know what that looks like for me. There are a handful of writers that make me feel so incredibly seen, and I want to be that for someone. I want to make someone feel like they aren't alone because of the words that I craft. I want to be the one that gives someone the space to breathe and realize they don't have to have it all together even though I literally just went on a tangent about how I'm trying to have it all together. Unrealistic expectations for myself much? I'm always way more willing to give grace upon grace to others, but I always struggle to do the same for myself. I know at the end of the day all anyone needs is God, but I pray that He could use me to be a light to someone; to be a bridge to getting to know Him better.  When I voice that dream out loud it just seems like an impossible feat, and all I can hear in my head is how insane I am to think that out of nowhere I could just write a book. Who am I to think that my story is worth telling? This constant battle of feeling like I'm not the only one to have gone through the things I did, so I'm definitely not special. And yet isn't that the reason I should be writing? The fact that I'm not the only one, and I could be putting words to my experiences with the chance they might make it to someone who needs to know that they are not the only one. It's crazy how one day I can feel so firm in who I am and the next day be questioning every single little thing. 

I think this is the part where I have to put in the work to tend the seeds God has given me, but I'm not sure where to begin, so I tend to shut down before I even start to try. I don't want to be a quitter, but I have to figure out how to be a starter first. So here I am in this season of limbo- this season of I know I have a lot to offer and I know that I am so incredibly blessed by God, but also this season of I feel stuck. This season of feeling like what in the world am I supposed to be doing because I'm not where I thought I was supposed to be. I'm tired of being seeds. I want to be blooming flowers and towering, strong trees. I want to be planted and building roots and growing more into the person God has called me to be. I know what people would say though: It takes time. All good and great things take time. Ugh. I get it, patience. Honestly, maybe that should have been my word for 2021. There's always next year I guess. I guarantee that my lessons for that particular word are not going to diminish anytime soon. In the meantime, I'm going to do my best to tend to the seeds He has so graciously given me and begin to take small steps forward. So here's to 2021 and growing into more of the person God has always desired me to be.