Rise.

Here's the thing- I can't change my past or my choices. I can't fix what was broken. I can't redo moments that I wish I could rewrite. I relate all too well to Esau giving away his birthright to his brother Jacob (Genesis 25) because at the moment it felt good. It was like putting a band aid on a wound that needed stitches; a temporary fix that never healed. Making those choices made sense in that context, but neither of us thought about what it would cost us later. 

At some point, I had made so many choices out of instant gratification that I started to believe that was all I was capable of doing. I had created a pattern that wasn't honoring God and it felt like I was buried, so logically I just kept making the same choice. The thought of "what's the point" crossed my mind because I felt like I had made too many bad decisions. All of them led me so far down a path that it was hard to see where I even started. The road back up seemed too hard and daunting and honestly impossible. I reverted to this mode of self-preservation, and I got to a point where it was easier to believe the lies because it was the only thing keeping me from drowning. But what I didn't realize was those same lies were the very thing that were holding me under the water not keeping me above it.

The devil is crafty. He knows how to corner us, and what better way to keep me where he wanted me than by making me stay in the water by manipulating me to believe my head was only above it because of the hill of deceit and disappointment I had created. Logically, I believed that in order to "get out" I should keep adding to it. Building the hill up so my head would never fall underneath the surface. It was easier to believe that I was a colossal screw-up than it was to believe that people could forgive me and look past the trail of damage I had following me. I started to wear my choices like a protective covering because on some messed up level it made me feel safe. It was easier to hide behind shame because then I started to believe that was the kind of person I was rather than fighting to change it. But in doing so I was preventing God from using my story to bring restoration- whether it be just for me or for others by sharing it and getting honest about how I was doing. Staying in the water only punished me by keeping me trapped, and it gave the devil an easy victory that we all know he absolutely does not deserve.

When I finally decided I wanted out of the water I became aware of some things. I had help creating the lies I believed. The things that were said to me, done to me helped to create this idea in my mind for years that I wasn't good enough. I didn't deserve a chance to be better. I wasn't worthy. I believed it was just who I was. But all that time I had a tiny inkling in the back of my mind trying to break its way out- reminding me of God's truths and not the world's. It took me reaching my breaking point in my marriage for that sliver to to burst forth and completely change the trajectory of my life. I finally had had enough. I was tired of being put down. I was tired of living low. I was tired of believing the lies I had allowed to keep me stuck and empty. I wanted something different, so I decided shake myself free from those labels and thoughts. I chose to finally rise above it all.

Fast forward a couple years, and I'm thriving in a new place, in a new job, in a new church with amazing community, and it feels good. Every once in awhile my past pops up like it's always prone to do, but I work through it. I don't allow it to define me because I chose to rise. I would be lying if I said it wasn't hard though. It is like a dark shadow that lingers behind me every day. I have to choose to not let the same lies dictate my actions and beliefs. I have to fight to not travel down the same rabbit holes and force myself to work through my triggers versus ignoring them. Most people who hear my story are empathetic while others struggle to grasp why I stayed for so long. I have to be careful to not allow their questions to fuel any shame I fight against keeping around. I mean even now being on the other side of things I sometimes have a hard time understanding why I stayed for so long because I've finally been out of it long enough that I am able to think clearly. It's hard to not ask myself those same questions because I feel like a completely different person. However, I've heard that being in a toxic situation is like being addicted to a drug, and addictions are hard to break. Knowing this makes me want to not focus on why I stayed, but celebrate the fact that I broke free. 

Healing is a tough business because while valleys are difficult; mountaintops are terrifying. You work so hard to get up that when you reach the top the view is hard to enjoy because you're too scared about falling back down. You cling desperately to the peak which can result in living a life of constant fear. Fear of failure. Fear of rejection. Fear of taking the wrong step. Fear of never being able to trust yourself again. Fear that you aren't really healed. Fear that someone will never be able to look beyond the dark cloud that hovers. You do all that work to be better, to rise, and you can't even allow yourself the pleasure of looking around and seeing the view from up high. 

The funny thing about a mountaintop though is that at some point you have to come down. A friend reminded me of this over coffee and she made the point that we can either fall backward or fall forwards, but that choice is ours. Getting to a mountaintop doesn't guarantee never being in a valley again, but it can equip us to be prepared for it and that valley doesn't have to seem so impossibly deep. I was listening to a sermon the other day and the pastor said, "He doesn't always pull us out of the situation, but He always enters into the situation with us." This is how we combat those valley moments. This is how we avoid that drowning feeling. Because God is always in those moments with us. Getting knocked down is inevitable. Being pulled into the water is impossible to avoid. Falling off a mountain top is going to happen. Perspective is what drives how we choose to see those situations in our lives. And in those situations we have to choose to rise. 

And the thing is we never have to do it alone. That's a guarantee backed up by scripture. Joshua 1:9 says "This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” He promises to be with us in every single situation no matter its "location." In this life, we will face trials regardless of if we love Jesus or not. The benefit of aligning our lives to His is that when those moments hit we'll be better prepared to handle them not because of who we are, but because of who He is. 

So choose to rise on mountaintops and enjoy the view. Choose to rise in the valley even when you have to lean on Jesus for support to stand. Choose to rise and swim out of the water even if He's having to basically drag you out. Choose to rise regardless because it's better than staying down. Choose to cling to the belief that this world is temporary and place your hope in the peaceful fact that there are far, far better things ahead. I don't know how my story or your story ends, but we can choose to remember all the ways God has been faithful to us and that's enough to sustain us as we move forward and choose to rise. Every time.