I can't believe it has taken me this long to get back on the blogging horse, but so much has happened in the past 7 months that I'll just say I was a little distracted. Unfortunately, at the beginning of the summer I chose the path more traveled, and I want to say that I regret it, but it has taught me more than I could have ever thought. Would I have saved myself lots of heartache and guilt by choosing a different path? Oh, without a doubt I would have, but I also have learned so much about myself that even if I was given the opportunity to go back and change things I'm not sure I actually would. Life is a journey that includes twists and turns and ups and downs and these past months have added a few of those to my story, which I hope that one day I can use to help guide someone in the right direction. I have decided that instead of dwelling on my mistakes I would like to turn them into something positive. There is not one single person on this planet that is not struggling with something, and if I can be one person to help another because of the experiences I have had, then I will use them for the greater good.
I say all of this because too often lately I have found myself feeling sorry for myself and wishing I could change the past. That is no way to live a life. I do not wish to live a life that consists of the past. I want to live a life that is in the present and one that looks onto the future. Resentment and guilt cling to the past, and I have had more than enough of that. It's high time that I stand up, brush myself off, and open my eyes to what the future holds. If I continue to live in the past I will live a sad, pathetic life, and that terrifies me more than the chance that I may make more mistakes, which knowing me and that I'm human I'm bound to screw up a few more times before I leave this earth. Life isn't easy, but it doesn't have to be lived in misery.
This morning I didn't go to church (gasp), but instead I chose to spend a few moments writing in my journal and looking over some verses about guilt. I have been experiencing some of that lately, so I decided to look up some verses about it to see what God had to say about it. Instead of feeling like the continual screw up that I sometimes feel like His words left me with a feeling of hope and a sense of renewal. Now this isn't one of those new year, new me mantras, but I do think that with the new year some changes need to be made. It's not going to be easy and there are probably going to be days where I make the same mistakes again, but the thing I have got to realize is that God is not going to give up on me even when I want to give up on myself. Even when all my hope is gone, God still has enough hope for the both of us. I think that is why this last verse stuck out so much to me:
"let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful."
Hebrews 10:22-23
I'm going to choose to hold onto that hope because I know despite everything that the God I serve is faithful and true. He is patient with me, even when I'm acting like a child, and someone like that is someone that more than deserves my time and my heart. I'm not perfect. I will never claim to be, but I want to strive for more than I have been lately. God deserves that and so much more from me.
Til Next Time.
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