This is NOT the End

I am divorced.

I'm sure that many of you have been wondering or have assumed something is going on based on social media or things you have heard through the grapevine. I have always said for my entire life that divorce would not ever be an option. In fact, I said that word wasn't even going to be allowed into my marriage... until it was. I know I don't owe anyone an explanation and honestly, it isn't anyone's business. I just want it to be known that I would never have chosen my life to look like this unless it was the only thing for me to do. He was unfaithful and it wasn't the first time. The details don't matter here in this space, but I finally reached my breaking point. I realized that enough is enough. I deserve so much better and in the end, loving him harder or trying to give him what I thought he wanted didn't change his behaviors. 

I don't want it to sound like I was perfect because I know I wasn't. I turned a blind eye to lots of things and I made too many decisions based on past experiences and hope instead of facts. I chose to love and look the other way too many times and I continued to not put God first in my life. I kept telling myself I would get there; that we would get there together, but it continued to not happen. I still held out hope the marriage could work because of how much I loved him. I thought love was a choice I could make for both of us, and I just couldn't bear the thought of losing him and what we had created. We had been through so much together. I just kept telling myself that it would get better...how could it not work out when I loved him so much? I had to accept that a relationship is a two-way street, and my love for him could not replace his lack of commitment to our marriage. 

I've learned through this that sometimes we lie to ourselves to get what we want. Big things, little things, anything that allows us to keep our comfortable lives. I knew for a long time, but I didn't want to see it or accept it. I wanted what I wanted and in doing so, I lost myself and who I was. I saw marriage as my end goal and when I said yes to marry him it seemed like a dream come true. It didn't matter that I knew things weren't as they should be and that I deserved better. I tried so hard to make our new home beautiful, but when it's covered with lies the beauty can only be skin deep. I wish with every fiber of my being that I would have talked to someone, but I chose to keep things to myself for many reasons. And it wasn't the first time that I withheld information from friends and family either. I had this belief that I didn't need their opinions. Really deep down I knew what they would say and I was scared of losing it all and feeling like my love was wasted. A beautiful wedding, romantic honeymoon, and a new home doesn't mean anything if it's not with the right person. I know that now. 

I think back on the last six years and I wonder why I wasn't honest with people, but I just believed so deeply in him and who he could be. I would give anything to rewind and shake myself to see what everyone else around me already saw, but that saying of "love is blind" is seriously one of the truest statements out there. The love I had and gave in my relationship and marriage was 100% true, and I have never felt pain quite like this before. Not to mention quarantine hit right after everything with him was finalized, so I have had more than enough time to think way too much about everything. There are days where I feel like I'm drowning and I'm doing well to just keep my head above water figuratively speaking. Then there are days where I feel like I'm finally the best version of myself and I'm excited about what the future holds. Inevitably, a good day is followed by a really bad one. However, there are starting to be more good days than bad. I'm trying to see the silver lining and focus my attention on moving forward because there's nothing left for me from the past.

I think the thing that has blown me away the most is the amount of support I have received over these last few months. I always knew that I was loved, but I can finally say that I believe that statement to be true. Not a single person has said "I told you so"; in fact, I feel like many have gone out of their way to make sure that I know how much God loves me and how much they do as well. To be honest it can be overwhelming; however, I am so incredibly grateful for every kind word. I was fully prepared for an onslaught of "I tried to tell you" or "Why didn't you tell me sooner?" or "What were you thinking?" And instead, people reached out with "I'm so sorry. What do you need?" or "I'm praying for you and please know I love you." I firmly believe that this whole situation would have been a lot worse without those people. So thank you for all of you that have reached out to check on me. I appreciate you all more than I know how to express. 

I've written before about my struggle with realizing that grief is cyclical and that I'm allowed to feel more than one feeling at a time. It's hard because I just want to be able to move past all of this. I would love it if there was a button I could press that would help me fast forward the process; however, I know that I wouldn't learn anything that way and it wouldn't be beneficial. I refuse to let this mess be for nothing. I know and believe that God can and will use my story, at some point, to bring glory to Him. For far too long I ran hard and fast in the other direction; only giving Him my leftovers, if that even. And I'm done with that nonsense. My life is not my own and I refuse to continue living without God being at the forefront; guiding me to be the person He has always wanted me to become. Me being divorced doesn’t define me or who I am. 

Brene Brown defines shame as "the experience or fear of believing we’re not worthy of connection." These last six months I have felt so much shame but it is something I have placed on myself because of feeling embarrassed that this is my life. That fear is fueled by the devil and the lies that he wants me to believe. I made choices that brought me to this point, but it’s so important to remember who God is and what He is capable of. My sister bought me a book for my birthday for us to read together; it's called Stop Calling Me Beautiful, and I was not expecting to love it as much as I have. One of the chapters talks about shame and the author says: "My sin-my shame- was completely eradicated in Christ. This was the basis for my confidence. When we allow our brokenness and shame to loom larger than Christ’s sacrifice, we’re submitting to an ungodly authority. The last is not our god. Jesus, who resurrected from the dead to overcome sin and the grave-He is our God! Only when we keep this perspective do we view ourselves in the correct light...the light of freedom." There isn’t a restart button with God. He just says keep going, I’ve got you. And to be honest that’s so refreshing because I don’t have to move backward or begin again nor does He want that for me. Jesus meets me right where I am, exactly as I am. All I have to do is lean in and trust Him. People’s opinions of me don’t matter as long as my heart and my mind are right with God. Galatians 1:10 says, "Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ." I’m choosing to no longer be bound by my fears and insecurities because I’m choosing to put my life in His hands. God’s approval is the only one that I need to be seeking, and it's the only one that truly matters. 

I didn't write this post for pity or to be told that I'm strong, but rather for someone to read it and feel like someone else gets it. People don't really talk about divorce especially for people who are young and at the beginning of a marriage. There's this feeling of failure because it didn't work, and you just feel so alone, afraid of judgment or people's comments. But I am here to say that you're not alone and I see you. Like my brother and sister both have said to me many times- you aren't the first person to go through this and you won't be the last. At first, I hated that because I felt like it diminished my experience and what I was feeling, however the longer it's been the more I realize their point wasn't that at all. It was that I'm not alone. I don't have to isolate myself in my experiences because there are others who have been through this before that may have amazing advice or just be willing to listen and empathize with me. To that same degree, there will be others, unfortunately, that will experience this after me. My prayer is that I will have allowed God to help me work through my hurt and pain, so He can use me in their lives. This sucks on every level and there are many days where I hate that this is my story. However, I'm slowly getting to a point where I can see God's hand on my life, and I cannot wait to see how He uses my mistakes for His glory. He is the ultimate redeemer and my trust is completely in Him. God is good and continues to bless me 1000x over even when I don't deserve it. 

This is not the end for me; it's only the beginning.  

Year 27

Dear me,

This year's birthday looks a little different, well actually, a lot different. You're not in the place that you thought you would be for an assortment of reasons, and you're stuck in quarantine because of this crazy pandemic. However, not all is lost. You are still you. No one and nothing can take that away.

This year I pray that you give yourself grace from past mistakes. I pray that you lean into God and trust what He has in store for you. I pray that you would find joy in the small things and learn to relax and stop rushing around looking for something to always accomplish. This year I pray that you would realize how vastly and deeply loved you are, especially by family and friends.

This year I pray that you realize YOU ARE ENOUGH. You have so much to offer, and just because you're a little jaded and life isn't what you expected doesn't mean that you aren't worthy. God can do a lot with a little, and you've given Him more than a little to work with; just be patient.

This year I pray that you have more confidence than any other year because you are completely free to be exactly who you want to be. I pray you re-discover things you used to love and unearth new things you never knew about yourself. I pray that this year would be a rebirth of sorts, yes I realize how cheesy that sounds, but I mean it. Take time to slow down and appreciate all that is around you even when it's uncomfortable.

This year I pray that you find the relationships that matter most and nurture them. I pray for wisdom that you learn the right people to open up with and for opportunities to share Jesus with everyone that crosses your path. I pray that you would put others before yourself, but also know how to take care of yourself, so you don't get lost in the mix.

This year I pray for a year of growth. You have so much potential, so don't sell yourself short. Step into the person that God has designed you to be and embrace all of you, the good and the not so good. No one is perfect, so don't be so hard on yourself. Grieve what you have lost, but pick yourself up and figure out how to move forward.

This year is a year of change for you, and while it may seem daunting at times, I firmly believe it might turn out to be one of the best years yet. I know you're closer to 30 than 20, which is terrifying, but you're still young and you still have a long road ahead of you. Take your time figuring out what you want and make sure it is rooted in what God wants. You've got one life, so don't waste it chasing after things that don't matter.

Happy birthday,

Me

Darkness into Light

A few weeks ago I wrote my first blog post in a while and I was feeling so positive. The quarantine had barely started, and I was taking steps in the right direction for my life. Fast forward three weeks and I am riding the struggle bus. I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel and outside of this quarantine I have had to deal with a lot in the last five to six months. I'm trying to move forward and I'm trying to not look back because I know there's nothing left for me there, but it is incredibly hard when my once normal is so different now for many reasons. I never dreamed that we would be on lockdown for this long, and I swear I feel like I'm going crazy. One day I feel amazing and upbeat and I know I could face anything, but the next day or even sometimes later the same day I'm in a pit so deep it seems endless.

My brother says that the grief cycle is cyclical. To be honest I hate that and I'm over it. I'm a lists kind of gal, so I'm ready to just cross through the word grieve and move on. My counselor tells me she notices I have all or nothing thinking, which at first I didn't see, however, I'm definitely picking up on it now. I don't like it when things continue when I'm ready to be done and it's hard to accept that I may experience multiple, opposite emotions at the same time. Needless to say I have handed myself and my frustrations over to the devil lately more than I care to admit. I was letting my past hang over my head and begging God to take it all away. I was wishing that I could go back and do it over. Be better, walk away sooner, but I know that life doesn't work that way and dwelling in the past doesn't help. The past is permanent, however, the future is still being written, so I know that's where I need to focus my attention. That's one of those things that is a lot easier said than done though.

When I was in college and doing my practicums, I really enjoyed doing read alouds with my students. One of my favorites was If you give a mouse a cookie, and I feel like I've created a version of that in my life, but with the devil. For instance, if you give the devil an inch, he will take a mile. Or if you give the devil a doubt, he will create 1000 more.  Or if you give him even the smallest amount of your light, he will engulf it with darkness. This last week leading up to Easter had me feeling like I was drowning. It was crazy because I could feel happy and yet at the same time I felt like all I wanted was to go to my room, curl up on my bed, and cry. I was consumed with feeling like a failure and frustrated that I don't have a plan perfectly lined out for moving forward. Then a few days ago I was gently reminded that it's not my job to control everything. Instead of that being relieving news I beat myself up about it because hadn't I just told God that He could have control? How quickly I took it back without even noticing. That feeling of being a failure flared up again and I know the devil saw his chance to slide in because my head has been in such a negative space.

I started out today mentally not invested if I'm being real with everyone. I'm tired of not being able to meet in the church; to not be able to worship alongside my congregation. Not to mention that this is the first Easter in my entire life where I wasn't at church. I was fully prepared to not enjoy it, but then the streaming of the service started and something shifted in me. There was a moment where words were flashing across the screen saying: "from death to life, from darkness to light, from grey to color, Jesus lives, Christ is risen" and for some reason, in all its simplicity it brought tears to my eyes. It was the smallest reminder that I am not alone. It almost felt like a reset button was hit for me and instead of feeling discouraged, I felt invigorated. Yes, my past is and always will be a part of me, but it does not have to define me. I think what I have to remember is that it's how I use those experiences moving forward to make decisions in order to be the person God has always designed me to be.

Pastor Craig Groeschel from Life.Church said it well: "The devil wants to use shame to pull you away from God. God wants to use your mistakes to draw you near to him. God wants to use your guilt to draw you to His grace." I am so far from perfect, and this last week will definitely not be the last time that I feel sad or off, but I have to bring those feelings of inadequacy to Him and express my pain rather than hide from Him. I don't want to make the same mistakes and maybe one day God will use my story for His glory, but right now I think He just wants me to lean into Him and trust that He will work everything out in His time. It's hard to give over control, but just because I struggle with it doesn't mean that I am not worthy of His love and grace. The devil is really good at blinding us, but on this day when Jesus reigns victorious I feel like it's only fitting to say that devil you don't win today. You don't have any strongholds over me because my God calls me worthy and says that He can work all things (including the things I wish I could get a redo on) for His good. I am a daughter of the King of Kings and I am unconditionally loved.

Towards the end of today's service Pastor John began talking about how God has prepared for us a place in Heaven. For the first time in a long time I felt like I could honestly say that I know for sure where I'm going. I'm not scared of dying, albeit I'm not necessarily wanting to go anytime soon, but I just mean that I know without a doubt when I do I will get to spend eternity praising His name. Not to mention that's what I want out of this life- I want to love people and exude Christ through every fiber of my being because that is the purpose of us being here. It's been a minute since I have been able to confidently say any of that and truly mean it. I may have wandered, but time and time again God has consistently been there to steer me back to Him. This world, this life, it's hard, but God has overcome it and He's right there to help us make it through too. I am clinging to the fact that all I have been through will not be a waste. God will redeem me, but I have to be willing to hand it all over to Him. 

So yeah this Easter looked a lot different, but God wasn't any different and we still got to celebrate Jesus rising from the dead; just from the comfort of our own homes this year. I for one am incredibly grateful that in the midst of these crazy times our God remains a constant light in the darkness. And He's more than willing to help you through to the other side if you'd only let Him. I may struggle with all or nothing thinking, but thankfully God is not an all or nothing kind of God when it comes to our mistakes. He desperately wants a relationship with us, but we have to be willing to make the changes and do the work that is required of us. We are bound to mess up, but that doesn't mean we have to start over. God is ready to walk with you exactly where you are in order to help you become the person you were destined to be. I'm no expert, but if you need someone to talk to or pray with I would be more than happy to do that with you. Send me an e-mail, a text, whatever, but don't waste another minute running from Him because I can tell you from experience it isn't worth it. Not one iota. 

Anxious For Nothing

During this season of the unknown, it is incredibly easy to be fearful and anxious about what the future holds. So many things in my life lately have been out of my control and this type A gal has been struggling. It's hard to watch my life unfold and feel like I don't have a say in it. I do have a flair for the dramatic though, so I understand that there are things in my life that I can control. However, when it comes to the big things, not having a plan in place is hard. I feel like my life is on hold and yet it's still moving forward. It's this weird in-between place.

I feel as though anytime I start to come back to a sense of normalcy, then something else is thrown my way to prove that I'm not there. Honestly, there are times where I want to throw a fit and declare how unfair life is, but I was raised knowing that's not an appropriate way to respond to situations. Besides, it would only feel better at that moment; serving as instant gratification but fixing nothing. Even though I am an advocate for venting, I have learned through my many experiences, that it doesn't solve anything. Just a temporary, emotional fix that still leaves the problem at my feet.

One of the latest events that was taken out of my control was the cancelling of school. I was not prepared to not see my students face to face again. I didn't get a chance to tell them goodbye or even let them know that I am not coming back next school year. In my mind, I had a plan on how I would handle the end of the year and the activities I would do with them to create lasting memories. That plan was crushed to bits by the virus that shall not be named. I really struggled that first day they broke the news about school shutting down. (To be honest, I had a breakdown about how unfair life is even though I mentioned earlier how that wasn't the adult thing to do and it didn't fix the problem, thus proving what I previously said.) As much as my students drive me crazy I am going to miss seeing all of them every day. This group is extra special to me because I taught many of them in 5th grade as well. There are so many students that brightened my day and made this year manageable despite all the craziness happening in my personal life. The weird thing is that even though they were often the ones driving me bonkers, they were also the ones that brought me sanity. Teaching is my passion, but the best part of it is building relationships with my students. I know the school year isn't over, but it definitely isn't finishing the way I wanted it to.

I was going to change the wording of that last sentence because it finishes with what I want. Just another reminder that God doesn't always give us exactly what we want. It's not that I think wanting things is wrong, but I think it's easy to lose sight of the big picture when we are focused on what we want and need. God didn't place us on this earth to live selfish lives. In fact, He called us to live the exact opposite. That's hard in times like these where we don't get to make decisions like we normally would. It causes anxiety and frustration and oftentimes fear. Ironically, a month or so ago, my pastor preached a series called "Anxious for Nothing," hence the title of this blog post. I'm not sure if he knew how handy his sermons would become, but I have thought back to them often in the last week as I can feel anxiety creeping in. For the majority of my life, I didn't deal with anxiety, but in the last three to four months that has changed. It sucks. Sometimes it feels like I can't breathe and I'm trapped. Other moments it feels like I'm paralyzed. I hate feeling out of control, but it has also allowed for more opportunities for me to lean into God and trust Him. Sometimes, or most times, that's easier said than done. However, in one of the last sermons from that series, my pastor made this point: our immediate perception = reality = reactive. I feel like there's a lot of people following that chain in our nation's current set of circumstances.

I remember listening to him talk about this chain and thinking how true it has been for so many events in my life. It is so easy to fall into the thought process of "well this is how I feel, so this must be true and there's no way around it." My pastor challenged us to have a chosen perspective from God, rather than immediate perception from our own thoughts and feelings. In those moments, when fear and stress and anxiety are setting in and it feels like your world is becoming dark, that's the devil at work. I don't know about you, but I don't want him to win. He is not going to be the victor in my story. When you feel the darkness creeping in or in some cases like a tidal wave hitting you at once- use it and see it as an opportunity for God to show up. Praise God in those moments. Again, I am going to stress that when you feel like you can't breathe or you feel stuck it's incredibly difficult to want to praise God, but over time it has gotten easier for me, and my anxiety isn't as prevalent. It's 100% there, but the moments are more fleeting and they don't seem as daunting because I have trained myself to turn to Him. Some moments I don't even have to think about it and I just do, but other moments I still have to coax myself. It's a reminder that my immediate perception isn't always reality and I need to challenge it with the chosen perspective before completely spinning out.

 One thing that has been really helpful for me is memorizing verses or even pieces of verses that I can repeat to myself when I can feel those walls closing in. I've said them in my head or even out loud sometimes depending on the situation I'm facing. His light will ALWAYS push out darkness, so my only option is to call on His name. I can't tell you how many times I have repeatedly whispered to myself, "Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you" or "Don't worry about anything, instead pray about everything" or "Rejoice in the Lord, always." I firmly believe that in those moments God shows up, and I can personally attest to that too.

I completely understand that my experiences with anxiety and my tactics for dealing with it are not a cure-all. However, one thing I can say without a doubt is that turning to God will only bring about positive results. In times like these, where no one knows what is going to happen or how bad this virus will become I feel like our only option is to reach out to Him because He's the only one that does know what will happen. I find comfort in knowing that. Am I still anxious? A little. Am I fearful? Sometimes, but I know that I serve a God who is infinitely bigger and stronger than anything of this world, so that's what I am clinging to every day. I know that no matter what happens, God always works for the good of those who love Him. I believe that God will use this current chaos to bring people to Him and that amidst this scary time He will make Himself known. I don't have all the answers, but He does and I'm learning to let that be enough for me. My latest verse that I have been trying to memorize to help ease my anxiousness is: "Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things, " Colossians 3:2. This world and all its troubles are temporary. Cling to the truth and trust that God has us all in His hands. Always.

I love music, so to end I would like to share a song that my sister shared with me. It's another one that's been on repeat for me and has been very fitting in all areas of my life. It's just a good reminder that God is working everything for our good.

'Til Next Time.

New Beginnings

So, it's been a minute since I last wrote, actually more like six years. I wouldn't even know where to begin to share what has happened in that space of time. I wish I could say that the girl who wrote those last few posts was able to achieve all the things she desired, but unfortunately, I took the road most traveled again. I landed myself in some messes, and I found myself with a lot more scars.

I thought about starting a new blog and allowing myself the metaphorical version of starting fresh, but also there's something full circle in continuing this blog. When I started it in 2012,  I had just been broken up with by the guy I thought I would marry. Thus the name: Plan B. Granted I was 18, and clearly clueless on what real love is, and to be honest, I still am pretty clueless of that.

At this point in my life, I'm easily on Plan L or R or let's be real probably Z. I hate that it's almost 10 years later and I have found myself in a similar position. You would think that I would have learned a thing or two by now. I am notorious for making plans and desiring everything to fit in a perfect box exactly the way I want it to, but every time I cling to that way of life it never ends well. I struggle with control and letting go of it. When things spiral I tend to cling more to how I think it should be rather than trusting God. It's been an ongoing issue for, oh you know, all my life. You know that song, Jesus Take the Wheel? I have said that a million times, but I don't think I have ever really meant it or if I thought I did, then I didn't live it.

Recently, I have started reading a lot, and I mean A LOT of self-help books out of desperation and desire to be a better human for God, for myself, for my family, etc. I even started going to counseling, which has been helpful, but the problem is that I'm searching for a fix it all answer. Unfortunately, I don't think that exists in this life. The only true "cure" I know of is Jesus and that becomes a way of living and not just a band-aid that allows you to move past pain and sorrow. It's something I have to choose daily in good things and in bad things. There are some mornings that I wake up and the immense joy I feel is something I want to share with everyone, and I can totally feel God's presence and I just know that it's going to be an amazing day. However, the next day I'll wake up and I'm a complete wreck. My attitude sucks. I'm sad or angry or frustrated and I don't want to see anyone or do anything because I just know that no one will understand and nothing will make it better. It's difficult to understand my pendulum swing of emotions, but I have been told that's normal, so I'm trying to take it one day at a time. The best part of it all is that God, my Jesus, loves me and chooses me through all of it. I have been blinded for far too long by this world to see and experience His goodness and faithfulness. The veil has been lifted, and my eyes are finally clear to be able to grasp just how much love He has for me and bucket loads of patience.

However, it's hard to let yourself be loved again when you feel like you've made too many mistakes and you're just far too gone. And yet, there's God, patiently waiting for you to let Him love you the way we know we don't deserve, but He is more than happy to anyway. In fact, I believe that He does His best work through redemption, but we have to be an active participant for it to work. So I guess that's where I am at right now. I'm trying to be more than just along for the ride and not just relying upon or reaching out to Him when things are tough. I want to learn to acknowledge Him and live a life that exemplifies Him at all times. That is so much easier said than done, but I am here to learn to push on and not give up because He never gives up on us.

In a sense, I am starting over and at first, I was resentful of that fact, but now I see it as an opportunity to really allow God to shape and mold me into the person He has always wanted me to become. There's something really exciting about that fact even if I'm not really pumped about where I'm at in my life right now. I had a friend ask me if I was okay, and my honest response was, "No, but I am so incredibly joyful." It's the weirdest, most wonderful place to be. This isn't how I imagined my life, but I'm tired of putting limits on my God that is capable of unimaginable things.

To end I would like to share a song that has really spoken to me in the midst of everything. I have listened to it on repeat more times than I can count. I first heard it during worship at church, and I've clung to its message ever since that first moment. It's Called Me Higher by All Sons and Daughters. Click on the song title to listen to it yourself. My favorite lyrics from the song are below:

And I could hold on

I could hold on to who I am and never let You
Change me from the inside
And I could be safe, oh
I could be safe here in Your arms and never leave home
Never let these walls down

But You have called me higher
You have called me deeper
And I'll go where You will lead me Lord

Honestly, the whole song is wonderful, but those lyrics, in particular, stir something in me every time I listen to it. I don't want to be the person I was because God wasn't at the center of her. I don't want to play it safe anymore. I want to be called higher and become the person God has always dreamed of me becoming. So, here's to new beginnings. 

'Til Next Time.