This is NOT the End

I am divorced.

I'm sure that many of you have been wondering or have assumed something is going on based on social media or things you have heard through the grapevine. I have always said for my entire life that divorce would not ever be an option. In fact, I said that word wasn't even going to be allowed into my marriage... until it was. I know I don't owe anyone an explanation and honestly, it isn't anyone's business. I just want it to be known that I would never have chosen my life to look like this unless it was the only thing for me to do. He was unfaithful and it wasn't the first time. The details don't matter here in this space, but I finally reached my breaking point. I realized that enough is enough. I deserve so much better and in the end, loving him harder or trying to give him what I thought he wanted didn't change his behaviors. 

I don't want it to sound like I was perfect because I know I wasn't. I turned a blind eye to lots of things and I made too many decisions based on past experiences and hope instead of facts. I chose to love and look the other way too many times and I continued to not put God first in my life. I kept telling myself I would get there; that we would get there together, but it continued to not happen. I still held out hope the marriage could work because of how much I loved him. I thought love was a choice I could make for both of us, and I just couldn't bear the thought of losing him and what we had created. We had been through so much together. I just kept telling myself that it would get better...how could it not work out when I loved him so much? I had to accept that a relationship is a two-way street, and my love for him could not replace his lack of commitment to our marriage. 

I've learned through this that sometimes we lie to ourselves to get what we want. Big things, little things, anything that allows us to keep our comfortable lives. I knew for a long time, but I didn't want to see it or accept it. I wanted what I wanted and in doing so, I lost myself and who I was. I saw marriage as my end goal and when I said yes to marry him it seemed like a dream come true. It didn't matter that I knew things weren't as they should be and that I deserved better. I tried so hard to make our new home beautiful, but when it's covered with lies the beauty can only be skin deep. I wish with every fiber of my being that I would have talked to someone, but I chose to keep things to myself for many reasons. And it wasn't the first time that I withheld information from friends and family either. I had this belief that I didn't need their opinions. Really deep down I knew what they would say and I was scared of losing it all and feeling like my love was wasted. A beautiful wedding, romantic honeymoon, and a new home doesn't mean anything if it's not with the right person. I know that now. 

I think back on the last six years and I wonder why I wasn't honest with people, but I just believed so deeply in him and who he could be. I would give anything to rewind and shake myself to see what everyone else around me already saw, but that saying of "love is blind" is seriously one of the truest statements out there. The love I had and gave in my relationship and marriage was 100% true, and I have never felt pain quite like this before. Not to mention quarantine hit right after everything with him was finalized, so I have had more than enough time to think way too much about everything. There are days where I feel like I'm drowning and I'm doing well to just keep my head above water figuratively speaking. Then there are days where I feel like I'm finally the best version of myself and I'm excited about what the future holds. Inevitably, a good day is followed by a really bad one. However, there are starting to be more good days than bad. I'm trying to see the silver lining and focus my attention on moving forward because there's nothing left for me from the past.

I think the thing that has blown me away the most is the amount of support I have received over these last few months. I always knew that I was loved, but I can finally say that I believe that statement to be true. Not a single person has said "I told you so"; in fact, I feel like many have gone out of their way to make sure that I know how much God loves me and how much they do as well. To be honest it can be overwhelming; however, I am so incredibly grateful for every kind word. I was fully prepared for an onslaught of "I tried to tell you" or "Why didn't you tell me sooner?" or "What were you thinking?" And instead, people reached out with "I'm so sorry. What do you need?" or "I'm praying for you and please know I love you." I firmly believe that this whole situation would have been a lot worse without those people. So thank you for all of you that have reached out to check on me. I appreciate you all more than I know how to express. 

I've written before about my struggle with realizing that grief is cyclical and that I'm allowed to feel more than one feeling at a time. It's hard because I just want to be able to move past all of this. I would love it if there was a button I could press that would help me fast forward the process; however, I know that I wouldn't learn anything that way and it wouldn't be beneficial. I refuse to let this mess be for nothing. I know and believe that God can and will use my story, at some point, to bring glory to Him. For far too long I ran hard and fast in the other direction; only giving Him my leftovers, if that even. And I'm done with that nonsense. My life is not my own and I refuse to continue living without God being at the forefront; guiding me to be the person He has always wanted me to become. Me being divorced doesn’t define me or who I am. 

Brene Brown defines shame as "the experience or fear of believing we’re not worthy of connection." These last six months I have felt so much shame but it is something I have placed on myself because of feeling embarrassed that this is my life. That fear is fueled by the devil and the lies that he wants me to believe. I made choices that brought me to this point, but it’s so important to remember who God is and what He is capable of. My sister bought me a book for my birthday for us to read together; it's called Stop Calling Me Beautiful, and I was not expecting to love it as much as I have. One of the chapters talks about shame and the author says: "My sin-my shame- was completely eradicated in Christ. This was the basis for my confidence. When we allow our brokenness and shame to loom larger than Christ’s sacrifice, we’re submitting to an ungodly authority. The last is not our god. Jesus, who resurrected from the dead to overcome sin and the grave-He is our God! Only when we keep this perspective do we view ourselves in the correct light...the light of freedom." There isn’t a restart button with God. He just says keep going, I’ve got you. And to be honest that’s so refreshing because I don’t have to move backward or begin again nor does He want that for me. Jesus meets me right where I am, exactly as I am. All I have to do is lean in and trust Him. People’s opinions of me don’t matter as long as my heart and my mind are right with God. Galatians 1:10 says, "Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ." I’m choosing to no longer be bound by my fears and insecurities because I’m choosing to put my life in His hands. God’s approval is the only one that I need to be seeking, and it's the only one that truly matters. 

I didn't write this post for pity or to be told that I'm strong, but rather for someone to read it and feel like someone else gets it. People don't really talk about divorce especially for people who are young and at the beginning of a marriage. There's this feeling of failure because it didn't work, and you just feel so alone, afraid of judgment or people's comments. But I am here to say that you're not alone and I see you. Like my brother and sister both have said to me many times- you aren't the first person to go through this and you won't be the last. At first, I hated that because I felt like it diminished my experience and what I was feeling, however the longer it's been the more I realize their point wasn't that at all. It was that I'm not alone. I don't have to isolate myself in my experiences because there are others who have been through this before that may have amazing advice or just be willing to listen and empathize with me. To that same degree, there will be others, unfortunately, that will experience this after me. My prayer is that I will have allowed God to help me work through my hurt and pain, so He can use me in their lives. This sucks on every level and there are many days where I hate that this is my story. However, I'm slowly getting to a point where I can see God's hand on my life, and I cannot wait to see how He uses my mistakes for His glory. He is the ultimate redeemer and my trust is completely in Him. God is good and continues to bless me 1000x over even when I don't deserve it. 

This is not the end for me; it's only the beginning.