Enough.

My whole life I have struggled with the constant need to be liked. I am a people pleaser through and through and it kills me when I think I have upset someone or if I think someone isn't a fan of me. I feel like I have to be the one to fix it; to prove that I'm likable or that I fit in. Many times I was trying to fix problems that weren't even my fault, but I would apologize anyway. It was always terrifying to me to be on the outside, always feeling like I was involved, but never really chosen. I believed that I had to fit the mold or reach a certain standard and I would do almost anything to achieve that. I pushed aside people, things, morals, whatever it took to feel like I belonged. Most of the time it would last only a moment, and then I would find myself doing it all again for something or someone else. I was so unsatisfied with myself that I kept searching for the next thing that was going to make me feel better even if only temporary. Inevitably, the things that I thought I wanted were the same things that drained me and left me feeling empty. 

Social media makes it really easy to lie and give off the image that everything is perfect and wonderful. I didn't want to be viewed as someone who was broken or didn't have it together, so if I posted the right picture with the right caption and I received tons of likes from it, then it made me feel better and I could continue living like everything was fine. The thing is I was far from fine. I got really good at hiding my unhappiness because I would believe the lies that I told myself. I would create stories in my mind to make everything be better or provide explanations for others' actions, so I could justify the situation. I was unhappy for so long that it became my new normal, and honestly, I believed that if I tried harder or did more that it would get better. Usually, me trying harder or doing more didn't even get recognized, which only had me doing those things even more. Or on not so good days I would spiral and overanalyze why my efforts weren't working. For the last 27 years of my life, the question I have repeatedly asked myself is, "Why am I not enough?"

First, it was with family because I knew they had certain expectations and standards. So if I felt like I wasn't achieving that whether it be academics or otherwise I had a hard time feeling like I was letting them down. Then it was with friends. I was involved in so many activities that I had friends in a lot of places but because of that I never truly felt like I was on the inside. Then as I got older I worked a lot to pay for the things that I wanted to buy or experience. It felt like I was always busy when friends wanted to go do things, so it got to a point where they stopped asking me because I almost always had to say no. When I did find acceptance I was too quick to take it without looking at what I was getting myself into. I run off my emotions, which I know is not always a good thing, and I'm working on it, but at the time I would say it fueled way too many of my decisions. Someone came along and made me feel loved and accepted. However, as time went on I wasn't getting treated the way I knew I deserved, but I was invested and I clung to all the good things rather than recognizing all the not so good. Every time something bad happened the first words that would fly out of my mouth were always: "Why am I not enough?" I had this belief that I was responsible for other people's actions like I could fix it if only I worked hard enough. That logic is incredibly silly. I am not responsible for how others react or behave, and I hate that it took me this long to realize that truth.

For far too long I have lived my life for all the wrong things, and I was looking for love and acceptance from people and things that cannot satisfy. I lost myself by trying to be everything when it was not necessarily even being asked of me. I was so desperate to feel like I was enough with others that I didn't stop to consider that I am, on my own, and the people that deserve to be in my life will see that and know it too. I'm not saying I didn't have people who thought that about me, but I was so far gone in my own head and actions that I didn't believe them. Not to mention that the one person I so desperately wanted it from wasn't making me feel that way. I was so far down a rabbit hole that I was blinded from so many truths and partially unwilling to acknowledge them because I felt like I wasn't enough and I wouldn't ever be because of choices I had made.

And then my life blew up. My whole world turned upside down, and I finally realized it isn't me. I am enough. I didn't ask the question I had always asked because it was like I was finally seeing for the first time that truly as I am- I am enough. As cheesy as it sounds, that realization was incredibly freeing. I didn't cause others' actions and anything I did or could have done wouldn't have stopped them from making their own decisions. It didn't take away the hurt, but it finally allowed me to see that I deserve so much more. I have value and worth, and I'm tired of allowing others to take that away from me.

One thing my counselor told me to work on is being able to recognize my feelings and then compare them to reality. If the situation lends for me to apologize then do so, but if not, then take a step back and logically think through the situation and my emotions without letting them dictate my reaction. It seems so easy, and yet it tends to be more difficult than you think. I have to recognize that it is not my job to fix things. I can take ownership of my own actions and I can be hurt by others' actions, but I cannot change them to make myself feel better. I have to learn to accept people as they are and then learn to decide if I am going to allow them into my life or not. I have to learn when it is appropriate to walk away versus the people who are worth my time to stick it out with. This concept is even harder than the first. I don't like giving up, and I don't like feeling like I have failed at something or for someone. However, sometimes failure allows for the chance to do something again and do it better. Failure doesn't always have to be negative. It could easily be God's way of steering you in another direction. Part of learning and understanding that was by changing up my daily routines. One of the changes I have made in my life is to start the day off with Jesus whether it be through reading his word, devotional, prayer, listening to worship music, journaling, or all of the above. This time spent with Him sets me on the right track for my day and opens the line of communication to Him for the rest of the day as well. Through this, I quickly realized how faithful and attentive God is, and honestly the more He worked on my heart, the easier it was to have a better response when moments of insecurity popped up.

 At the beginning of the 2020 year, my pastor in Kansas shared a message about your one word for the year, and I instantly knew what my word would be: enough. I prayed over this and it continued to come up in my readings or things I would see. It was wild how God perfectly wove this word into my daily life and constantly reminded me of the truths behind it for Him and myself. From this word I believe that there are three things God wanted me to cling to and learn.

1) God is enough. No matter what trials I face or joys I experience, at the end of the day, God is all I need. My life may look different than I had originally hoped, but the purpose of my life isn't for me. My life is meant to be lived for Him, and that is enough for me.

2) I am enough. No one else gets to determine my value or dictate what I am worth. God created me in His perfect image, which means I have so much to offer. I have been blessed with many amazing things from Him, and it's past time I realize who I am and to whom I belong.

3) Enough is enough. Webster's Dictionary defines this phrase as: "to say that one wants something to stop because one can no longer accept or deal with it." Saying no or walking away or standing up for yourself is absolutely necessary and okay. You are never stuck and the future is unwritten. You don't have to settle or sell yourself short for someone else.

Something I have wanted for many, many years is a tattoo, and I chose to finally get one. I know many people won't agree with my decision, but I'm not living my life for others anymore. I have one life, so I'm done trying to fit someone else's expectations when the first person I need to be looking to is God. I am choosing to live my life for Him and only Him, and I prayed for months about this decision. I wanted to have a daily, physical reminder of who I am in Christ, so I chose my word. I chose this "scar," unlike the other "scars" I have in my life. And I choose to wear it proudly because it is a constant reminder of who God is and who I am in Him. I added the period at the end to emphasize there's no arguing it. God is enough. Period. I am enough. Period. Enough is enough. Period.

My good friend, Ciarra, took pictures of myself and my tattoo a few weeks ago, and when she shared the pictures with me I was overwhelmed and  I almost cried. I loved every single one. There wasn't a single picture that she sent me that I wanted to complain about. I am notorious for finding and pointing out little flaws in my pictures like my double chin, wobbly arms, crinkly eyes, etc. However, this time as I scrolled through each one I genuinely felt beautiful and I kept thinking to myself, I am enough. She perfectly captured my joy and my surrender to God and everything He has in store for me. I have looked over them several times and each time they just make me happier, and I am incredibly thankful to her for capturing these moments. I have shared a few of my favorites at the bottom of this post. 

I really want to get better at memorizing God's word and learning His truths that He has for us. In doing this one of my favorite scriptures that God laid on my heart to go along with my word and what it means to me is:

 

 "And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:38-39)

I love these verses because they are a fantastic reminder of God's immense grace and deep love for His children. I have been far from perfect, but He was always there waiting for me. My past is not my future, but I can use it to shape who I want to become. I may have many regrets, but instead of looking at them as baggage I am learning to see them as lessons, so I don't make the same mistakes again. And one day I pray that God will use my story to help someone else realize they are enough.