I feel as though anytime I start to come back to a sense of normalcy, then something else is thrown my way to prove that I'm not there. Honestly, there are times where I want to throw a fit and declare how unfair life is, but I was raised knowing that's not an appropriate way to respond to situations. Besides, it would only feel better at that moment; serving as instant gratification but fixing nothing. Even though I am an advocate for venting, I have learned through my many experiences, that it doesn't solve anything. Just a temporary, emotional fix that still leaves the problem at my feet.
One of the latest events that was taken out of my control was the cancelling of school. I was not prepared to not see my students face to face again. I didn't get a chance to tell them goodbye or even let them know that I am not coming back next school year. In my mind, I had a plan on how I would handle the end of the year and the activities I would do with them to create lasting memories. That plan was crushed to bits by the virus that shall not be named. I really struggled that first day they broke the news about school shutting down. (To be honest, I had a breakdown about how unfair life is even though I mentioned earlier how that wasn't the adult thing to do and it didn't fix the problem, thus proving what I previously said.) As much as my students drive me crazy I am going to miss seeing all of them every day. This group is extra special to me because I taught many of them in 5th grade as well. There are so many students that brightened my day and made this year manageable despite all the craziness happening in my personal life. The weird thing is that even though they were often the ones driving me bonkers, they were also the ones that brought me sanity. Teaching is my passion, but the best part of it is building relationships with my students. I know the school year isn't over, but it definitely isn't finishing the way I wanted it to.
I was going to change the wording of that last sentence because it finishes with what I want. Just another reminder that God doesn't always give us exactly what we want. It's not that I think wanting things is wrong, but I think it's easy to lose sight of the big picture when we are focused on what we want and need. God didn't place us on this earth to live selfish lives. In fact, He called us to live the exact opposite. That's hard in times like these where we don't get to make decisions like we normally would. It causes anxiety and frustration and oftentimes fear. Ironically, a month or so ago, my pastor preached a series called "Anxious for Nothing," hence the title of this blog post. I'm not sure if he knew how handy his sermons would become, but I have thought back to them often in the last week as I can feel anxiety creeping in. For the majority of my life, I didn't deal with anxiety, but in the last three to four months that has changed. It sucks. Sometimes it feels like I can't breathe and I'm trapped. Other moments it feels like I'm paralyzed. I hate feeling out of control, but it has also allowed for more opportunities for me to lean into God and trust Him. Sometimes, or most times, that's easier said than done. However, in one of the last sermons from that series, my pastor made this point: our immediate perception = reality = reactive. I feel like there's a lot of people following that chain in our nation's current set of circumstances.
I remember listening to him talk about this chain and thinking how true it has been for so many events in my life. It is so easy to fall into the thought process of "well this is how I feel, so this must be true and there's no way around it." My pastor challenged us to have a chosen perspective from God, rather than immediate perception from our own thoughts and feelings. In those moments, when fear and stress and anxiety are setting in and it feels like your world is becoming dark, that's the devil at work. I don't know about you, but I don't want him to win. He is not going to be the victor in my story. When you feel the darkness creeping in or in some cases like a tidal wave hitting you at once- use it and see it as an opportunity for God to show up. Praise God in those moments. Again, I am going to stress that when you feel like you can't breathe or you feel stuck it's incredibly difficult to want to praise God, but over time it has gotten easier for me, and my anxiety isn't as prevalent. It's 100% there, but the moments are more fleeting and they don't seem as daunting because I have trained myself to turn to Him. Some moments I don't even have to think about it and I just do, but other moments I still have to coax myself. It's a reminder that my immediate perception isn't always reality and I need to challenge it with the chosen perspective before completely spinning out.
One thing that has been really helpful for me is memorizing verses or even pieces of verses that I can repeat to myself when I can feel those walls closing in. I've said them in my head or even out loud sometimes depending on the situation I'm facing. His light will ALWAYS push out darkness, so my only option is to call on His name. I can't tell you how many times I have repeatedly whispered to myself, "Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you" or "Don't worry about anything, instead pray about everything" or "Rejoice in the Lord, always." I firmly believe that in those moments God shows up, and I can personally attest to that too.
I completely understand that my experiences with anxiety and my tactics for dealing with it are not a cure-all. However, one thing I can say without a doubt is that turning to God will only bring about positive results. In times like these, where no one knows what is going to happen or how bad this virus will become I feel like our only option is to reach out to Him because He's the only one that does know what will happen. I find comfort in knowing that. Am I still anxious? A little. Am I fearful? Sometimes, but I know that I serve a God who is infinitely bigger and stronger than anything of this world, so that's what I am clinging to every day. I know that no matter what happens, God always works for the good of those who love Him. I believe that God will use this current chaos to bring people to Him and that amidst this scary time He will make Himself known. I don't have all the answers, but He does and I'm learning to let that be enough for me. My latest verse that I have been trying to memorize to help ease my anxiousness is: "Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things, " Colossians 3:2. This world and all its troubles are temporary. Cling to the truth and trust that God has us all in His hands. Always.
I love music, so to end I would like to share a song that my sister shared with me. It's another one that's been on repeat for me and has been very fitting in all areas of my life. It's just a good reminder that God is working everything for our good.
'Til Next Time.
No comments:
Post a Comment