New Beginnings

So, it's been a minute since I last wrote, actually more like six years. I wouldn't even know where to begin to share what has happened in that space of time. I wish I could say that the girl who wrote those last few posts was able to achieve all the things she desired, but unfortunately, I took the road most traveled again. I landed myself in some messes, and I found myself with a lot more scars.

I thought about starting a new blog and allowing myself the metaphorical version of starting fresh, but also there's something full circle in continuing this blog. When I started it in 2012,  I had just been broken up with by the guy I thought I would marry. Thus the name: Plan B. Granted I was 18, and clearly clueless on what real love is, and to be honest, I still am pretty clueless of that.

At this point in my life, I'm easily on Plan L or R or let's be real probably Z. I hate that it's almost 10 years later and I have found myself in a similar position. You would think that I would have learned a thing or two by now. I am notorious for making plans and desiring everything to fit in a perfect box exactly the way I want it to, but every time I cling to that way of life it never ends well. I struggle with control and letting go of it. When things spiral I tend to cling more to how I think it should be rather than trusting God. It's been an ongoing issue for, oh you know, all my life. You know that song, Jesus Take the Wheel? I have said that a million times, but I don't think I have ever really meant it or if I thought I did, then I didn't live it.

Recently, I have started reading a lot, and I mean A LOT of self-help books out of desperation and desire to be a better human for God, for myself, for my family, etc. I even started going to counseling, which has been helpful, but the problem is that I'm searching for a fix it all answer. Unfortunately, I don't think that exists in this life. The only true "cure" I know of is Jesus and that becomes a way of living and not just a band-aid that allows you to move past pain and sorrow. It's something I have to choose daily in good things and in bad things. There are some mornings that I wake up and the immense joy I feel is something I want to share with everyone, and I can totally feel God's presence and I just know that it's going to be an amazing day. However, the next day I'll wake up and I'm a complete wreck. My attitude sucks. I'm sad or angry or frustrated and I don't want to see anyone or do anything because I just know that no one will understand and nothing will make it better. It's difficult to understand my pendulum swing of emotions, but I have been told that's normal, so I'm trying to take it one day at a time. The best part of it all is that God, my Jesus, loves me and chooses me through all of it. I have been blinded for far too long by this world to see and experience His goodness and faithfulness. The veil has been lifted, and my eyes are finally clear to be able to grasp just how much love He has for me and bucket loads of patience.

However, it's hard to let yourself be loved again when you feel like you've made too many mistakes and you're just far too gone. And yet, there's God, patiently waiting for you to let Him love you the way we know we don't deserve, but He is more than happy to anyway. In fact, I believe that He does His best work through redemption, but we have to be an active participant for it to work. So I guess that's where I am at right now. I'm trying to be more than just along for the ride and not just relying upon or reaching out to Him when things are tough. I want to learn to acknowledge Him and live a life that exemplifies Him at all times. That is so much easier said than done, but I am here to learn to push on and not give up because He never gives up on us.

In a sense, I am starting over and at first, I was resentful of that fact, but now I see it as an opportunity to really allow God to shape and mold me into the person He has always wanted me to become. There's something really exciting about that fact even if I'm not really pumped about where I'm at in my life right now. I had a friend ask me if I was okay, and my honest response was, "No, but I am so incredibly joyful." It's the weirdest, most wonderful place to be. This isn't how I imagined my life, but I'm tired of putting limits on my God that is capable of unimaginable things.

To end I would like to share a song that has really spoken to me in the midst of everything. I have listened to it on repeat more times than I can count. I first heard it during worship at church, and I've clung to its message ever since that first moment. It's Called Me Higher by All Sons and Daughters. Click on the song title to listen to it yourself. My favorite lyrics from the song are below:

And I could hold on

I could hold on to who I am and never let You
Change me from the inside
And I could be safe, oh
I could be safe here in Your arms and never leave home
Never let these walls down

But You have called me higher
You have called me deeper
And I'll go where You will lead me Lord

Honestly, the whole song is wonderful, but those lyrics, in particular, stir something in me every time I listen to it. I don't want to be the person I was because God wasn't at the center of her. I don't want to play it safe anymore. I want to be called higher and become the person God has always dreamed of me becoming. So, here's to new beginnings. 

'Til Next Time.