A few weeks ago I wrote my first blog post in a while and I was feeling so positive. The quarantine had barely started, and I was taking steps in the right direction for my life. Fast forward three weeks and I am riding the struggle bus. I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel and outside of this quarantine I have had to deal with a lot in the last five to six months. I'm trying to move forward and I'm trying to not look back because I know there's nothing left for me there, but it is incredibly hard when my once normal is so different now for many reasons. I never dreamed that we would be on lockdown for this long, and I swear I feel like I'm going crazy. One day I feel amazing and upbeat and I know I could face anything, but the next day or even sometimes later the same day I'm in a pit so deep it seems endless.
My brother says that the grief cycle is cyclical. To be honest I hate that and I'm over it. I'm a lists kind of gal, so I'm ready to just cross through the word grieve and move on. My counselor tells me she notices I have all or nothing thinking, which at first I didn't see, however, I'm definitely picking up on it now. I don't like it when things continue when I'm ready to be done and it's hard to accept that I may experience multiple, opposite emotions at the same time. Needless to say I have handed myself and my frustrations over to the devil lately more than I care to admit. I was letting my past hang over my head and begging God to take it all away. I was wishing that I could go back and do it over. Be better, walk away sooner, but I know that life doesn't work that way and dwelling in the past doesn't help. The past is permanent, however, the future is still being written, so I know that's where I need to focus my attention. That's one of those things that is a lot easier said than done though.
When I was in college and doing my practicums, I really enjoyed doing read alouds with my students. One of my favorites was If you give a mouse a cookie, and I feel like I've created a version of that in my life, but with the devil. For instance, if you give the devil an inch, he will take a mile. Or if you give the devil a doubt, he will create 1000 more. Or if you give him even the smallest amount of your light, he will engulf it with darkness. This last week leading up to Easter had me feeling like I was drowning. It was crazy because I could feel happy and yet at the same time I felt like all I wanted was to go to my room, curl up on my bed, and cry. I was consumed with feeling like a failure and frustrated that I don't have a plan perfectly lined out for moving forward. Then a few days ago I was gently reminded that it's not my job to control everything. Instead of that being relieving news I beat myself up about it because hadn't I just told God that He could have control? How quickly I took it back without even noticing. That feeling of being a failure flared up again and I know the devil saw his chance to slide in because my head has been in such a negative space.
I started out today mentally not invested if I'm being real with everyone. I'm tired of not being able to meet in the church; to not be able to worship alongside my congregation. Not to mention that this is the first Easter in my entire life where I wasn't at church. I was fully prepared to not enjoy it, but then the streaming of the service started and something shifted in me. There was a moment where words were flashing across the screen saying: "from death to life, from darkness to light, from grey to color, Jesus lives, Christ is risen" and for some reason, in all its simplicity it brought tears to my eyes. It was the smallest reminder that I am not alone. It almost felt like a reset button was hit for me and instead of feeling discouraged, I felt invigorated. Yes, my past is and always will be a part of me, but it does not have to define me. I think what I have to remember is that it's how I use those experiences moving forward to make decisions in order to be the person God has always designed me to be.
Pastor Craig Groeschel from Life.Church said it well: "The devil wants to use shame to pull you away from God. God wants to use your mistakes to draw you near to him. God wants to use your guilt to draw you to His grace." I am so far from perfect, and this last week will definitely not be the last time that I feel sad or off, but I have to bring those feelings of inadequacy to Him and express my pain rather than hide from Him. I don't want to make the same mistakes and maybe one day God will use my story for His glory, but right now I think He just wants me to lean into Him and trust that He will work everything out in His time. It's hard to give over control, but just because I struggle with it doesn't mean that I am not worthy of His love and grace. The devil is really good at blinding us, but on this day when Jesus reigns victorious I feel like it's only fitting to say that devil you don't win today. You don't have any strongholds over me because my God calls me worthy and says that He can work all things (including the things I wish I could get a redo on) for His good. I am a daughter of the King of Kings and I am unconditionally loved.
Towards the end of today's service Pastor John began talking about how God has prepared for us a place in Heaven. For the first time in a long time I felt like I could honestly say that I know for sure where I'm going. I'm not scared of dying, albeit I'm not necessarily wanting to go anytime soon, but I just mean that I know without a doubt when I do I will get to spend eternity praising His name. Not to mention that's what I want out of this life- I want to love people and exude Christ through every fiber of my being because that is the purpose of us being here. It's been a minute since I have been able to confidently say any of that and truly mean it. I may have wandered, but time and time again God has consistently been there to steer me back to Him. This world, this life, it's hard, but God has overcome it and He's right there to help us make it through too. I am clinging to the fact that all I have been through will not be a waste. God will redeem me, but I have to be willing to hand it all over to Him.
So yeah this Easter looked a lot different, but God wasn't any different and we still got to celebrate Jesus rising from the dead; just from the comfort of our own homes this year. I for one am incredibly grateful that in the midst of these crazy times our God remains a constant light in the darkness. And He's more than willing to help you through to the other side if you'd only let Him. I may struggle with all or nothing thinking, but thankfully God is not an all or nothing kind of God when it comes to our mistakes. He desperately wants a relationship with us, but we have to be willing to make the changes and do the work that is required of us. We are bound to mess up, but that doesn't mean we have to start over. God is ready to walk with you exactly where you are in order to help you become the person you were destined to be. I'm no expert, but if you need someone to talk to or pray with I would be more than happy to do that with you. Send me an e-mail, a text, whatever, but don't waste another minute running from Him because I can tell you from experience it isn't worth it. Not one iota.
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