After reading these books, I experienced peace about what would happen when I die. I was no longer afraid of dying and going to Heaven because there all my troubles and my pain would truly float away. I would finally be in the presence of my Father, my Abba, my Papa. I can't not be excited about that prospect!
My whole life has been focused around my desire to be a mom and to get married, so much so that it became more important than God. My plans began to direct my life, and I wanted what I wanted for myself more than I wanted God's plans for my life. That was the first of many wrong mistakes that I have made in the past 2 and a half years. I tried to create my perfect reality when in truth I was only creating a fantasy world where I thought everyone and everything was great, but I was really unhappy, and I could not even admit it to myself. I did not want to be wrong, and I did not want to have failed in what I thought was the perfect life I had made for myself. It's silly to think about, but I remember thinking to myself, "It's ok God I got this one." I know that He must have been so frustrated with me because those are not remotely at all the words He wants to hear from us. But I was so determined to guarantee myself the life I always wanted that I basically did everything I could to only rely on myself. Stupidest mistake of my entire life, and yet I still continue to make that same mistake to some degree today. Who am I, to even think that my plans for my life could compare to God's plan for my life? It's flat out crazy is what it is!
I am a major people pleaser, and so the thought of failing God was miserable to me. And of course the devil chose that time to step in and bring me down even more. I kept saying that I was letting go of the life I had planned for myself, only to take it back just a few days later. Over and over again I would pray for God to forgive me and for Him to take the reigns, and again I would take it back. I was so frustrated with myself, and I just beat myself up more and more each time that I failed at letting God have control. It was exactly what the devil wanted me to do. He wanted me to feel worthless and useless because from that he could feed me more lies to believe. Like that I would never be good enough, I was undesirable, unforgivable, and unchangeable. Every time I failed he would bring me farther and farther down into a pit of despair where each time I felt like I would never be able to get out of. Yet every time I cried out in frustration and anger at myself and the devil, there was a light that was reaching down to pull me out of my self pity. All I had to do was reach up and allow it to overcome me. It didn't matter how many times I screwed up because God was always there willing to take me back. The truth of the matter is though, that I am tired of failing and making mistakes. I am tired of disappointing God, and I am tired of trying to be this person that I think everyone else wants me to be. And I know that God is probably getting tired of my charade as well. I am not perfect, but that does not give me the right or the excuse to not try to strive and be more like Jesus. God does not want us to wait until we have fixed ourselves to give ourselves to Him. He wants to be the one right beside us, guiding and directing us on the plan that He has for our lives. I do not know why I cannot seem to let go. I do not know why I cling so tightly to my plans when I know without a doubt that if I stop trying to construct the perfect life and let God show me His way that I will be so much more happier. I do not want to use the same saying of well I am only human because by now that just feels old. It's time to take responsibility for my actions and start to make a change. I saw this skit about 3 or 4 years ago and I cannot even begin to describe the impact it made on me. To this day I cannot watch it without at least tearing up. It is powerful and moving and right now I feel like I am in this place where I am trying to fight back and Jesus is reaching out for me. If I take one step closer, then I take two steps back. It's an ongoing battle that the devil does not want to lose, so he will do everything in his power to win it. The thought of giving up as crossed my mind because sometimes fighting is tiring and it does not feel worth it, but I know that once His hand touches mine and holds on there is a feeling like no other. A feeling of being safe and a feeling of being home that you can only experience through Christ. I have had the privilege of feeling that way before and I want so desperately to be back at that place. I encourage you to take a look at this video, and I pray that it might make you see that it is worth it.
I have no idea when Jesus will come back. I mean it says clearly in His word that you will not the day nor the hour. It really cannot be any clearer than that. Now earlier when I said that I am no longer scared of dying because Heaven is going to be so great, I didn't mean that I wanted to go right now. There are still things that I want to see and experience. What I meant by that is that I felt the most trust in that moment with Jesus because I realized that whenever my time does come that my desire will be to truly be with Him and Him alone. I still want to be a mom. I still want to get married. I still want to graduate college. Now I don't want to do those in that order, but you get what I am saying! Jesus knows the desires of our heart, and because I know that I am not afraid or at least I was in that moment. I have faltered since this summer because God has placed some obstacles in my path in the last half year because He has something greater for me planned. I didn't want to believe that, but I know the only way to be made stronger is to go through trials and tribulations. The only way to truly be prepared for the life laid out for me that leads me to Heaven, is to go through the hills and valleys that God has so perfectly orchestrated into my life. God promises in Corinthians that He will never give us more than we can handle. In another passage, He also promises that He will never leave us nor forsake us. That's some promise to me! I want to stop being scared of being alone because the truth of the matter is, I will NEVER be alone. God is always right by my side even if He seems silent. I am stronger than I think I am, but only because God is shaping me into the person He wants me to be. He knows when we are ready and normally it is never when we think we are. I mean let's be honest here, He is a heck of a lot smarter than us. I am tired of trying to not be me. In college, everyone is trying to figure out who they are and who they want to be, but I feel like (especially me) we try on personalities and qualities like clothes, and I am not for sure if that's the right way to go about it. I have been less of a person than I want to be normally. It's time to step up and become the Woman of God that He wants me to become. It's time to make a change even if it is just making a small step in the right direction. Doing something is better than doing nothing. Before I go I have on more thing to share with you. I know this is a lot to read and comprehend, but this is my favorite part.
This is a picture of Jesus entitled, Prince of Peace. Just looking at it gives me the chills, and His face always captivates me especially His eyes. It's hard to look away because I feel all sorts of emotions race through me just by one look. In the book, Heaven is for Real, it talks about how the boy sees Jesus and as he grows up his parents always show him pictures of Jesus and there is always something wrong with them. The boy says one's nose is not right, or it's his hair, or skin. However, when the boy saw this picture of Jesus he could find nothing wrong. He said that it was Jesus. Ever since reading that I have spent lots of time staring at this picture because it blows my mind that I could be looking at the face of God. Obviously, when I truly do see Him it will be infinitely better than this picture, but still even something so closely similar is truly amazing. A nine year old girl drew this painting of Christ which just reminds me of the verses where Jesus shares that we should be more like the children of the kingdom. I have no idea what my future holds anymore, and I know that I have said that a few times before, but there is a feeling of calmness that spreads through me when I look upon this picture. Seeing Jesus's face reminds me to breathe and remember, You are not alone. I am tired of running and being scared because I have no reason to be when I have a Father is waiting for me with open arms. I want to run unashamedly into those arms and fall to His feet. I want to be made whole again. Til next time.
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