Desperation

Have you ever felt so comfortable that you feel restless? Like you are happy where you are at, but you know that you could be doing and experiencing more than you are right now. That is the exact place that I am in. Right now in this moment. I am too comfortable in my life, and I am losing sight of the things God has planned for me. I know this because anything that I am accomplishing I am doing out of selfish ambition, and I do not want to become a shell of a person who only does things for my own gain. That leads to a life of loneliness, and I know that God has so much more for me than that. 

My blog is called Plan B because this time I am working on letting God write my life story. I am done being the author and controller of my life because it kept me running in circles accomplishing nothing. This is take 2 of my life, even though I am only 18. I am still young, and I need to remember that. I worry too much about my future and what will happen, when God would rather me just take a deep breath and trust that He knows what He is doing. The bible clearly states in Luke 9:25 "What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit his very self?"For the past 18 years of life, I have been trying to gain the world's approval. I am the biggest people pleaser, and I get that from my father. I love my dad very much, and he is a wonderful Godly man whom I look up to, but our downfall is that we want people to like us, and we tend to go to any length to make that happen. I am tired of losing myself to the world though. I am tired of trying to be everything everyone else wants me to be. Who wants to live a life where you never feel good enough and you are always striving to be in a place that you will never reach because it is impossible to be perfect because only God is perfect. I am not saying that we should not strive for perfection. I am not giving myself an excuse to be lazy and unmotivated, but I am saying that I am going to make mistakes, but what will make the difference is if I actually learn from them and avoid making that same mistake again. However, many times I find myself to be lazy in this aspect of my life, and I make excuses for myself, and I take the easy way out. I die to the world, and I continue to try and please the people and the things that will never satisfy me. Those are the moments that I kick myself for later because I can just picture God watching over me, waving His hands trying to get my attention because He is the only one who can satisfy me. It is literally like I have blinders on my eyes though because half the time I just hold my hand up to him and say "Cool it, God. I got this one!" How many times must I make the mistake of telling God I have things under control before I learn my lesson? It's pathetic really. Now, I am not trying to beat myself because that is not what God wants me to do, but I want so badly to realize that God has something better in mind for me, if I would only choose to listen to Him. I gain nothing from trying to gain the world and everything in it. Yet, I am like a dog trying to catch his tail, running in circles not giving up until I find that peace or my sense of self worth. But deep down I know that I will not experience that until I die to myself. Until I let go of everything. Until I stop caring what people think or what people are saying about me. This is the place where I am at right now. I am desperate for God and for a relationship with Him. 

I am still working on reading, Soul Print, which once again I recommend that book to anyone times about a million because it is so fantastic. But I just finished this chapter entitled, Alter Ego. As a side note, while reading this book God has proved Himself true so many times because I always read the right chapter right when I need to hear it at the point in my life where it will mean the most. He is pretty amazing like that :) Anyways, this chapter is all about being able to lose yourself for Christ, being able to embrace those awkward moments, and being able to be embarrassed and just laugh it off. Now I am an outgoing person, but only with people I know, and when I am around people I do not know I definitely do not want to look like an idiot and embarrass myself. But that's the thing, it does not matter what other people think, as long as you are doing things that glorify Christ, then you are good to go. He asks so little of us in comparison to what He gave up for us. I mean He gave up His one and ONLY son, just so that our sins would be washed away. I mean think about it, God had one son: Jesus. Then there was us: Mankind. And let's face it we screwed up pretty badly, and I don't even have enough fingers or toes to count the amount of times we have turned our back to God, but He chose to sacrifice His son to save us. I mean that's pretty incredible. How many of you (if you don't have kids just imagine it) would let your only child die to save humanity? Good thing Christ does not ask us to do that, but He does ask us to just follow Him. It's so simple, yet we make it so hard because we are selfish. I will be the first to admit that I am selfish. Sometimes I put my needs before others, and sometimes I am rude, but the cool thing is that if we ask for forgiveness because Jesus died for our sins God will wash away our mistakes and make us clean. We just have to allow Him to do that. God is desperate for a relationship with us. That is the reason for why He created us! I am no perfect christian, and I am still learning what it means to truly pick up my cross and follow Him. But I crave to know God more, know who He is, and what He wants to do in my life because I know that He will do more than we could ever ask or imagine because He Is God. 

There is a part in the bible where it talks about David being anointed as king, he has just beat the Philistines, he is bringing the ark of the covenant back into the city, and he does something completely crazy. He undresses, in front of everyone, straight down until he is just wearing a loin cloth. And not only does he strip down, but then he begins to dance in front of everyone. This actions shows pure joy, which you think people might notice, but instead people are awkward, and they have no idea what to think about their new king dancing in the street practically naked. I mean think about how you would feel if you were there watching King David dance without a care. People were caught off guard, and even his wife was embarrassed of him. But David didn't care, he just wanted to show his gratefulness to God. He wanted to celebrate God even if that meant bringing a little embarrassment to himself. He wanted to make sure that God got the praise and glory that He deserved. Sometimes this is what we must do. We must "disrobe" even when it makes us feel uncomfortable and bring the praise to God that He alone deserves. That is what I am learning to do in this new season of my life. I am learning to embrace the awkward moments, and I know that the more I learn to do this the more I will come to enjoy those moments and take relish in them. I cannot wait for the day when I completely do not care, and I only want to please God. When we choose to glorify God and lift Him up instead of ourselves, our reward is greater than anything we could hope for. God wants to bless us, but first we must give ourselves over to Him. To me that sounds scary at times because I like to be in control, but I am desperate to experience a relationship and a love with Him like never before. There is a God shaped hole in my heart that only He can fill, and I am tired of trying to find other things to complete it. I have not perfected any of these things, and honestly I believe that it is a life long process, but God recognizes when we are truly trying to live life His way. God wants to speak to us and love us and care for us. He did not create us to just leave us here on Earth and forget about us. God says, "Never will I leave you, Never will I forsake you." If you ask me that is quite the promise there, and I want to take Him up on it. Everyday is a possibility to take and discover something new about Him, and that excites me. I want to be a light for His kingdom, and I know that instead of always trying to guard myself from harm and embarrassment, I must "strip down and dance" no matter who is watching. All that matters is that God sees it, and sees my honest heart and my desire to please Him. It is not always easy, but the reward in the end is beyond worth it. Til Next Time.