Enough.

My whole life I have struggled with the constant need to be liked. I am a people pleaser through and through and it kills me when I think I have upset someone or if I think someone isn't a fan of me. I feel like I have to be the one to fix it; to prove that I'm likable or that I fit in. Many times I was trying to fix problems that weren't even my fault, but I would apologize anyway. It was always terrifying to me to be on the outside, always feeling like I was involved, but never really chosen. I believed that I had to fit the mold or reach a certain standard and I would do almost anything to achieve that. I pushed aside people, things, morals, whatever it took to feel like I belonged. Most of the time it would last only a moment, and then I would find myself doing it all again for something or someone else. I was so unsatisfied with myself that I kept searching for the next thing that was going to make me feel better even if only temporary. Inevitably, the things that I thought I wanted were the same things that drained me and left me feeling empty. 

Social media makes it really easy to lie and give off the image that everything is perfect and wonderful. I didn't want to be viewed as someone who was broken or didn't have it together, so if I posted the right picture with the right caption and I received tons of likes from it, then it made me feel better and I could continue living like everything was fine. The thing is I was far from fine. I got really good at hiding my unhappiness because I would believe the lies that I told myself. I would create stories in my mind to make everything be better or provide explanations for others' actions, so I could justify the situation. I was unhappy for so long that it became my new normal, and honestly, I believed that if I tried harder or did more that it would get better. Usually, me trying harder or doing more didn't even get recognized, which only had me doing those things even more. Or on not so good days I would spiral and overanalyze why my efforts weren't working. For the last 27 years of my life, the question I have repeatedly asked myself is, "Why am I not enough?"

First, it was with family because I knew they had certain expectations and standards. So if I felt like I wasn't achieving that whether it be academics or otherwise I had a hard time feeling like I was letting them down. Then it was with friends. I was involved in so many activities that I had friends in a lot of places but because of that I never truly felt like I was on the inside. Then as I got older I worked a lot to pay for the things that I wanted to buy or experience. It felt like I was always busy when friends wanted to go do things, so it got to a point where they stopped asking me because I almost always had to say no. When I did find acceptance I was too quick to take it without looking at what I was getting myself into. I run off my emotions, which I know is not always a good thing, and I'm working on it, but at the time I would say it fueled way too many of my decisions. Someone came along and made me feel loved and accepted. However, as time went on I wasn't getting treated the way I knew I deserved, but I was invested and I clung to all the good things rather than recognizing all the not so good. Every time something bad happened the first words that would fly out of my mouth were always: "Why am I not enough?" I had this belief that I was responsible for other people's actions like I could fix it if only I worked hard enough. That logic is incredibly silly. I am not responsible for how others react or behave, and I hate that it took me this long to realize that truth.

For far too long I have lived my life for all the wrong things, and I was looking for love and acceptance from people and things that cannot satisfy. I lost myself by trying to be everything when it was not necessarily even being asked of me. I was so desperate to feel like I was enough with others that I didn't stop to consider that I am, on my own, and the people that deserve to be in my life will see that and know it too. I'm not saying I didn't have people who thought that about me, but I was so far gone in my own head and actions that I didn't believe them. Not to mention that the one person I so desperately wanted it from wasn't making me feel that way. I was so far down a rabbit hole that I was blinded from so many truths and partially unwilling to acknowledge them because I felt like I wasn't enough and I wouldn't ever be because of choices I had made.

And then my life blew up. My whole world turned upside down, and I finally realized it isn't me. I am enough. I didn't ask the question I had always asked because it was like I was finally seeing for the first time that truly as I am- I am enough. As cheesy as it sounds, that realization was incredibly freeing. I didn't cause others' actions and anything I did or could have done wouldn't have stopped them from making their own decisions. It didn't take away the hurt, but it finally allowed me to see that I deserve so much more. I have value and worth, and I'm tired of allowing others to take that away from me.

One thing my counselor told me to work on is being able to recognize my feelings and then compare them to reality. If the situation lends for me to apologize then do so, but if not, then take a step back and logically think through the situation and my emotions without letting them dictate my reaction. It seems so easy, and yet it tends to be more difficult than you think. I have to recognize that it is not my job to fix things. I can take ownership of my own actions and I can be hurt by others' actions, but I cannot change them to make myself feel better. I have to learn to accept people as they are and then learn to decide if I am going to allow them into my life or not. I have to learn when it is appropriate to walk away versus the people who are worth my time to stick it out with. This concept is even harder than the first. I don't like giving up, and I don't like feeling like I have failed at something or for someone. However, sometimes failure allows for the chance to do something again and do it better. Failure doesn't always have to be negative. It could easily be God's way of steering you in another direction. Part of learning and understanding that was by changing up my daily routines. One of the changes I have made in my life is to start the day off with Jesus whether it be through reading his word, devotional, prayer, listening to worship music, journaling, or all of the above. This time spent with Him sets me on the right track for my day and opens the line of communication to Him for the rest of the day as well. Through this, I quickly realized how faithful and attentive God is, and honestly the more He worked on my heart, the easier it was to have a better response when moments of insecurity popped up.

 At the beginning of the 2020 year, my pastor in Kansas shared a message about your one word for the year, and I instantly knew what my word would be: enough. I prayed over this and it continued to come up in my readings or things I would see. It was wild how God perfectly wove this word into my daily life and constantly reminded me of the truths behind it for Him and myself. From this word I believe that there are three things God wanted me to cling to and learn.

1) God is enough. No matter what trials I face or joys I experience, at the end of the day, God is all I need. My life may look different than I had originally hoped, but the purpose of my life isn't for me. My life is meant to be lived for Him, and that is enough for me.

2) I am enough. No one else gets to determine my value or dictate what I am worth. God created me in His perfect image, which means I have so much to offer. I have been blessed with many amazing things from Him, and it's past time I realize who I am and to whom I belong.

3) Enough is enough. Webster's Dictionary defines this phrase as: "to say that one wants something to stop because one can no longer accept or deal with it." Saying no or walking away or standing up for yourself is absolutely necessary and okay. You are never stuck and the future is unwritten. You don't have to settle or sell yourself short for someone else.

Something I have wanted for many, many years is a tattoo, and I chose to finally get one. I know many people won't agree with my decision, but I'm not living my life for others anymore. I have one life, so I'm done trying to fit someone else's expectations when the first person I need to be looking to is God. I am choosing to live my life for Him and only Him, and I prayed for months about this decision. I wanted to have a daily, physical reminder of who I am in Christ, so I chose my word. I chose this "scar," unlike the other "scars" I have in my life. And I choose to wear it proudly because it is a constant reminder of who God is and who I am in Him. I added the period at the end to emphasize there's no arguing it. God is enough. Period. I am enough. Period. Enough is enough. Period.

My good friend, Ciarra, took pictures of myself and my tattoo a few weeks ago, and when she shared the pictures with me I was overwhelmed and  I almost cried. I loved every single one. There wasn't a single picture that she sent me that I wanted to complain about. I am notorious for finding and pointing out little flaws in my pictures like my double chin, wobbly arms, crinkly eyes, etc. However, this time as I scrolled through each one I genuinely felt beautiful and I kept thinking to myself, I am enough. She perfectly captured my joy and my surrender to God and everything He has in store for me. I have looked over them several times and each time they just make me happier, and I am incredibly thankful to her for capturing these moments. I have shared a few of my favorites at the bottom of this post. 

I really want to get better at memorizing God's word and learning His truths that He has for us. In doing this one of my favorite scriptures that God laid on my heart to go along with my word and what it means to me is:

 

 "And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:38-39)

I love these verses because they are a fantastic reminder of God's immense grace and deep love for His children. I have been far from perfect, but He was always there waiting for me. My past is not my future, but I can use it to shape who I want to become. I may have many regrets, but instead of looking at them as baggage I am learning to see them as lessons, so I don't make the same mistakes again. And one day I pray that God will use my story to help someone else realize they are enough. 

                        

                 

                 

This is NOT the End

I am divorced.

I'm sure that many of you have been wondering or have assumed something is going on based on social media or things you have heard through the grapevine. I have always said for my entire life that divorce would not ever be an option. In fact, I said that word wasn't even going to be allowed into my marriage... until it was. I know I don't owe anyone an explanation and honestly, it isn't anyone's business. I just want it to be known that I would never have chosen my life to look like this unless it was the only thing for me to do. He was unfaithful and it wasn't the first time. The details don't matter here in this space, but I finally reached my breaking point. I realized that enough is enough. I deserve so much better and in the end, loving him harder or trying to give him what I thought he wanted didn't change his behaviors. 

I don't want it to sound like I was perfect because I know I wasn't. I turned a blind eye to lots of things and I made too many decisions based on past experiences and hope instead of facts. I chose to love and look the other way too many times and I continued to not put God first in my life. I kept telling myself I would get there; that we would get there together, but it continued to not happen. I still held out hope the marriage could work because of how much I loved him. I thought love was a choice I could make for both of us, and I just couldn't bear the thought of losing him and what we had created. We had been through so much together. I just kept telling myself that it would get better...how could it not work out when I loved him so much? I had to accept that a relationship is a two-way street, and my love for him could not replace his lack of commitment to our marriage. 

I've learned through this that sometimes we lie to ourselves to get what we want. Big things, little things, anything that allows us to keep our comfortable lives. I knew for a long time, but I didn't want to see it or accept it. I wanted what I wanted and in doing so, I lost myself and who I was. I saw marriage as my end goal and when I said yes to marry him it seemed like a dream come true. It didn't matter that I knew things weren't as they should be and that I deserved better. I tried so hard to make our new home beautiful, but when it's covered with lies the beauty can only be skin deep. I wish with every fiber of my being that I would have talked to someone, but I chose to keep things to myself for many reasons. And it wasn't the first time that I withheld information from friends and family either. I had this belief that I didn't need their opinions. Really deep down I knew what they would say and I was scared of losing it all and feeling like my love was wasted. A beautiful wedding, romantic honeymoon, and a new home doesn't mean anything if it's not with the right person. I know that now. 

I think back on the last six years and I wonder why I wasn't honest with people, but I just believed so deeply in him and who he could be. I would give anything to rewind and shake myself to see what everyone else around me already saw, but that saying of "love is blind" is seriously one of the truest statements out there. The love I had and gave in my relationship and marriage was 100% true, and I have never felt pain quite like this before. Not to mention quarantine hit right after everything with him was finalized, so I have had more than enough time to think way too much about everything. There are days where I feel like I'm drowning and I'm doing well to just keep my head above water figuratively speaking. Then there are days where I feel like I'm finally the best version of myself and I'm excited about what the future holds. Inevitably, a good day is followed by a really bad one. However, there are starting to be more good days than bad. I'm trying to see the silver lining and focus my attention on moving forward because there's nothing left for me from the past.

I think the thing that has blown me away the most is the amount of support I have received over these last few months. I always knew that I was loved, but I can finally say that I believe that statement to be true. Not a single person has said "I told you so"; in fact, I feel like many have gone out of their way to make sure that I know how much God loves me and how much they do as well. To be honest it can be overwhelming; however, I am so incredibly grateful for every kind word. I was fully prepared for an onslaught of "I tried to tell you" or "Why didn't you tell me sooner?" or "What were you thinking?" And instead, people reached out with "I'm so sorry. What do you need?" or "I'm praying for you and please know I love you." I firmly believe that this whole situation would have been a lot worse without those people. So thank you for all of you that have reached out to check on me. I appreciate you all more than I know how to express. 

I've written before about my struggle with realizing that grief is cyclical and that I'm allowed to feel more than one feeling at a time. It's hard because I just want to be able to move past all of this. I would love it if there was a button I could press that would help me fast forward the process; however, I know that I wouldn't learn anything that way and it wouldn't be beneficial. I refuse to let this mess be for nothing. I know and believe that God can and will use my story, at some point, to bring glory to Him. For far too long I ran hard and fast in the other direction; only giving Him my leftovers, if that even. And I'm done with that nonsense. My life is not my own and I refuse to continue living without God being at the forefront; guiding me to be the person He has always wanted me to become. Me being divorced doesn’t define me or who I am. 

Brene Brown defines shame as "the experience or fear of believing we’re not worthy of connection." These last six months I have felt so much shame but it is something I have placed on myself because of feeling embarrassed that this is my life. That fear is fueled by the devil and the lies that he wants me to believe. I made choices that brought me to this point, but it’s so important to remember who God is and what He is capable of. My sister bought me a book for my birthday for us to read together; it's called Stop Calling Me Beautiful, and I was not expecting to love it as much as I have. One of the chapters talks about shame and the author says: "My sin-my shame- was completely eradicated in Christ. This was the basis for my confidence. When we allow our brokenness and shame to loom larger than Christ’s sacrifice, we’re submitting to an ungodly authority. The last is not our god. Jesus, who resurrected from the dead to overcome sin and the grave-He is our God! Only when we keep this perspective do we view ourselves in the correct light...the light of freedom." There isn’t a restart button with God. He just says keep going, I’ve got you. And to be honest that’s so refreshing because I don’t have to move backward or begin again nor does He want that for me. Jesus meets me right where I am, exactly as I am. All I have to do is lean in and trust Him. People’s opinions of me don’t matter as long as my heart and my mind are right with God. Galatians 1:10 says, "Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ." I’m choosing to no longer be bound by my fears and insecurities because I’m choosing to put my life in His hands. God’s approval is the only one that I need to be seeking, and it's the only one that truly matters. 

I didn't write this post for pity or to be told that I'm strong, but rather for someone to read it and feel like someone else gets it. People don't really talk about divorce especially for people who are young and at the beginning of a marriage. There's this feeling of failure because it didn't work, and you just feel so alone, afraid of judgment or people's comments. But I am here to say that you're not alone and I see you. Like my brother and sister both have said to me many times- you aren't the first person to go through this and you won't be the last. At first, I hated that because I felt like it diminished my experience and what I was feeling, however the longer it's been the more I realize their point wasn't that at all. It was that I'm not alone. I don't have to isolate myself in my experiences because there are others who have been through this before that may have amazing advice or just be willing to listen and empathize with me. To that same degree, there will be others, unfortunately, that will experience this after me. My prayer is that I will have allowed God to help me work through my hurt and pain, so He can use me in their lives. This sucks on every level and there are many days where I hate that this is my story. However, I'm slowly getting to a point where I can see God's hand on my life, and I cannot wait to see how He uses my mistakes for His glory. He is the ultimate redeemer and my trust is completely in Him. God is good and continues to bless me 1000x over even when I don't deserve it. 

This is not the end for me; it's only the beginning.  

Year 27

Dear me,

This year's birthday looks a little different, well actually, a lot different. You're not in the place that you thought you would be for an assortment of reasons, and you're stuck in quarantine because of this crazy pandemic. However, not all is lost. You are still you. No one and nothing can take that away.

This year I pray that you give yourself grace from past mistakes. I pray that you lean into God and trust what He has in store for you. I pray that you would find joy in the small things and learn to relax and stop rushing around looking for something to always accomplish. This year I pray that you would realize how vastly and deeply loved you are, especially by family and friends.

This year I pray that you realize YOU ARE ENOUGH. You have so much to offer, and just because you're a little jaded and life isn't what you expected doesn't mean that you aren't worthy. God can do a lot with a little, and you've given Him more than a little to work with; just be patient.

This year I pray that you have more confidence than any other year because you are completely free to be exactly who you want to be. I pray you re-discover things you used to love and unearth new things you never knew about yourself. I pray that this year would be a rebirth of sorts, yes I realize how cheesy that sounds, but I mean it. Take time to slow down and appreciate all that is around you even when it's uncomfortable.

This year I pray that you find the relationships that matter most and nurture them. I pray for wisdom that you learn the right people to open up with and for opportunities to share Jesus with everyone that crosses your path. I pray that you would put others before yourself, but also know how to take care of yourself, so you don't get lost in the mix.

This year I pray for a year of growth. You have so much potential, so don't sell yourself short. Step into the person that God has designed you to be and embrace all of you, the good and the not so good. No one is perfect, so don't be so hard on yourself. Grieve what you have lost, but pick yourself up and figure out how to move forward.

This year is a year of change for you, and while it may seem daunting at times, I firmly believe it might turn out to be one of the best years yet. I know you're closer to 30 than 20, which is terrifying, but you're still young and you still have a long road ahead of you. Take your time figuring out what you want and make sure it is rooted in what God wants. You've got one life, so don't waste it chasing after things that don't matter.

Happy birthday,

Me

Darkness into Light

A few weeks ago I wrote my first blog post in a while and I was feeling so positive. The quarantine had barely started, and I was taking steps in the right direction for my life. Fast forward three weeks and I am riding the struggle bus. I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel and outside of this quarantine I have had to deal with a lot in the last five to six months. I'm trying to move forward and I'm trying to not look back because I know there's nothing left for me there, but it is incredibly hard when my once normal is so different now for many reasons. I never dreamed that we would be on lockdown for this long, and I swear I feel like I'm going crazy. One day I feel amazing and upbeat and I know I could face anything, but the next day or even sometimes later the same day I'm in a pit so deep it seems endless.

My brother says that the grief cycle is cyclical. To be honest I hate that and I'm over it. I'm a lists kind of gal, so I'm ready to just cross through the word grieve and move on. My counselor tells me she notices I have all or nothing thinking, which at first I didn't see, however, I'm definitely picking up on it now. I don't like it when things continue when I'm ready to be done and it's hard to accept that I may experience multiple, opposite emotions at the same time. Needless to say I have handed myself and my frustrations over to the devil lately more than I care to admit. I was letting my past hang over my head and begging God to take it all away. I was wishing that I could go back and do it over. Be better, walk away sooner, but I know that life doesn't work that way and dwelling in the past doesn't help. The past is permanent, however, the future is still being written, so I know that's where I need to focus my attention. That's one of those things that is a lot easier said than done though.

When I was in college and doing my practicums, I really enjoyed doing read alouds with my students. One of my favorites was If you give a mouse a cookie, and I feel like I've created a version of that in my life, but with the devil. For instance, if you give the devil an inch, he will take a mile. Or if you give the devil a doubt, he will create 1000 more.  Or if you give him even the smallest amount of your light, he will engulf it with darkness. This last week leading up to Easter had me feeling like I was drowning. It was crazy because I could feel happy and yet at the same time I felt like all I wanted was to go to my room, curl up on my bed, and cry. I was consumed with feeling like a failure and frustrated that I don't have a plan perfectly lined out for moving forward. Then a few days ago I was gently reminded that it's not my job to control everything. Instead of that being relieving news I beat myself up about it because hadn't I just told God that He could have control? How quickly I took it back without even noticing. That feeling of being a failure flared up again and I know the devil saw his chance to slide in because my head has been in such a negative space.

I started out today mentally not invested if I'm being real with everyone. I'm tired of not being able to meet in the church; to not be able to worship alongside my congregation. Not to mention that this is the first Easter in my entire life where I wasn't at church. I was fully prepared to not enjoy it, but then the streaming of the service started and something shifted in me. There was a moment where words were flashing across the screen saying: "from death to life, from darkness to light, from grey to color, Jesus lives, Christ is risen" and for some reason, in all its simplicity it brought tears to my eyes. It was the smallest reminder that I am not alone. It almost felt like a reset button was hit for me and instead of feeling discouraged, I felt invigorated. Yes, my past is and always will be a part of me, but it does not have to define me. I think what I have to remember is that it's how I use those experiences moving forward to make decisions in order to be the person God has always designed me to be.

Pastor Craig Groeschel from Life.Church said it well: "The devil wants to use shame to pull you away from God. God wants to use your mistakes to draw you near to him. God wants to use your guilt to draw you to His grace." I am so far from perfect, and this last week will definitely not be the last time that I feel sad or off, but I have to bring those feelings of inadequacy to Him and express my pain rather than hide from Him. I don't want to make the same mistakes and maybe one day God will use my story for His glory, but right now I think He just wants me to lean into Him and trust that He will work everything out in His time. It's hard to give over control, but just because I struggle with it doesn't mean that I am not worthy of His love and grace. The devil is really good at blinding us, but on this day when Jesus reigns victorious I feel like it's only fitting to say that devil you don't win today. You don't have any strongholds over me because my God calls me worthy and says that He can work all things (including the things I wish I could get a redo on) for His good. I am a daughter of the King of Kings and I am unconditionally loved.

Towards the end of today's service Pastor John began talking about how God has prepared for us a place in Heaven. For the first time in a long time I felt like I could honestly say that I know for sure where I'm going. I'm not scared of dying, albeit I'm not necessarily wanting to go anytime soon, but I just mean that I know without a doubt when I do I will get to spend eternity praising His name. Not to mention that's what I want out of this life- I want to love people and exude Christ through every fiber of my being because that is the purpose of us being here. It's been a minute since I have been able to confidently say any of that and truly mean it. I may have wandered, but time and time again God has consistently been there to steer me back to Him. This world, this life, it's hard, but God has overcome it and He's right there to help us make it through too. I am clinging to the fact that all I have been through will not be a waste. God will redeem me, but I have to be willing to hand it all over to Him. 

So yeah this Easter looked a lot different, but God wasn't any different and we still got to celebrate Jesus rising from the dead; just from the comfort of our own homes this year. I for one am incredibly grateful that in the midst of these crazy times our God remains a constant light in the darkness. And He's more than willing to help you through to the other side if you'd only let Him. I may struggle with all or nothing thinking, but thankfully God is not an all or nothing kind of God when it comes to our mistakes. He desperately wants a relationship with us, but we have to be willing to make the changes and do the work that is required of us. We are bound to mess up, but that doesn't mean we have to start over. God is ready to walk with you exactly where you are in order to help you become the person you were destined to be. I'm no expert, but if you need someone to talk to or pray with I would be more than happy to do that with you. Send me an e-mail, a text, whatever, but don't waste another minute running from Him because I can tell you from experience it isn't worth it. Not one iota.