A few weeks ago I wrote my first blog post in a while and I was feeling so positive. The quarantine had barely started, and I was taking steps in the right direction for my life. Fast forward three weeks and I am riding the struggle bus. I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel and outside of this quarantine I have had to deal with a lot in the last five to six months. I'm trying to move forward and I'm trying to not look back because I know there's nothing left for me there, but it is incredibly hard when my once normal is so different now for many reasons. I never dreamed that we would be on lockdown for this long, and I swear I feel like I'm going crazy. One day I feel amazing and upbeat and I know I could face anything, but the next day or even sometimes later the same day I'm in a pit so deep it seems endless.
My brother says that the grief cycle is cyclical. To be honest I hate that and I'm over it. I'm a lists kind of gal, so I'm ready to just cross through the word grieve and move on. My counselor tells me she notices I have all or nothing thinking, which at first I didn't see, however, I'm definitely picking up on it now. I don't like it when things continue when I'm ready to be done and it's hard to accept that I may experience multiple, opposite emotions at the same time. Needless to say I have handed myself and my frustrations over to the devil lately more than I care to admit. I was letting my past hang over my head and begging God to take it all away. I was wishing that I could go back and do it over. Be better, walk away sooner, but I know that life doesn't work that way and dwelling in the past doesn't help. The past is permanent, however, the future is still being written, so I know that's where I need to focus my attention. That's one of those things that is a lot easier said than done though.
When I was in college and doing my practicums, I really enjoyed doing read alouds with my students. One of my favorites was If you give a mouse a cookie, and I feel like I've created a version of that in my life, but with the devil. For instance, if you give the devil an inch, he will take a mile. Or if you give the devil a doubt, he will create 1000 more. Or if you give him even the smallest amount of your light, he will engulf it with darkness. This last week leading up to Easter had me feeling like I was drowning. It was crazy because I could feel happy and yet at the same time I felt like all I wanted was to go to my room, curl up on my bed, and cry. I was consumed with feeling like a failure and frustrated that I don't have a plan perfectly lined out for moving forward. Then a few days ago I was gently reminded that it's not my job to control everything. Instead of that being relieving news I beat myself up about it because hadn't I just told God that He could have control? How quickly I took it back without even noticing. That feeling of being a failure flared up again and I know the devil saw his chance to slide in because my head has been in such a negative space.
I started out today mentally not invested if I'm being real with everyone. I'm tired of not being able to meet in the church; to not be able to worship alongside my congregation. Not to mention that this is the first Easter in my entire life where I wasn't at church. I was fully prepared to not enjoy it, but then the streaming of the service started and something shifted in me. There was a moment where words were flashing across the screen saying: "from death to life, from darkness to light, from grey to color, Jesus lives, Christ is risen" and for some reason, in all its simplicity it brought tears to my eyes. It was the smallest reminder that I am not alone. It almost felt like a reset button was hit for me and instead of feeling discouraged, I felt invigorated. Yes, my past is and always will be a part of me, but it does not have to define me. I think what I have to remember is that it's how I use those experiences moving forward to make decisions in order to be the person God has always designed me to be.
Pastor Craig Groeschel from Life.Church said it well: "The devil wants to use shame to pull you away from God. God wants to use your mistakes to draw you near to him. God wants to use your guilt to draw you to His grace." I am so far from perfect, and this last week will definitely not be the last time that I feel sad or off, but I have to bring those feelings of inadequacy to Him and express my pain rather than hide from Him. I don't want to make the same mistakes and maybe one day God will use my story for His glory, but right now I think He just wants me to lean into Him and trust that He will work everything out in His time. It's hard to give over control, but just because I struggle with it doesn't mean that I am not worthy of His love and grace. The devil is really good at blinding us, but on this day when Jesus reigns victorious I feel like it's only fitting to say that devil you don't win today. You don't have any strongholds over me because my God calls me worthy and says that He can work all things (including the things I wish I could get a redo on) for His good. I am a daughter of the King of Kings and I am unconditionally loved.
Towards the end of today's service Pastor John began talking about how God has prepared for us a place in Heaven. For the first time in a long time I felt like I could honestly say that I know for sure where I'm going. I'm not scared of dying, albeit I'm not necessarily wanting to go anytime soon, but I just mean that I know without a doubt when I do I will get to spend eternity praising His name. Not to mention that's what I want out of this life- I want to love people and exude Christ through every fiber of my being because that is the purpose of us being here. It's been a minute since I have been able to confidently say any of that and truly mean it. I may have wandered, but time and time again God has consistently been there to steer me back to Him. This world, this life, it's hard, but God has overcome it and He's right there to help us make it through too. I am clinging to the fact that all I have been through will not be a waste. God will redeem me, but I have to be willing to hand it all over to Him.
So yeah this Easter looked a lot different, but God wasn't any different and we still got to celebrate Jesus rising from the dead; just from the comfort of our own homes this year. I for one am incredibly grateful that in the midst of these crazy times our God remains a constant light in the darkness. And He's more than willing to help you through to the other side if you'd only let Him. I may struggle with all or nothing thinking, but thankfully God is not an all or nothing kind of God when it comes to our mistakes. He desperately wants a relationship with us, but we have to be willing to make the changes and do the work that is required of us. We are bound to mess up, but that doesn't mean we have to start over. God is ready to walk with you exactly where you are in order to help you become the person you were destined to be. I'm no expert, but if you need someone to talk to or pray with I would be more than happy to do that with you. Send me an e-mail, a text, whatever, but don't waste another minute running from Him because I can tell you from experience it isn't worth it. Not one iota.
Sunday, April 12, 2020
Sunday, March 22, 2020
Anxious For Nothing
During this season of the unknown, it is incredibly easy to be fearful and anxious about what the future holds. So many things in my life lately have been out of my control and this type A gal has been struggling. It's hard to watch my life unfold and feel like I don't have a say in it. I do have a flair for the dramatic though, so I understand that there are things in my life that I can control. However, when it comes to the big things, not having a plan in place is hard. I feel like my life is on hold and yet it's still moving forward. It's this weird in-between place.
I feel as though anytime I start to come back to a sense of normalcy, then something else is thrown my way to prove that I'm not there. Honestly, there are times where I want to throw a fit and declare how unfair life is, but I was raised knowing that's not an appropriate way to respond to situations. Besides, it would only feel better at that moment; serving as instant gratification but fixing nothing. Even though I am an advocate for venting, I have learned through my many experiences, that it doesn't solve anything. Just a temporary, emotional fix that still leaves the problem at my feet.
One of the latest events that was taken out of my control was the cancelling of school. I was not prepared to not see my students face to face again. I didn't get a chance to tell them goodbye or even let them know that I am not coming back next school year. In my mind, I had a plan on how I would handle the end of the year and the activities I would do with them to create lasting memories. That plan was crushed to bits by the virus that shall not be named. I really struggled that first day they broke the news about school shutting down. (To be honest, I had a breakdown about how unfair life is even though I mentioned earlier how that wasn't the adult thing to do and it didn't fix the problem, thus proving what I previously said.) As much as my students drive me crazy I am going to miss seeing all of them every day. This group is extra special to me because I taught many of them in 5th grade as well. There are so many students that brightened my day and made this year manageable despite all the craziness happening in my personal life. The weird thing is that even though they were often the ones driving me bonkers, they were also the ones that brought me sanity. Teaching is my passion, but the best part of it is building relationships with my students. I know the school year isn't over, but it definitely isn't finishing the way I wanted it to.
I was going to change the wording of that last sentence because it finishes with what I want. Just another reminder that God doesn't always give us exactly what we want. It's not that I think wanting things is wrong, but I think it's easy to lose sight of the big picture when we are focused on what we want and need. God didn't place us on this earth to live selfish lives. In fact, He called us to live the exact opposite. That's hard in times like these where we don't get to make decisions like we normally would. It causes anxiety and frustration and oftentimes fear. Ironically, a month or so ago, my pastor preached a series called "Anxious for Nothing," hence the title of this blog post. I'm not sure if he knew how handy his sermons would become, but I have thought back to them often in the last week as I can feel anxiety creeping in. For the majority of my life, I didn't deal with anxiety, but in the last three to four months that has changed. It sucks. Sometimes it feels like I can't breathe and I'm trapped. Other moments it feels like I'm paralyzed. I hate feeling out of control, but it has also allowed for more opportunities for me to lean into God and trust Him. Sometimes, or most times, that's easier said than done. However, in one of the last sermons from that series, my pastor made this point: our immediate perception = reality = reactive. I feel like there's a lot of people following that chain in our nation's current set of circumstances.
I remember listening to him talk about this chain and thinking how true it has been for so many events in my life. It is so easy to fall into the thought process of "well this is how I feel, so this must be true and there's no way around it." My pastor challenged us to have a chosen perspective from God, rather than immediate perception from our own thoughts and feelings. In those moments, when fear and stress and anxiety are setting in and it feels like your world is becoming dark, that's the devil at work. I don't know about you, but I don't want him to win. He is not going to be the victor in my story. When you feel the darkness creeping in or in some cases like a tidal wave hitting you at once- use it and see it as an opportunity for God to show up. Praise God in those moments. Again, I am going to stress that when you feel like you can't breathe or you feel stuck it's incredibly difficult to want to praise God, but over time it has gotten easier for me, and my anxiety isn't as prevalent. It's 100% there, but the moments are more fleeting and they don't seem as daunting because I have trained myself to turn to Him. Some moments I don't even have to think about it and I just do, but other moments I still have to coax myself. It's a reminder that my immediate perception isn't always reality and I need to challenge it with the chosen perspective before completely spinning out.
One thing that has been really helpful for me is memorizing verses or even pieces of verses that I can repeat to myself when I can feel those walls closing in. I've said them in my head or even out loud sometimes depending on the situation I'm facing. His light will ALWAYS push out darkness, so my only option is to call on His name. I can't tell you how many times I have repeatedly whispered to myself, "Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you" or "Don't worry about anything, instead pray about everything" or "Rejoice in the Lord, always." I firmly believe that in those moments God shows up, and I can personally attest to that too.
I completely understand that my experiences with anxiety and my tactics for dealing with it are not a cure-all. However, one thing I can say without a doubt is that turning to God will only bring about positive results. In times like these, where no one knows what is going to happen or how bad this virus will become I feel like our only option is to reach out to Him because He's the only one that does know what will happen. I find comfort in knowing that. Am I still anxious? A little. Am I fearful? Sometimes, but I know that I serve a God who is infinitely bigger and stronger than anything of this world, so that's what I am clinging to every day. I know that no matter what happens, God always works for the good of those who love Him. I believe that God will use this current chaos to bring people to Him and that amidst this scary time He will make Himself known. I don't have all the answers, but He does and I'm learning to let that be enough for me. My latest verse that I have been trying to memorize to help ease my anxiousness is: "Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things, " Colossians 3:2. This world and all its troubles are temporary. Cling to the truth and trust that God has us all in His hands. Always.
I love music, so to end I would like to share a song that my sister shared with me. It's another one that's been on repeat for me and has been very fitting in all areas of my life. It's just a good reminder that God is working everything for our good.
'Til Next Time.
I feel as though anytime I start to come back to a sense of normalcy, then something else is thrown my way to prove that I'm not there. Honestly, there are times where I want to throw a fit and declare how unfair life is, but I was raised knowing that's not an appropriate way to respond to situations. Besides, it would only feel better at that moment; serving as instant gratification but fixing nothing. Even though I am an advocate for venting, I have learned through my many experiences, that it doesn't solve anything. Just a temporary, emotional fix that still leaves the problem at my feet.
One of the latest events that was taken out of my control was the cancelling of school. I was not prepared to not see my students face to face again. I didn't get a chance to tell them goodbye or even let them know that I am not coming back next school year. In my mind, I had a plan on how I would handle the end of the year and the activities I would do with them to create lasting memories. That plan was crushed to bits by the virus that shall not be named. I really struggled that first day they broke the news about school shutting down. (To be honest, I had a breakdown about how unfair life is even though I mentioned earlier how that wasn't the adult thing to do and it didn't fix the problem, thus proving what I previously said.) As much as my students drive me crazy I am going to miss seeing all of them every day. This group is extra special to me because I taught many of them in 5th grade as well. There are so many students that brightened my day and made this year manageable despite all the craziness happening in my personal life. The weird thing is that even though they were often the ones driving me bonkers, they were also the ones that brought me sanity. Teaching is my passion, but the best part of it is building relationships with my students. I know the school year isn't over, but it definitely isn't finishing the way I wanted it to.
I was going to change the wording of that last sentence because it finishes with what I want. Just another reminder that God doesn't always give us exactly what we want. It's not that I think wanting things is wrong, but I think it's easy to lose sight of the big picture when we are focused on what we want and need. God didn't place us on this earth to live selfish lives. In fact, He called us to live the exact opposite. That's hard in times like these where we don't get to make decisions like we normally would. It causes anxiety and frustration and oftentimes fear. Ironically, a month or so ago, my pastor preached a series called "Anxious for Nothing," hence the title of this blog post. I'm not sure if he knew how handy his sermons would become, but I have thought back to them often in the last week as I can feel anxiety creeping in. For the majority of my life, I didn't deal with anxiety, but in the last three to four months that has changed. It sucks. Sometimes it feels like I can't breathe and I'm trapped. Other moments it feels like I'm paralyzed. I hate feeling out of control, but it has also allowed for more opportunities for me to lean into God and trust Him. Sometimes, or most times, that's easier said than done. However, in one of the last sermons from that series, my pastor made this point: our immediate perception = reality = reactive. I feel like there's a lot of people following that chain in our nation's current set of circumstances.
I remember listening to him talk about this chain and thinking how true it has been for so many events in my life. It is so easy to fall into the thought process of "well this is how I feel, so this must be true and there's no way around it." My pastor challenged us to have a chosen perspective from God, rather than immediate perception from our own thoughts and feelings. In those moments, when fear and stress and anxiety are setting in and it feels like your world is becoming dark, that's the devil at work. I don't know about you, but I don't want him to win. He is not going to be the victor in my story. When you feel the darkness creeping in or in some cases like a tidal wave hitting you at once- use it and see it as an opportunity for God to show up. Praise God in those moments. Again, I am going to stress that when you feel like you can't breathe or you feel stuck it's incredibly difficult to want to praise God, but over time it has gotten easier for me, and my anxiety isn't as prevalent. It's 100% there, but the moments are more fleeting and they don't seem as daunting because I have trained myself to turn to Him. Some moments I don't even have to think about it and I just do, but other moments I still have to coax myself. It's a reminder that my immediate perception isn't always reality and I need to challenge it with the chosen perspective before completely spinning out.
One thing that has been really helpful for me is memorizing verses or even pieces of verses that I can repeat to myself when I can feel those walls closing in. I've said them in my head or even out loud sometimes depending on the situation I'm facing. His light will ALWAYS push out darkness, so my only option is to call on His name. I can't tell you how many times I have repeatedly whispered to myself, "Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you" or "Don't worry about anything, instead pray about everything" or "Rejoice in the Lord, always." I firmly believe that in those moments God shows up, and I can personally attest to that too.
I completely understand that my experiences with anxiety and my tactics for dealing with it are not a cure-all. However, one thing I can say without a doubt is that turning to God will only bring about positive results. In times like these, where no one knows what is going to happen or how bad this virus will become I feel like our only option is to reach out to Him because He's the only one that does know what will happen. I find comfort in knowing that. Am I still anxious? A little. Am I fearful? Sometimes, but I know that I serve a God who is infinitely bigger and stronger than anything of this world, so that's what I am clinging to every day. I know that no matter what happens, God always works for the good of those who love Him. I believe that God will use this current chaos to bring people to Him and that amidst this scary time He will make Himself known. I don't have all the answers, but He does and I'm learning to let that be enough for me. My latest verse that I have been trying to memorize to help ease my anxiousness is: "Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things, " Colossians 3:2. This world and all its troubles are temporary. Cling to the truth and trust that God has us all in His hands. Always.
I love music, so to end I would like to share a song that my sister shared with me. It's another one that's been on repeat for me and has been very fitting in all areas of my life. It's just a good reminder that God is working everything for our good.
'Til Next Time.
Thursday, March 12, 2020
New Beginnings
So, it's been a minute since I last wrote, actually more like six years. I wouldn't even know where to begin to share what has happened in that space of time. I wish I could say that the girl who wrote those last few posts was able to achieve all the things she desired, but unfortunately, I took the road most traveled again. I landed myself in some messes, and I found myself with a lot more scars.
I thought about starting a new blog and allowing myself the metaphorical version of starting fresh, but also there's something full circle in continuing this blog. When I started it in 2012, I had just been broken up with by the guy I thought I would marry. Thus the name: Plan B. Granted I was 18, and clearly clueless on what real love is, and to be honest, I still am pretty clueless of that.
At this point in my life, I'm easily on Plan L or R or let's be real probably Z. I hate that it's almost 10 years later and I have found myself in a similar position. You would think that I would have learned a thing or two by now. I am notorious for making plans and desiring everything to fit in a perfect box exactly the way I want it to, but every time I cling to that way of life it never ends well. I struggle with control and letting go of it. When things spiral I tend to cling more to how I think it should be rather than trusting God. It's been an ongoing issue for, oh you know, all my life. You know that song, Jesus Take the Wheel? I have said that a million times, but I don't think I have ever really meant it or if I thought I did, then I didn't live it.
Recently, I have started reading a lot, and I mean A LOT of self-help books out of desperation and desire to be a better human for God, for myself, for my family, etc. I even started going to counseling, which has been helpful, but the problem is that I'm searching for a fix it all answer. Unfortunately, I don't think that exists in this life. The only true "cure" I know of is Jesus and that becomes a way of living and not just a band-aid that allows you to move past pain and sorrow. It's something I have to choose daily in good things and in bad things. There are some mornings that I wake up and the immense joy I feel is something I want to share with everyone, and I can totally feel God's presence and I just know that it's going to be an amazing day. However, the next day I'll wake up and I'm a complete wreck. My attitude sucks. I'm sad or angry or frustrated and I don't want to see anyone or do anything because I just know that no one will understand and nothing will make it better. It's difficult to understand my pendulum swing of emotions, but I have been told that's normal, so I'm trying to take it one day at a time. The best part of it all is that God, my Jesus, loves me and chooses me through all of it. I have been blinded for far too long by this world to see and experience His goodness and faithfulness. The veil has been lifted, and my eyes are finally clear to be able to grasp just how much love He has for me and bucket loads of patience.
However, it's hard to let yourself be loved again when you feel like you've made too many mistakes and you're just far too gone. And yet, there's God, patiently waiting for you to let Him love you the way we know we don't deserve, but He is more than happy to anyway. In fact, I believe that He does His best work through redemption, but we have to be an active participant for it to work. So I guess that's where I am at right now. I'm trying to be more than just along for the ride and not just relying upon or reaching out to Him when things are tough. I want to learn to acknowledge Him and live a life that exemplifies Him at all times. That is so much easier said than done, but I am here to learn to push on and not give up because He never gives up on us.
In a sense, I am starting over and at first, I was resentful of that fact, but now I see it as an opportunity to really allow God to shape and mold me into the person He has always wanted me to become. There's something really exciting about that fact even if I'm not really pumped about where I'm at in my life right now. I had a friend ask me if I was okay, and my honest response was, "No, but I am so incredibly joyful." It's the weirdest, most wonderful place to be. This isn't how I imagined my life, but I'm tired of putting limits on my God that is capable of unimaginable things.
To end I would like to share a song that has really spoken to me in the midst of everything. I have listened to it on repeat more times than I can count. I first heard it during worship at church, and I've clung to its message ever since that first moment. It's Called Me Higher by All Sons and Daughters. Click on the song title to listen to it yourself. My favorite lyrics from the song are below:
And I could hold on
I thought about starting a new blog and allowing myself the metaphorical version of starting fresh, but also there's something full circle in continuing this blog. When I started it in 2012, I had just been broken up with by the guy I thought I would marry. Thus the name: Plan B. Granted I was 18, and clearly clueless on what real love is, and to be honest, I still am pretty clueless of that.
At this point in my life, I'm easily on Plan L or R or let's be real probably Z. I hate that it's almost 10 years later and I have found myself in a similar position. You would think that I would have learned a thing or two by now. I am notorious for making plans and desiring everything to fit in a perfect box exactly the way I want it to, but every time I cling to that way of life it never ends well. I struggle with control and letting go of it. When things spiral I tend to cling more to how I think it should be rather than trusting God. It's been an ongoing issue for, oh you know, all my life. You know that song, Jesus Take the Wheel? I have said that a million times, but I don't think I have ever really meant it or if I thought I did, then I didn't live it.
Recently, I have started reading a lot, and I mean A LOT of self-help books out of desperation and desire to be a better human for God, for myself, for my family, etc. I even started going to counseling, which has been helpful, but the problem is that I'm searching for a fix it all answer. Unfortunately, I don't think that exists in this life. The only true "cure" I know of is Jesus and that becomes a way of living and not just a band-aid that allows you to move past pain and sorrow. It's something I have to choose daily in good things and in bad things. There are some mornings that I wake up and the immense joy I feel is something I want to share with everyone, and I can totally feel God's presence and I just know that it's going to be an amazing day. However, the next day I'll wake up and I'm a complete wreck. My attitude sucks. I'm sad or angry or frustrated and I don't want to see anyone or do anything because I just know that no one will understand and nothing will make it better. It's difficult to understand my pendulum swing of emotions, but I have been told that's normal, so I'm trying to take it one day at a time. The best part of it all is that God, my Jesus, loves me and chooses me through all of it. I have been blinded for far too long by this world to see and experience His goodness and faithfulness. The veil has been lifted, and my eyes are finally clear to be able to grasp just how much love He has for me and bucket loads of patience.
However, it's hard to let yourself be loved again when you feel like you've made too many mistakes and you're just far too gone. And yet, there's God, patiently waiting for you to let Him love you the way we know we don't deserve, but He is more than happy to anyway. In fact, I believe that He does His best work through redemption, but we have to be an active participant for it to work. So I guess that's where I am at right now. I'm trying to be more than just along for the ride and not just relying upon or reaching out to Him when things are tough. I want to learn to acknowledge Him and live a life that exemplifies Him at all times. That is so much easier said than done, but I am here to learn to push on and not give up because He never gives up on us.
In a sense, I am starting over and at first, I was resentful of that fact, but now I see it as an opportunity to really allow God to shape and mold me into the person He has always wanted me to become. There's something really exciting about that fact even if I'm not really pumped about where I'm at in my life right now. I had a friend ask me if I was okay, and my honest response was, "No, but I am so incredibly joyful." It's the weirdest, most wonderful place to be. This isn't how I imagined my life, but I'm tired of putting limits on my God that is capable of unimaginable things.
To end I would like to share a song that has really spoken to me in the midst of everything. I have listened to it on repeat more times than I can count. I first heard it during worship at church, and I've clung to its message ever since that first moment. It's Called Me Higher by All Sons and Daughters. Click on the song title to listen to it yourself. My favorite lyrics from the song are below:
And I could hold on
I could hold on to who I am and never let You
Change me from the inside
And I could be safe, oh
I could be safe here in Your arms and never leave home
Never let these walls down
Change me from the inside
And I could be safe, oh
I could be safe here in Your arms and never leave home
Never let these walls down
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
7 Wednesday Rambles
1. I have a new job working as a children's assistant at the library, and I absolutely LOVE it. I wish I could work more hours there because I enjoy it that much. It is a blessing to finally be able to look forward to my jobs rather than dread going.
2. This past week I have been incredibly antsy, and I have no idea why. It has been a struggle to stay focused in my classes and to force myself to sit down and do my homework. I just wanna go anywhere and do anything. Spontaneity people, it's a good thing to have every once in awhile.
3. My parents are in Europe right now, and I'm insanely jealous. I would give anything to be over there with them right now, but I'm so excited that they finally get to see what I have been going on and on about since I went there for the first time 5 years ago.
4. Currently, I am avoiding my student teaching presentation because I am so stressed out about it and like I mentioned before I'm having an issue with staying focused. Plus, I just felt this urge to write, so what better way to do just that than through my blog?
5. I am super excited about getting back into the classroom this semester because I will have more opportunities to teach, and that's exciting stuff right there. I actually get to develop a unit this semester and teach for an entire week. It's a big deal people.
6. I believe that I should probably only stick to one cup of coffee a day because after that second one there is no way that I'm going to be able to sit still today. I sealed my fate with that second first sip.
7. I graduate in exactly 102 days 2 hours and 46 minutes. Holy crap. This is getting real. I haven't been this excited since that one time that my nephew was born or that one time that I graduated high school. The end is near friends, and I could not be more ready for it.
Have a wonderful Hump Day lovely readers,
Til next time.
2. This past week I have been incredibly antsy, and I have no idea why. It has been a struggle to stay focused in my classes and to force myself to sit down and do my homework. I just wanna go anywhere and do anything. Spontaneity people, it's a good thing to have every once in awhile.
3. My parents are in Europe right now, and I'm insanely jealous. I would give anything to be over there with them right now, but I'm so excited that they finally get to see what I have been going on and on about since I went there for the first time 5 years ago.
4. Currently, I am avoiding my student teaching presentation because I am so stressed out about it and like I mentioned before I'm having an issue with staying focused. Plus, I just felt this urge to write, so what better way to do just that than through my blog?
5. I am super excited about getting back into the classroom this semester because I will have more opportunities to teach, and that's exciting stuff right there. I actually get to develop a unit this semester and teach for an entire week. It's a big deal people.
6. I believe that I should probably only stick to one cup of coffee a day because after that second one there is no way that I'm going to be able to sit still today. I sealed my fate with that second first sip.
7. I graduate in exactly 102 days 2 hours and 46 minutes. Holy crap. This is getting real. I haven't been this excited since that one time that my nephew was born or that one time that I graduated high school. The end is near friends, and I could not be more ready for it.
Have a wonderful Hump Day lovely readers,
Til next time.
Sunday, January 12, 2014
He Who Promised is Faithful
I can't believe it has taken me this long to get back on the blogging horse, but so much has happened in the past 7 months that I'll just say I was a little distracted. Unfortunately, at the beginning of the summer I chose the path more traveled, and I want to say that I regret it, but it has taught me more than I could have ever thought. Would I have saved myself lots of heartache and guilt by choosing a different path? Oh, without a doubt I would have, but I also have learned so much about myself that even if I was given the opportunity to go back and change things I'm not sure I actually would. Life is a journey that includes twists and turns and ups and downs and these past months have added a few of those to my story, which I hope that one day I can use to help guide someone in the right direction. I have decided that instead of dwelling on my mistakes I would like to turn them into something positive. There is not one single person on this planet that is not struggling with something, and if I can be one person to help another because of the experiences I have had, then I will use them for the greater good.
I say all of this because too often lately I have found myself feeling sorry for myself and wishing I could change the past. That is no way to live a life. I do not wish to live a life that consists of the past. I want to live a life that is in the present and one that looks onto the future. Resentment and guilt cling to the past, and I have had more than enough of that. It's high time that I stand up, brush myself off, and open my eyes to what the future holds. If I continue to live in the past I will live a sad, pathetic life, and that terrifies me more than the chance that I may make more mistakes, which knowing me and that I'm human I'm bound to screw up a few more times before I leave this earth. Life isn't easy, but it doesn't have to be lived in misery.
This morning I didn't go to church (gasp), but instead I chose to spend a few moments writing in my journal and looking over some verses about guilt. I have been experiencing some of that lately, so I decided to look up some verses about it to see what God had to say about it. Instead of feeling like the continual screw up that I sometimes feel like His words left me with a feeling of hope and a sense of renewal. Now this isn't one of those new year, new me mantras, but I do think that with the new year some changes need to be made. It's not going to be easy and there are probably going to be days where I make the same mistakes again, but the thing I have got to realize is that God is not going to give up on me even when I want to give up on myself. Even when all my hope is gone, God still has enough hope for the both of us. I think that is why this last verse stuck out so much to me:
"let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful."
Hebrews 10:22-23
I'm going to choose to hold onto that hope because I know despite everything that the God I serve is faithful and true. He is patient with me, even when I'm acting like a child, and someone like that is someone that more than deserves my time and my heart. I'm not perfect. I will never claim to be, but I want to strive for more than I have been lately. God deserves that and so much more from me.
Til Next Time.
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