Anxious For Nothing

During this season of the unknown, it is incredibly easy to be fearful and anxious about what the future holds. So many things in my life lately have been out of my control and this type A gal has been struggling. It's hard to watch my life unfold and feel like I don't have a say in it. I do have a flair for the dramatic though, so I understand that there are things in my life that I can control. However, when it comes to the big things, not having a plan in place is hard. I feel like my life is on hold and yet it's still moving forward. It's this weird in-between place.

I feel as though anytime I start to come back to a sense of normalcy, then something else is thrown my way to prove that I'm not there. Honestly, there are times where I want to throw a fit and declare how unfair life is, but I was raised knowing that's not an appropriate way to respond to situations. Besides, it would only feel better at that moment; serving as instant gratification but fixing nothing. Even though I am an advocate for venting, I have learned through my many experiences, that it doesn't solve anything. Just a temporary, emotional fix that still leaves the problem at my feet.

One of the latest events that was taken out of my control was the cancelling of school. I was not prepared to not see my students face to face again. I didn't get a chance to tell them goodbye or even let them know that I am not coming back next school year. In my mind, I had a plan on how I would handle the end of the year and the activities I would do with them to create lasting memories. That plan was crushed to bits by the virus that shall not be named. I really struggled that first day they broke the news about school shutting down. (To be honest, I had a breakdown about how unfair life is even though I mentioned earlier how that wasn't the adult thing to do and it didn't fix the problem, thus proving what I previously said.) As much as my students drive me crazy I am going to miss seeing all of them every day. This group is extra special to me because I taught many of them in 5th grade as well. There are so many students that brightened my day and made this year manageable despite all the craziness happening in my personal life. The weird thing is that even though they were often the ones driving me bonkers, they were also the ones that brought me sanity. Teaching is my passion, but the best part of it is building relationships with my students. I know the school year isn't over, but it definitely isn't finishing the way I wanted it to.

I was going to change the wording of that last sentence because it finishes with what I want. Just another reminder that God doesn't always give us exactly what we want. It's not that I think wanting things is wrong, but I think it's easy to lose sight of the big picture when we are focused on what we want and need. God didn't place us on this earth to live selfish lives. In fact, He called us to live the exact opposite. That's hard in times like these where we don't get to make decisions like we normally would. It causes anxiety and frustration and oftentimes fear. Ironically, a month or so ago, my pastor preached a series called "Anxious for Nothing," hence the title of this blog post. I'm not sure if he knew how handy his sermons would become, but I have thought back to them often in the last week as I can feel anxiety creeping in. For the majority of my life, I didn't deal with anxiety, but in the last three to four months that has changed. It sucks. Sometimes it feels like I can't breathe and I'm trapped. Other moments it feels like I'm paralyzed. I hate feeling out of control, but it has also allowed for more opportunities for me to lean into God and trust Him. Sometimes, or most times, that's easier said than done. However, in one of the last sermons from that series, my pastor made this point: our immediate perception = reality = reactive. I feel like there's a lot of people following that chain in our nation's current set of circumstances.

I remember listening to him talk about this chain and thinking how true it has been for so many events in my life. It is so easy to fall into the thought process of "well this is how I feel, so this must be true and there's no way around it." My pastor challenged us to have a chosen perspective from God, rather than immediate perception from our own thoughts and feelings. In those moments, when fear and stress and anxiety are setting in and it feels like your world is becoming dark, that's the devil at work. I don't know about you, but I don't want him to win. He is not going to be the victor in my story. When you feel the darkness creeping in or in some cases like a tidal wave hitting you at once- use it and see it as an opportunity for God to show up. Praise God in those moments. Again, I am going to stress that when you feel like you can't breathe or you feel stuck it's incredibly difficult to want to praise God, but over time it has gotten easier for me, and my anxiety isn't as prevalent. It's 100% there, but the moments are more fleeting and they don't seem as daunting because I have trained myself to turn to Him. Some moments I don't even have to think about it and I just do, but other moments I still have to coax myself. It's a reminder that my immediate perception isn't always reality and I need to challenge it with the chosen perspective before completely spinning out.

 One thing that has been really helpful for me is memorizing verses or even pieces of verses that I can repeat to myself when I can feel those walls closing in. I've said them in my head or even out loud sometimes depending on the situation I'm facing. His light will ALWAYS push out darkness, so my only option is to call on His name. I can't tell you how many times I have repeatedly whispered to myself, "Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you" or "Don't worry about anything, instead pray about everything" or "Rejoice in the Lord, always." I firmly believe that in those moments God shows up, and I can personally attest to that too.

I completely understand that my experiences with anxiety and my tactics for dealing with it are not a cure-all. However, one thing I can say without a doubt is that turning to God will only bring about positive results. In times like these, where no one knows what is going to happen or how bad this virus will become I feel like our only option is to reach out to Him because He's the only one that does know what will happen. I find comfort in knowing that. Am I still anxious? A little. Am I fearful? Sometimes, but I know that I serve a God who is infinitely bigger and stronger than anything of this world, so that's what I am clinging to every day. I know that no matter what happens, God always works for the good of those who love Him. I believe that God will use this current chaos to bring people to Him and that amidst this scary time He will make Himself known. I don't have all the answers, but He does and I'm learning to let that be enough for me. My latest verse that I have been trying to memorize to help ease my anxiousness is: "Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things, " Colossians 3:2. This world and all its troubles are temporary. Cling to the truth and trust that God has us all in His hands. Always.

I love music, so to end I would like to share a song that my sister shared with me. It's another one that's been on repeat for me and has been very fitting in all areas of my life. It's just a good reminder that God is working everything for our good.

'Til Next Time.

New Beginnings

So, it's been a minute since I last wrote, actually more like six years. I wouldn't even know where to begin to share what has happened in that space of time. I wish I could say that the girl who wrote those last few posts was able to achieve all the things she desired, but unfortunately, I took the road most traveled again. I landed myself in some messes, and I found myself with a lot more scars.

I thought about starting a new blog and allowing myself the metaphorical version of starting fresh, but also there's something full circle in continuing this blog. When I started it in 2012,  I had just been broken up with by the guy I thought I would marry. Thus the name: Plan B. Granted I was 18, and clearly clueless on what real love is, and to be honest, I still am pretty clueless of that.

At this point in my life, I'm easily on Plan L or R or let's be real probably Z. I hate that it's almost 10 years later and I have found myself in a similar position. You would think that I would have learned a thing or two by now. I am notorious for making plans and desiring everything to fit in a perfect box exactly the way I want it to, but every time I cling to that way of life it never ends well. I struggle with control and letting go of it. When things spiral I tend to cling more to how I think it should be rather than trusting God. It's been an ongoing issue for, oh you know, all my life. You know that song, Jesus Take the Wheel? I have said that a million times, but I don't think I have ever really meant it or if I thought I did, then I didn't live it.

Recently, I have started reading a lot, and I mean A LOT of self-help books out of desperation and desire to be a better human for God, for myself, for my family, etc. I even started going to counseling, which has been helpful, but the problem is that I'm searching for a fix it all answer. Unfortunately, I don't think that exists in this life. The only true "cure" I know of is Jesus and that becomes a way of living and not just a band-aid that allows you to move past pain and sorrow. It's something I have to choose daily in good things and in bad things. There are some mornings that I wake up and the immense joy I feel is something I want to share with everyone, and I can totally feel God's presence and I just know that it's going to be an amazing day. However, the next day I'll wake up and I'm a complete wreck. My attitude sucks. I'm sad or angry or frustrated and I don't want to see anyone or do anything because I just know that no one will understand and nothing will make it better. It's difficult to understand my pendulum swing of emotions, but I have been told that's normal, so I'm trying to take it one day at a time. The best part of it all is that God, my Jesus, loves me and chooses me through all of it. I have been blinded for far too long by this world to see and experience His goodness and faithfulness. The veil has been lifted, and my eyes are finally clear to be able to grasp just how much love He has for me and bucket loads of patience.

However, it's hard to let yourself be loved again when you feel like you've made too many mistakes and you're just far too gone. And yet, there's God, patiently waiting for you to let Him love you the way we know we don't deserve, but He is more than happy to anyway. In fact, I believe that He does His best work through redemption, but we have to be an active participant for it to work. So I guess that's where I am at right now. I'm trying to be more than just along for the ride and not just relying upon or reaching out to Him when things are tough. I want to learn to acknowledge Him and live a life that exemplifies Him at all times. That is so much easier said than done, but I am here to learn to push on and not give up because He never gives up on us.

In a sense, I am starting over and at first, I was resentful of that fact, but now I see it as an opportunity to really allow God to shape and mold me into the person He has always wanted me to become. There's something really exciting about that fact even if I'm not really pumped about where I'm at in my life right now. I had a friend ask me if I was okay, and my honest response was, "No, but I am so incredibly joyful." It's the weirdest, most wonderful place to be. This isn't how I imagined my life, but I'm tired of putting limits on my God that is capable of unimaginable things.

To end I would like to share a song that has really spoken to me in the midst of everything. I have listened to it on repeat more times than I can count. I first heard it during worship at church, and I've clung to its message ever since that first moment. It's Called Me Higher by All Sons and Daughters. Click on the song title to listen to it yourself. My favorite lyrics from the song are below:

And I could hold on

I could hold on to who I am and never let You
Change me from the inside
And I could be safe, oh
I could be safe here in Your arms and never leave home
Never let these walls down

But You have called me higher
You have called me deeper
And I'll go where You will lead me Lord

Honestly, the whole song is wonderful, but those lyrics, in particular, stir something in me every time I listen to it. I don't want to be the person I was because God wasn't at the center of her. I don't want to play it safe anymore. I want to be called higher and become the person God has always dreamed of me becoming. So, here's to new beginnings. 

'Til Next Time.

7 Wednesday Rambles

1. I have a new job working as a children's assistant at the library, and I absolutely LOVE it. I wish I could work more hours there because I enjoy it that much. It is a blessing to finally be able to look forward to my jobs rather than dread going.

2. This past week I have been incredibly antsy, and I have no idea why. It has been a struggle to stay focused in my classes and to force myself to sit down and do my homework. I just wanna go anywhere and do anything. Spontaneity people, it's a good thing to have every once in awhile.

3. My parents are in Europe right now, and I'm insanely jealous. I would give anything to be over there with them right now, but I'm so excited that they finally get to see what I have been going on and on about since I went there for the first time 5 years ago.

4. Currently, I am avoiding my student teaching presentation because I am so stressed out about it and like I mentioned before I'm having an issue with staying focused. Plus, I just felt this urge to write, so what better way to do just that than through my blog?

5. I am super excited about getting back into the classroom this semester because I will have more opportunities to teach, and that's exciting stuff right there. I actually get to develop a unit this semester and teach for an entire week. It's a big deal people.

6. I believe that I should probably only stick to one cup of coffee a day because after that second one there is no way that I'm going to be able to sit still today. I sealed my fate with that second first sip.

7. I graduate in exactly 102 days 2 hours and 46 minutes. Holy crap. This is getting real. I haven't been this excited since that one time that my nephew was born or that one time that I graduated high school. The end is near friends, and I could not be more ready for it.

Have a wonderful Hump Day lovely readers,

Til next time.

He Who Promised is Faithful

I can't believe it has taken me this long to get back on the blogging horse, but so much has happened in the past 7 months that I'll just say I was a little distracted. Unfortunately, at the beginning of the summer I chose the path more traveled, and I want to say that I regret it, but it has taught me more than I could have ever thought. Would I have saved myself lots of heartache and guilt by choosing a different path? Oh, without a doubt I would have, but I also have learned so much about myself that even if I was given the opportunity to go back and change things I'm not sure I actually would. Life is a journey that includes twists and turns and ups and downs and these past months have added a few of those to my story, which I hope that one day I can use to help guide someone in the right direction. I have decided that instead of dwelling on my mistakes I would like to turn them into something positive. There is not one single person on this planet that is not struggling with something, and if I can be one person to help another because of the experiences I have had, then I will use them for the greater good. 

I say all of this because too often lately I have found myself feeling sorry for myself and wishing I could change the past. That is no way to live a life. I do not wish to live a life that consists of the past. I want to live a life that is in the present and one that looks onto the future. Resentment and guilt cling to the past, and I have had more than enough of that. It's high time that I stand up, brush myself off, and open my eyes to what the future holds. If I continue to live in the past I will live a sad, pathetic life, and that terrifies me more than the chance that I may make more mistakes, which knowing me and that I'm human I'm bound to screw up a few more times before I leave this earth. Life isn't easy, but it doesn't have to be lived in misery. 

This morning I didn't go to church (gasp), but instead I chose to spend a few moments writing in my journal and looking over some verses about guilt. I have been experiencing some of that lately, so I decided to look up some verses about it to see what God had to say about it. Instead of feeling like the continual screw up that I sometimes feel like His words left me with a feeling of hope and a sense of renewal. Now this isn't one of those new year, new me mantras, but I do think that with the new year some changes need to be made. It's not going to be easy and there are probably going to be days where I make the same mistakes again, but the thing I have got to realize is that God is not going to give up on me even when I want to give up on myself. Even when all my hope is gone, God still has enough hope for the both of us. I think that is why this last verse stuck out so much to me:

"let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful."

Hebrews 10:22-23

I'm going to choose to hold onto that hope because I know despite everything that the God I serve is faithful and true. He is patient with me, even when I'm acting like a child, and someone like that is someone that more than deserves my time and my heart. I'm not perfect. I will never claim to be, but I want to strive for more than I have been lately. God deserves that and so much more from me. 

Til Next Time.

Independence

So, I know that I have literally been the world's worst blogger these past few months, and I honestly don't have a good excuse for my laziness, but I am hoping I can get back on track this summer. A lot has happened since February. Like A LOT. I doubt that any of you actually want me to go into all the details, but in a nut shell: I am officially a senior in college, which is terrifying and exciting all at the same time. I finished my first practicum with a Special Education classroom, and I loved every minute of it. It was definitely an experience that helped me remember why I want to become a teacher. I crossed the divide from being a teenager to an adult. I am officially the big 2-0. I took a big step in my personal life, and I am still trying to figure out if I made the right decision or not. That's to be decided for now. I am currently spending my first summer away from home, which I love but I think my parents are having trouble with. Understandably so because they now have the entire house to themselves, besides when Remy comes over to keep them company. 

It's definitely been a year of firsts so far.

I would like to say that I am living on my own this summer, but alas that is far from the truth. My wonderful and gracious cousins offered their basement to me, and I hopped on that offer because I knew that I did not want to spend my summer at home. Plus, I love my nanny job that I have up here, so I wanted to take advantage of being able to keep that over the summer. However, the flip side to all of that is I am bored out of my mind because I have nothing to do with my evenings. I am a good 10 to 20 minutes away from all my friends who are in this area, so driving to and from work plus driving to see friends can't be an every day thing otherwise gas will eat me alive. It stinks, but I'm trying to make the most of it! It really isn't that bad, but evenings do get a little lonely because I normally end up in bed by like 10 watching Netflix until I fall asleep. Lame, I know, but when you live in a smaller city your options are seriously limited. I savor the nights I meet up with friends because not to be dramatic, but it's like coming up for a breath of fresh air when I get to hang out with people my age. I mean I love myself, but even I get tired of me after so long. 

Anyways, I have thoroughly enjoyed this one step closer to independence so far, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't crave more. I would love to have my own place, but I know that I would also be so far under in debt I would be a mess. For now, I'll enjoy my little steps and be thankful that I am even able to stay up here this summer. I need to work on saving anyway because in less than a year I will be graduated and focusing on getting ready for my 12 weeks of student teaching. Then after that I will have to be getting a more serious job. Thinking about the future is no longer fun, instead it gives me ulcers. I mean yes I have so looked forward to being independent for so long now, but so much more comes with independence than I could imagine as I was growing up. Bills sucks. I hate them, and they always take away all my money. Living paycheck to paycheck is crappy, however it also makes life a little more exciting. I constantly have to ask myself how far can I stretch this dollar? So far, so good I guess because I'm not bankrupt or in debt, well until I start having to pay back my student loans, but I don't even want to think about that. 

My whole life I have looked forward to being on my own, but now that I am almost there I am realizing that it is great, but it's really not all it's cracked up to be. I mean I enjoy being 20, but sometimes it would be nice to just be a kid again and not have to worry about money or school or the future. Alas, there is no turning back time, and I have been constantly reminded lately that the day you are living in right now is the only one like it you'll ever have. Each day is unrepeatable, so we should make the most of it because we'll never get it back. Not to be morbid, but I'm not getting any younger, and I don't wanna look back in 20 years and wish I would have done something else with my time. Life is short, overall, and I want to waste any more than I have to. So independence, becoming an adult is my next step, and I want to embrace everything about it; the good, the bad, and the ugly. I can't wait to see what my future has in store for me. 

Til Next Time.