New Year. New Semester. New Attitude.

There is something about coming back to campus that changes my whole perspective and attitude on life. I literally do a 180 turn around as I drive from home to school, and when I step out of my car onto campus I can't help but smile. Don't get me wrong I love being at home because I get to see all my family, which includes my adorable nephew, but it also means that for whatever reason I fall back into the old routine of things, and I reach a point where I don't like the person I become at home. I feel sluggish and lazy. My attitude is often worse than it should be, and I have this constant feeling to live up to this idea of expectation that I feel is placed upon me. In reality, I am sure that those are just my feelings that I let creep into my thoughts, but I can't help it because at home I am the pastor's daughter who should still be 12 and not a junior in college. At home, I am the baby sister who still relies on mom and dad. I love my parents, and they have been a huge help, but I always feel more independent and more like an adult when I am at school because I am one step close to living on my own. I am in no hurry to grow up, however when I am at school I feel like whatever holds me back at home just dissipates here. It's one my favorite feelings. At school, people have not known me my entire life, so I can be whoever I want to be without them having previous known me in diapers or frilly dresses. I am automatically the adult Hannah, and I like that. A lot actually.

Another issue is that high school is at home, and while I enjoyed high school I also will not be the first one to go rushing back there. Everything that happened in high school is in the past, and I prefer to move beyond that. However, sometimes when I go home I feel like I am sucked back into the vortex of drama without even realizing it. I hear this about that person and that about this person, and before I know it I am telling other girls, and I hate that. It's none of my business, and it's not my place to be sharing. Gossip is hard enough to not be around in general. Plus being at home reminds me of everything that I had planned out. And as happy as I am that everything fell through, at the same time, I don't want a constant reminder of it either. At school people don't know my past unless I share it with them, and even then they don't know the people, so it's easier. School gives me a fresh start to be more free, and I believe that it gives me more confidence and a better attitude to work towards becoming the person God intended me to be. There are a lot of things that I still want to do, and I am young, so I truly believe that anything is possibly. I mean in the past 4 years I have been to 10 different countries and an excess amount of cities. I have a passion for traveling and that could have fell through if I had not trusted God. And that's not to say that every day I do that perfectly, but in the end I know that whatever He has in store for me it is going to be even greater than anything I could ever want or imagine. For example, I have always wanted to marry young because I wanted to be a young mom, but lately I have finally been hearing what everyone has been telling me for so long. 

I am young. I am almost 20, and there is still so many things I want to do. I want to see England, Ireland, Scotland, Australia, India, and more. I want to have my own apartment or at least live with my best friend for a bit. I want to have a couple of years of teaching under my belt before I get married. I want to experience my life as just myself and not in a pair where I am constantly having to think of someone else. I don't say that because I want to be selfish, but at the same time I want to be able to experience that selfishness  so that I can do whatever I want because I don't have to worry about how it affects someone else. Trust me if God wanted to put the right man in my life right now I would be the first to jump on that opportunity, but I am tired of living my life waiting for the right man to come along. I don't want to revolve my life around that opportunity because I have no idea when it will happen, all I know is that if God wills it in my life it will be in His timing, and that's enough for me. There is no rule book of motherhood that says to be a good, fun mom you have to be one before you're 25. I need to lose the idea of the perfect life in my head because I am limiting God from opening my eyes to the grand life He has organized for me. If I continue to be ungrateful and unsatisfied with what is in front of me, I am going to live one boring, pathetic life. That is not something I want to do. I want to make the most of every moment because every day brings me one step closer to my God and whatever He has lined out for me. A year from now I want to look back on my life and see how much I have grown and how much life has changed for me. I don't want to regret any moment or think to myself that I could have done or been more in a certain moment. Even if I have not met the right man in a year, I want to be able to say that I am exactly where God wants me to be, no matter where that place is. God is great, and God is good. I firmly believe that if I allow Him, He will transform me into the person I have always wanted to be and more. No strings attached. 

God called me to be a mother, and I still hold on to that, however He did not clarify in what capacity, and I cannot wait to see Him fulfill that calling in whatever way He has planned. Whether it be from my biological children or from the children in my classroom. Whatever it is, I know that God will not forsake me. There is no other like Him, and I owe my life to Him. I am ready to begin the journey He has laid out for me. It's gonna be a good one; I can feel it in my bones. For now, this will be a constant reminder to myself:

Til Next Time.