Bring Me Home

My whole life I had this idea that by the time college rolled around I would be in a steady relationship that was on its way to marriage, and yet I sit here, single and unfulfilled. The latter, I know is because of my own doing, but for some reason I cannot seem to shake this feeling of dissatisfaction. There is this air of selfishness that surrounds me that I cannot seem to break, and it is literally like I have the devil on my back, and I don't know how to get past him. I have hit a rut that makes me feel stuck, and I don't know if I have the will power to burst through it.

Have you ever felt like you are so far under that it appears to be pointless to even try to find your way back to the surface? I have let others and myself influence this idea of who I am supposed to be, and I fall short every single time I try to achieve my goals, so I have reached this point where all my motivation is gone and laziness and self doubt have set in. The obvious answer to "fix" me is God, and I know that deep down, but it's hard for me to continually make mistakes and come crawling back to a Father whose arms are wide open and so willing to forgive me. I do not deserve the love and grace that He offers, yet He calls my name and beckons me to Him anyway. For some reason I turn and run the other way. I don't know if it is because I am scared or if it is because I don't want to fail Him again, and honestly it's probably a combination of both, but I know that at some point I have to stop running in the other direction because it will never get me to where I really want to go. The choice seems rather simple, but as always I have to complicate things because that is something I do best. In my mind it seems inconceivable for something of such a great significance to be so simple. I think my biggest problem is that I ask for forgiveness, and then I find myself making the same mistakes over and over again because it is easy, and it is what I know. I am tired of excuses. I want change, but is that possible? Am I committed enough to follow through and really mean what I say and walk the walk?

Change is something that most people crave in their lifetime at some point, but it is never as easy as it seems. The question I must ask myself now is, "How bad do I want this?" I see those people who have this unbreakable relationship with God, and I envy them. The ones who have faith that can move mountains, that are willing to drop everything for Him, and I am the one who inwardly complains whenever my mother interrupts me when I am in the middle of something. I could kick myself for some of the things that I have said aloud before or for some of the attitudes I have let flare up in moments of selfishness and annoyance. In my mind I can see the person that I want to become, and I tell myself that I will never be able to achieve her, and I don't know why I think that. It is not that I am incapable, but I have let people's thoughts, words, and opinions become chains around my wrists and ankles, holding me back. I have let myself believe the lies the devil tells me, and I have fed myself those lies, so that they feel as if they are truth. I am so entangled in that web of lies that it feels impossible to break free. As I was growing up one of the verses that was continually told to me was that "Through Christ, all things are possible." I know that this is true, but I feel so distanced from my Abba, and I don't know how to get back to that place of dependence because it frightens me. I am good at making excuses. I know this because I have been doing it a large portion of my life. I know that the right thing to say here is that I need to stop that nonsense and look past the excuses, but the laziness and self doubt holds me back because in this place I believe that I am safe, when in all actuality that is not the truth at all. This is why I feel stuck because I know what I ought to do, but actually following through is the issue. So many times I have tried to follow through and every time that I fail I feel that belief in myself fall away more and more. I am weak, and I have got to get to a point where I look past myself and stop the pity party for myself because until then nothing is going to change. In the end the answer is mine to give, and honestly I don't have one right now. I know what I want to say. I know what I want to do and what I need to do, but I have never felt more unsure of myself or more unmotivated before in all my life. I need God in my life like a dehydrated man in the desert needs water. If I don't run back to Him, back into His arms, I won't survive. The choice is mine, and I so desperately hope I make the right one, otherwise I will live out an empty life, and that is not at all what I want. So please be praying for me as this new year begins. I want it to be a good year where I finally trust God enough to listen closer and open my heart to everything that He wants to share with me. I want to find my way back home, into His loving arms because there is no place quite like it.

Til Next Time.