Clarity

God always knows what I need to hear exactly when I need to hear it. He never ceases to amaze me that way. For example, this morning I was exhausted  and I had no desire to crawl out of bed, but I didn't go to chapel on Tuesday, so I decided I needed to go today. Plus, I love student led chapel because it is such a blessing to be able to hear from my fellow students. The point of this though is to say that the message today spoke to me in a way that I could not have ever expected. 

Lately I have been struggling with some stuff, and I like to be in control, so it's really hard for me to let go. I feel like I am constantly having to pray for the strength to relinquish control because I am really bad at it. My theory is that if I am in control, and I put up walls around me, and basically place myself in a tower away from everyone else, then I can stop myself from being hurt again. In my mind by doing this, I can protect myself from the things people say or from rejection because I don't want to have to face that again. It was not easy the first time, so going through it a second time is not exactly my first choice. The problem with that thought process is that I still get hurt. Instead though, I can lie to myself and say that I am fine and lose people in my life in the process. In my mind it's better for me to push them away than for me to be pushed away. Let me just say, that that idea is dumb. Like really dumb. Who wants to live a life alone? I definitely don't, but if I continue down this path that I am on, I just might.

 I'm gonna go a little off topic for a moment and discuss the message that was shared with us today, but I promise I will bring it full circle in the end. The focus of the message was the extraordinarily ordinary things in life. So many times as humans we forget to appreciate the small things and the little beauties in life that surround us every day. It's sad really because we have so much to be thankful for, and we are surrounded by God's glory and all of His handiwork. I hate that there are days that go by and all of that is unappreciated by me. I waste so much time trying to figure out my life and find the answers to all the questions I have that I become the main focus of my life when it should be Christ. By constantly always looking forward I miss out on the here and now moments of life; I lose appreciation for the small stuff. I make every day life not enough for me, and I become selfish, thinking only about me and my needs. I get so wrapped up in my questions and my quest for answers that I stop listening to God, and I start taking control of my situation rather than sitting back and waiting for God. I'm impulsive and I make rash decisions that I will regret later, and in the end I am left with only myself. That's a really lonely life to lead, and I am tired of it. 

The speaker shared with us the night that he fell in love with Jesus, and his excitement and passion as he shared his story with us gave me the chills. I want to fall in love with my Savior again. I want to have that moment that is completely filled with joy, and I feel on top of the world because my God is the King of Kings. However, to do that I have to learn to let go. There is a raging battle going on inside of me, and I didn't realize the extent of it, until the closing worship song. I honestly do not even remember the lyrics because I just shut my eyes to take a moment to breathe, and the moment I did I had a vision that no matter how silly it might sound or I might feel while sharing it, I want to because it broke me.

 In front of me was a white light, but it appeared to be a man, and he was fighting against these dark figures. I was before him, but I was bound up, and I was trying to fight to break free, but I could feel myself getting tired. And then a hand broke free from the man and he was reaching out to me. The harder he fought to reach me the more he was able to push past the dark figures, but he still could not make it all the way. I was going to have to reach out and grab his hand if I was going to break free from my restraints. I kept shaking my head at him because I didn't think that I could make it, that I could reach him. I was too tightly bound and the harder I fought the wearier I became. He only fought harder, pushing against the figures to reach me. And the only thing that I could think  the entire time was why me? Why fight so hard to save me when I am already a lost cause, a broken mess that is going to be impossible to fix? I'm too far gone, and then he spoke and said, "Because I love you. Because I chose you. Because you are worth it."

People around me were still singing, but it was literally like I was in another place that entire time. I was trying really hard not to break down because I am the kind of person who appreciates those who want to lay their hands on me and pray for me, but I don't like to create a scene or have everyone staring. I kept my eyes shut as a few tears rolled down my cheeks, and I reached out, and I grabbed ahold of his hand. The hand that had a nail drove through it for me, and I chose to believe in that moment that my God, my Savior does love me and He won't stop fighting for me. I know I sound crazy or at least I think I do, but that moment, that vision was so real to me and it happened so fast, that I just knew it had to be from God. In that moment it truly felt like I was holding the hand of God, and I could breathe freely without having the devil on my back. I'm not saying that all of the sudden I have let go and given everything over to God, but I am saying that I am worth it, I am loved, and I am chosen because of Christ.

 If I had not gone to chapel and heard the message, I would not have experienced that moment with God, and that will be a moment that I will never forget. My God is still fighting for me, and He is still picking me despite everything. No matter what is going on in my life, He is the one person I can always count on to never leave my side. For Him, it is worth it to lose control and to stop searching for answers. There is a quote that was shared in a video today that I absolutely fell in love with, and I just wanted to share it with all of you: 

“You are so young; you stand before beginnings. I would like to beg of you, dear friend, as well as I can, to have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day. And the point is to live everything, live the questions now.” -Rainer Rilke

I still do not have everything figured out, and I still have plenty of questions that I would love to have answers to, but why waste life looking for the answers when you can, as Rainer says, "live the questions now." In life I'm going to get hurt, I'm going to get rejected, but I am also going to be loved, I am going to be chosen, and in God's eyes I am always going to be worth it. He gave up His son for me, and I want to live a life that returns the favor by bringing glory to His name. There is beauty in the broken, and in life we should not forget to look at the ordinary to be inspired by the extraordinary. I need to take a step back and really use this semester to focus on my relationship with God and go back to the basics. I refuse to let the devil win this time. My God is bigger than anything the devil could throw my way, and I need to remember that I truly can do all things through Him.

 Til Next Time.