Even Now

I have only audibly heard the Lord twice in my life. The first time I was 15, and the second time I was 26. Both times it was like a gentle whisper that I kept second guessing if it was real, but I know without a doubt it was Him. Both were promises He gave me, but what I didn't understand was the timeline. As humans, we get so impatient and we often look for instant gratification, so when the answer is delayed or we have to wait we get upset. It's easy to forget that our timeline doesn't operate the same way that His does and truthfully as I get older I am so thankful for that. The first promise He gave me was that I would be a wife and a mother. I was reading a book and there was a moment where the character had to decide to save her own life or her child's, and I remember thinking I would absolutely choose my child's life over my own. Maybe that's weird for a 15-year-old to be thinking like that, but my whole life I have known that more than anything I wanted to be a mother. I remember sitting on my bed, reading this book, getting emotional over the lives of fictional characters, and the Lord gently whispering, you will be a wife and a mother - I have this for you. At first, I tried to convince myself that it was just my own inner thoughts and dialogue because it was a strong desire of mine, but the peace that washed over me and the fact that it felt like His voice made it hard to explain away. I don't really know how to describe His voice. It's not like it was a deep, sounding like Morgan Freeman, but neither was it a strong, thunder-powering voice either. It was just a gentle, quiet, but firm voice that made me feel like I could rest in His promise. 

The problem with us humans is that we get impatient and try to control things ourselves. I knew the Lord had called me to be the very thing I wanted most, but what I struggled to do was trust Him to fulfill it. I did things my way and in turn, found myself in the middle of a second-rate fulfillment of a promise I tried to bring to fruition by myself instead of letting Him do what He does best; which brings me to the second time I heard His voice. A little over 10 years after He gave me the first promise, I found myself incredibly broken and sitting on my couch crying out to Him because I couldn't understand how I had allowed myself to get to the place I was in. I was hurting by the betrayal of someone I loved deeply, and I was embarrassed because everyone was right. It was the lowest I had ever felt, and as I sat there not having the words to say besides Jesus over and over again- I heard Him speak. And again it was this balm to my soul that allowed me a moment to catch my breath and not feel so alone; He said, do you trust me? I've got you.

A four-word question that was answered easily with a resounding yes, and yet the last however many years had proved time and time again that I didn't. At some point, I had started operating out of a scarcity mindset and my prayer life had been reduced to monotonous prayers and genie-like requests. It was easier to believe He had forgotten me because then I could justify my lack of faith and trust. I think part of why I failed or fell short is because I focused more on the rules and lost sight of my relationship with Jesus. I was wrapped in so much shame and guilt that I was doing things out of obligation like checking off boxes of what makes a good Christian and trying to feel better about the choices I was making that didn't honor Him. However, Jesus isn't a routine. He is a way of life. The only way. And it's not about what you can do- it's about what He can do. 

It's in the waiting where we get to stretch our faith muscle. I hate waiting, so clearly, that muscle was pretty weak for a large part of my life. I was trying to go off other people's experiences versus really taking the time to grow on my own. In one of Christine Caine's podcast episodes (Trusting in the Wilderness), she said, "You don’t know what God is protecting you from when you take the long way around. Thank God for the long way. By taking us the long way around, God prepares us for what he already has prepared for us. The long way around isn’t a punishment it’s a preparation. God is a loving father who is forming our character." I want to start looking at God and say “Wow, you did all of that just to know me and be with me. Instead of, why haven’t you given me what I want?” 

Prayer is not about getting what you want. It's about learning to be in a place of full surrender to Him and His will. A place where you can trust that how and when God does answer your prayer- it will exceed your expectations. And sometimes that answer is no, which can be so incredibly heartbreaking. There are times that I don't understand that answer, but at the end of the day if I believe that God is who He says He is, then He will be faithful through the most amazing yes or gut-wrenching no. It doesn't have to make sense for us to trust that He is still good. And sometimes no doesn't always mean a resounding no, but rather it could be a not yet. We have to be careful to not get so caught up in not getting what we want that we miss out on what God is doing. 

Recently, I started reading The Circle Maker by Mark Batterson because it had been recommended to me several times. To be honest I didn't have any major expectations for the book or think about the effect it would have on me. I've read several of his books, and in college one of my first posts on this blog was about his book, Soul Print. All of that to say, picking up the book was merely a "let's read this next" decision, but I had no idea how the Lord would use it to change how I pray. I mean I probably should have known that considering the tagline underneath the title is "Praying circles around your biggest dreams and greatest fears" but truthfully I just grabbed a new book from my shelf that I hadn't read yet. The words I have read so far though have been exactly what I needed to hear and be challenged by, so I don't think it was a coincidence that this is the book I chose. 

In his book, Mark Batterson writes, "But we should praise God for disappointment because it drives us to our knees. Disappointment is like dream defibrillation. If we respond to it the right way, disappointment can actually restore our prayer rhythm and resurrect our dreams." If I'm being honest, I don't want to relive or camp out in my disappointments, but neither would I go back and change them because they are what drew me and has continued to draw me closer to God. It was in those moments that I had nowhere else to turn, and I didn't understand the why behind His silence or His no's that I knew I had to keep praying. And slowly over time, through those prayer declarations and laments my relationship with Him grew stronger. Things still don't always look like how I thought they would, but when my eyes are focused on Him I am able to see more clearly all the ways His hand has been and continues to be on me, protecting me, and guiding me to be exactly where He wanted me.

John 11:20-22 says, "When Martha heard that Jesus was coming, she went out to meet him, but Mary stayed at home. “Lord,” Martha said to Jesus, “if you had been here, my brother would not have died. But I know that even now God will give you whatever you ask.” The more I get to know God and spend time with Him the more I want an 'even now' faith. When things look bleak or don't make sense, I want to continue to place my hope in Jesus and believe that even now He will provide.  That's the kind of faith that goes beyond feelings and rests solely in Jesus. 

At the end of the day, we have to remember that God wants to bless us beyond anything we could ask or imagine. He wants to hear from us and He wants us to tell Him exactly what we want. I think the important thing to keep in mind when we do this is to check ourselves on where is the posture of our hearts. Are we asking with a certain expectation or are we just sharing with our Father our deepest desires and trusting Him to work all things out for our good? That thought process has shaped how I've prayed over the last month and it has drastically changed how I talk to God and my expectation for the outcome of those prayers. Batterson says, "And if we pray in alignment with the will of God, He always provides." God is not cruel, and He has never and will never abandon us. Even now in the darkest moments of my life, I know He was and is with me. Even now in the longest periods of waiting I know He was and is still working. Even now I choose to believe He always knows best, and we have to choose to continue to pray hard through those moments of doubt. We have to trust that even if things seem impossible and nothing makes sense His plans always prevail and are always better than anything we could fathom. 

Abba - give me an even now faith to see beyond my own feelings. Help me to open up my heart to you and align my desires with yours. You are a promise-keeping God, and I place my hope in you to carry me through anything this life might throw my way. Thank you for who you are and for all the ways you have answered my prayers and continue to be my source of light. Amen.

Rise.

Here's the thing- I can't change my past or my choices. I can't fix what was broken. I can't redo moments that I wish I could rewrite. I relate all too well to Esau giving away his birthright to his brother Jacob (Genesis 25) because at the moment it felt good. It was like putting a band aid on a wound that needed stitches; a temporary fix that never healed. Making those choices made sense in that context, but neither of us thought about what it would cost us later. 

At some point, I had made so many choices out of instant gratification that I started to believe that was all I was capable of doing. I had created a pattern that wasn't honoring God and it felt like I was buried, so logically I just kept making the same choice. The thought of "what's the point" crossed my mind because I felt like I had made too many bad decisions. All of them led me so far down a path that it was hard to see where I even started. The road back up seemed too hard and daunting and honestly impossible. I reverted to this mode of self-preservation, and I got to a point where it was easier to believe the lies because it was the only thing keeping me from drowning. But what I didn't realize was those same lies were the very thing that were holding me under the water not keeping me above it.

The devil is crafty. He knows how to corner us, and what better way to keep me where he wanted me than by making me stay in the water by manipulating me to believe my head was only above it because of the hill of deceit and disappointment I had created. Logically, I believed that in order to "get out" I should keep adding to it. Building the hill up so my head would never fall underneath the surface. It was easier to believe that I was a colossal screw-up than it was to believe that people could forgive me and look past the trail of damage I had following me. I started to wear my choices like a protective covering because on some messed up level it made me feel safe. It was easier to hide behind shame because then I started to believe that was the kind of person I was rather than fighting to change it. But in doing so I was preventing God from using my story to bring restoration- whether it be just for me or for others by sharing it and getting honest about how I was doing. Staying in the water only punished me by keeping me trapped, and it gave the devil an easy victory that we all know he absolutely does not deserve.

When I finally decided I wanted out of the water I became aware of some things. I had help creating the lies I believed. The things that were said to me, done to me helped to create this idea in my mind for years that I wasn't good enough. I didn't deserve a chance to be better. I wasn't worthy. I believed it was just who I was. But all that time I had a tiny inkling in the back of my mind trying to break its way out- reminding me of God's truths and not the world's. It took me reaching my breaking point in my marriage for that sliver to to burst forth and completely change the trajectory of my life. I finally had had enough. I was tired of being put down. I was tired of living low. I was tired of believing the lies I had allowed to keep me stuck and empty. I wanted something different, so I decided shake myself free from those labels and thoughts. I chose to finally rise above it all.

Fast forward a couple years, and I'm thriving in a new place, in a new job, in a new church with amazing community, and it feels good. Every once in awhile my past pops up like it's always prone to do, but I work through it. I don't allow it to define me because I chose to rise. I would be lying if I said it wasn't hard though. It is like a dark shadow that lingers behind me every day. I have to choose to not let the same lies dictate my actions and beliefs. I have to fight to not travel down the same rabbit holes and force myself to work through my triggers versus ignoring them. Most people who hear my story are empathetic while others struggle to grasp why I stayed for so long. I have to be careful to not allow their questions to fuel any shame I fight against keeping around. I mean even now being on the other side of things I sometimes have a hard time understanding why I stayed for so long because I've finally been out of it long enough that I am able to think clearly. It's hard to not ask myself those same questions because I feel like a completely different person. However, I've heard that being in a toxic situation is like being addicted to a drug, and addictions are hard to break. Knowing this makes me want to not focus on why I stayed, but celebrate the fact that I broke free. 

Healing is a tough business because while valleys are difficult; mountaintops are terrifying. You work so hard to get up that when you reach the top the view is hard to enjoy because you're too scared about falling back down. You cling desperately to the peak which can result in living a life of constant fear. Fear of failure. Fear of rejection. Fear of taking the wrong step. Fear of never being able to trust yourself again. Fear that you aren't really healed. Fear that someone will never be able to look beyond the dark cloud that hovers. You do all that work to be better, to rise, and you can't even allow yourself the pleasure of looking around and seeing the view from up high. 

The funny thing about a mountaintop though is that at some point you have to come down. A friend reminded me of this over coffee and she made the point that we can either fall backward or fall forwards, but that choice is ours. Getting to a mountaintop doesn't guarantee never being in a valley again, but it can equip us to be prepared for it and that valley doesn't have to seem so impossibly deep. I was listening to a sermon the other day and the pastor said, "He doesn't always pull us out of the situation, but He always enters into the situation with us." This is how we combat those valley moments. This is how we avoid that drowning feeling. Because God is always in those moments with us. Getting knocked down is inevitable. Being pulled into the water is impossible to avoid. Falling off a mountain top is going to happen. Perspective is what drives how we choose to see those situations in our lives. And in those situations we have to choose to rise. 

And the thing is we never have to do it alone. That's a guarantee backed up by scripture. Joshua 1:9 says "This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” He promises to be with us in every single situation no matter its "location." In this life, we will face trials regardless of if we love Jesus or not. The benefit of aligning our lives to His is that when those moments hit we'll be better prepared to handle them not because of who we are, but because of who He is. 

So choose to rise on mountaintops and enjoy the view. Choose to rise in the valley even when you have to lean on Jesus for support to stand. Choose to rise and swim out of the water even if He's having to basically drag you out. Choose to rise regardless because it's better than staying down. Choose to cling to the belief that this world is temporary and place your hope in the peaceful fact that there are far, far better things ahead. I don't know how my story or your story ends, but we can choose to remember all the ways God has been faithful to us and that's enough to sustain us as we move forward and choose to rise. Every time. 

Welcoming Rejection

I used to always anticipate rejection. I used to assume that the people around me would eventually decide I wasn’t someone they wanted around. Because of this assumption, I felt the need to prove myself, and I would attempt to control the outcome by overcompensating in the hopes it would convince them to stay. This only perpetuated some of the statements I’ve been told before like I’m dramatic or over the top. And because of this cycle, I have had to fight off bitterness and resentment in some situations. But I'm tired. I am exhausted living like this, and I know it's a miserable way to live life. I don't want to live in expectation of rejection. I don't want to have to fight and prove my worth to someone. It’s a hostile space and it isn't going to help me be more like Christ or light to others.

In the past when I have been rejected, especially, in the romantic sense, I have allowed those moments to completely steal my self-worth. I allowed myself to find my value in them or rather not see my value because I "lost" it when I was rejected. I gave them too much power over me, and once I started that trend I struggled to stop it. Trust me- I recognize how absolutely wrong that is, but each time I was so wrapped up in being liked and being chosen that when I wasn't it was devastating. After years of this, I have allowed a fear to grow. It's an incredibly silly fear, and I know it's not rooted in truth, but nonetheless, I have it. My fear is that I'll never be chosen. Specifically, in the romantic sense, by a man. I know, it's ridiculous, and I'm shaking my head even as I write this, but if I'm being honest and raw with you it's a thought that often crosses my mind. It’s a battle that I fight daily because I’m scared that my past and the things I have been through are going to be too much. I’m afraid that I am too much. 

I am a work-in-progress people pleaser, so rejection is hard. But let's be real, rejection is hard for anyone. We just handle it in different ways. Some people respond by using it as fuel to keep pushing on while others allow it to burn their light out completely. Unfortunately for me, I've been a member of the latter example too many times. I try to get back up. I try to not be affected, but after so many times of the same thing, you begin to become a little jaded. I mean rightfully so though, right? However, the challenge for myself lately is instead of looking at rejection as something negative and personal- I need to learn to take it as an opportunity to eagerly anticipate what's meant to be for me. I need to choose to turn it into a learning experience that drives me towards the thing or person that God has for me. I know I will continue to face rejection for the rest of my life so I can either let it drown me or fuel me. It only has as much power as I choose to give it. 

I want to learn how to keep that perspective in the forefront of my mind. I don’t want to continue to live with anxiety over this. I want to see all of those rejections as a blessing because each one saved me from less than God’s best. I want to be with the man who knows without a doubt I am the person he wants to be with no matter the hurdles. I want to be with the man who can’t imagine a life without me in it and who makes it clear that me and us are exactly what he wants.  And while I am waiting for that man and part of my story to develop, I want to spend less time focusing on who that man is and more time focusing on all the people who do choose me and continue to show up for me. Because how ungrateful is it to continue to allow all of my past experiences to taint any future ones and more importantly the healthy relationships I currently have. It's not fair to the people in my life that are totally in my corner, loving me for me to just assume that one day they're going to leave and decide I'm not worth their time anymore. It's not fair to put that label on them just because others have done it to me before. And yet here I am doing exactly that- living in the fear that one day they will realize they no longer need or want me around. I hate how depressing that sounds, and I hate that my brain can so easily default to these thoughts when I am fighting so hard to fix all of the crossed wires. Truthfully, it would be so much easier to just sweep all these feelings under the metaphorical rug and keep moving forward in life without giving them a second thought. Sometimes I really would love to do just that. However, my rug is becoming a tiny mountain, so I've been working on sorting through them and smoothing the rug back out.

I recently finished reading Kait Wartman's book, Thank You for Rejecting Me, and it was such an easy and powerful read. It reiterated my need to change my perspective and mindset on the things that have been said and done to me by others and by myself. It reaffirmed that I give way too much control and power to others expecting them to fill the voids in my life. That's why it's so difficult when people leave because I was letting them complete me rather than learning how to be whole on my own with Christ. It sucks to admit that because I don't want to seem like a weak person or someone who can't be alone, but I would say it's probably fair to assume I am not the only one who has created this pattern for themselves. I have always said that my goal in being open and honest with people is to provide space for someone to feel seen and heard through my words. I hope that's happening now and if it's you I hope you hear me loud and clear when I say that the only one who can satisfy you is Jesus. It might sound cheesy and you might roll your eyes as you read that sentence, but it is the truest statement I could write. Nothing in my life that has been worth remembering has happened without Him. 

I started this post 9 months ago right after I went to something called Chazown at my Life.Church campus. The point of the class is to use your core values, spiritual gifts, and past experiences to form your Chazown (vision) statement for your life. I wasn’t really sure what to expect from it, but the whole experience was eye-opening for me. It helped me to see that a majority of the painful memories in my life are rooted in some form of rejection. So no wonder I struggle with it. I didn’t want to keep giving control to this fear, and my way of standing up to it is to write and tell my story. Thus my statement ended up being: To share my story to help others see their worth in Christ. 

That experience led me to write the initial draft of this post, but from the start, it sounded so negative. I didn’t feel like the message I wanted to convey was properly being put into words, so I would open it every couple of months, read through it again and again, and then add new thoughts to it. I wanted to be honest with my feelings and vulnerable with this struggle, however, I didn’t want it to be a discouraging post. As I’m currently adding thoughts and editing, I’m realizing that I’ve finally had a mindset shift. I no longer dread rejection or want to hide from it. That’s not to say that I seek it out or run head-on into it, but I know that it’s bound to happen, and there is so much good that can come from it. It can make me stronger and more resilient. Besides, why do I want people in my life that don’t want to be around anyway? 

And as I reflect back on my life so far, after the times where I felt the most rejected- there were and continue to be some of the most incredibly positive, significant moments that formed because of the negative ones. To me, that is proof of God's goodness and how He used the difficult parts of my story to bring about something greater beyond what I could comprehend in my moments of rejection and pain. 

Not everyone in this life is going to like me. I don't like frustrating or disappointing people, but I'm learning that it's going to happen and it's okay. If I'm living my life the way God intended, then it's going to be inevitable. John 15:18 says, “If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first.” And what an example Jesus is for us. So I can either continue to let other people define how I live my life or I can grow my backbone and be confident in the person I am becoming.

Dear 28

 Dear 28, 

    I thought it might be hard to say goodbye to you because it means being one year closer to 30, but truthfully I am ready to move forward. You were a year filled with celebrations, disappointments, travels, tiny victories, and hope. You brought me unexpected moments and people which have now become memories I treasure and some that are better left behind. In your year, I was able to experience the joy of Disney World, the anxiousness of starting a new job, the wonder of New York City, the pain of heart break, and the strengthening of my roots. I wouldn't trade a single moment of it because it helped shape me and prepare me for what comes next. 

    I will say this was the first year that I wasn't blazing through the final days of you to get to my birthday. It's not that I was dreading letting you go, but I wanted to savor every moment because I knew I would never get them back. 29, you were coming whether I wanted you to or not, so I had to enjoy each day that was left of you, 28. You were the year that I thought my life would look like I had always dreamed. I thought I would be ending you unlike how I started you and in some ways I am. In the details it looks different, but big picture I still feel like I am in the same spot. I'm sure it's a beautifully crafted lie by the devil to create resentment, but I don't feel like letting him win today. I know I'm not the same person from a year ago. 

    I may not be walking into 29 how I had anticipated, but I think I'm better off. Actually, I know I am. 28, you taught me that I have a voice and how to use it. You showed me that I don't have to settle. You gave me opportunities to learn more about myself and what I want. You helped me see that the love I have to give is a beautiful gift, but not everyone will appreciate it, and that's okay. You reminded me that I don't have to prove myself to know that I'm enough. You taught me how to put boundaries in place and keep them. You allowed me to rediscover old passions, try new things, and go places I'd never been before. Best of all, you were the year that I grew in my faith more than I ever have, and the year I began writing my book. You rekindled the hope that there are still far, far better things ahead, which is what makes letting you go so easy. 

     28, you will become a stepping stone in my life. Hopefully, one among many others to come, but one I am happy to leave behind. I am not afraid of the future because I know who is building it before I even take a step into it. I look expectantly to 29, and I am filled with excitement of what's to come. Thank you for your year of growth and change. Thank you for helping me continue to become the best version of myself. Thank you for all the memories. Thank you for bringing me to the exact place I am in today. What a year it has been, 28.

Here's to 29. 

Expectant

Every year I choose a word that I feel the Lord has placed on my heart. Usually, I know it prior to the first of the year, but this year was different. I was drawing blanks on what I wanted it to be or what I thought it should be, so I started to think that maybe I wouldn't have one at all. I don't know why I ever doubt God or why I ever think that He won't show up because as history would have it in my life - He always does. And in this case He absolutely did. 

The first weekend of the new year I kept coming across different forms of the word expectant. I heard it in a podcast, listened to it being used in a sermon, a friend used it when giving me a pep talk, and the list goes on. I didn't think it was random that this word kept popping up in my life. So I spoke it into existence: "This year my word is expectant." And then if I'm being honest, I forgot about it. Usually I write a post about my word of the year, and in my defense, I did start this post weeks ago. I just never finished it. I got consumed with other things in my life and forgot about it. I don't think it's a coincidence that I'm finishing it up now. When I first began writing this, I was in a different headspace and spot in my life. I saw things playing out differently, and when a path was paved outside of what I expected I was thrown for a loop. I hadn't thought about my word of the year or how the Lord was going to use it in my life until things changed. 

It's one thing to be expectant when things are going your way. It's an entirely different choice when things feel like they don't make sense. According to Dictionary.com, expectant means "having or showing an excited feeling that something is about to happen, especially something pleasant and interesting." Who wouldn't want to live life this way? I would love to walk around always believing that something awesome is about to happen, but how do you do that when your dreams and desires feel out of reach? How do you stay expectant when you're carrying around so many disappointments? If any of you have a quick fix answer to that, please let me know because I would love to have it figured out. Unfortuantely, in my experience, this is not how life or the Lord operates. I have learned though that one way to live expectant of the Lord and His goodness is by shifting your perspective. 

For me, it is super easy to see all the ways things have gone wrong or aren't going like I expected. It's hard to find the joy when I don't understand what He's doing. I'm guilty of living in a scarcity mentality of His faithfulness. This fear that when things don't pan out that nothing ever can again. Let me just tell you - that's stupid. I continue to learn that life is what you make of it. I can choose to see all the ways that I am blessed or I can choose to look at all the ways I think I'm not. I don't think anyone wants to dwell on disappointments, but I think it's safe to say that most of us do. Why is it so easy to prolong and stay focused on those negative thoughts rather than the positive ones? Why is it that a setback can consume your mind, but an answered prayer feels like a blip of thankfulness? Or maybe that's just me. All I know is that I tend to give more time and power to the events and people that cause hurt versus those that bring about healing and acceptance. This is where I believe that a perspective shift has to happen. It needs to become my default when those moments of bitterness creep in. I say this because in my experience, the fruit that comes from life's let downs is always significantly better than anything I could have asked for myself. I have countless stories of the Lord using my past pains to bring about something greater. All of those moments have taught me something about myself and have shaped me into the woman that I am today. That alone should be reason enough to live life expectantly. And yet I find myself falling into the same silly cycle of doubt and frustration. 

In Psalm 5:3, David says "Listen to my voice in the morning, Lord. Each morning I bring my requests to you and wait expectantly." Did you catch that? "wait expectantly" Key word: wait. Choosing to live life believing that something amazing is going to happen doesn't occur without that very important verb. I'm learning that I can be expectant that the Lord is going to do something incredible in my life, while also giving space for my current feelings, even if they're negative. I mean if you look at the verses prior to this, David is groaning before the Lord and crying out for help. And we call him the man after God's own heart. I think this is the main reason why he is one of my favorite bible characters. The dude is as emotional as me, so I can relate to him. The Lord never negates any of our feelings and He welcomes them, but what we have to be careful of is how much we let our feelings control our actions. I get to decide how much time I spend on them or much much mental space I give them. I control that. I am not helpless nor do I want to behave that way. 

So here I am still learning and growing with the same idea that I can be bummed that life doesn't look like what I thought, but at the same time I can be expectant that the Lord is far from done with me. Expectant of the Lord is exactly how I want to live out 2022. I want to be present in each moment I'm given, but be able to look forward with this excitement and belief that He is going to do something great even if it takes going through the weeds first. How different would my life look if I chose to live in expectation of His goodness because I know He is faithful and He is a promise keeper. If I could shift my perspective and live in a space of expectancy and believe that He is and always has been working for my good. My lows wouldn't have to be so crippling, and my highs could serve as reminders that He is exactly who He says He is. 

We may already be 1/4 of the way through the year (insane), and this may be considered a little late in posting, but I still have 3/4 of 2022 left. I don't want to waste another moment living like I don't serve a good and just God. I choose to live expectant that He knows me better than I know myself and the best is yet to come. 

Stop the Spiral

Some say that the biggest battle you'll ever fight is the one within your mind. In the last year, I can think of at least three different books from well-known Christian authors who focus solely on this war. That alone should prove how prevalent and very real this issue is among so many of us. And yet even being aware of it and attempting to gather as many tools as possible to fight it,  I still find myself struggling to not have the same battle every day. Especially when things happen in life that only exacerbate the feeling. In my mind, I tell myself that it only proves my biggest fear. On my stronger days, when this thought crosses my mind, I just imagine Jesus on the side jumping up and down waving his arms trying to tell me that all of that is just absolutely not true. Why is it so easy to believe the negative over the positive? Why do we spend so much time dwelling on what we will never be versus all that we are right now? 

The saying of you are our own worst enemy is more true than I could have ever imagined. As I get older I have found that I'm the one that sets myself up for failure by trying to strive for what I think everyone wants from me rather than just focusing on God and what He wants. I create these unrealistic expectations and when I don't meet them, I beat myself up for it. This, as Brene Brown would say, is my shame gremlin: supposed to be. I've talked about it before, but I cannot tell you the number of times I have allowed myself to spiral because of this feeling of not measuring up or because of the mistakes that have led me to where I am at today. And yet when I think about it all of these feelings are what I have put on myself. No one has told me that I'm not where I'm supposed to be or that I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing. Only I have told myself those things. So I guess the question I have to ask myself is- who am I really living for? 

If it's God, then dadgum girl, let those expectations fly away because He wants me exactly as I am. He wants you exactly where you are with or without all the bells and whistles this life has to offer. There is nothing we could say or do that would impress Him or turn Him away from us. Literally NOTHING. He doesn't care where we are at because He just wants us. I mean shoot He gave up His own son for us and He knew that we would turn from Him. He knew we would screw up. He knew we wouldn't listen. He knew we would outrightly choose everything but Him, and He still sacrificed His son. If that doesn't scream love, then I don't know what does. I'm not a parent, but I can only imagine how excruciating it would be to watch your child die a painful death. 

It's in these moments when I focus on that sole fact that I begin to get irritated at myself for doubting and then I start spiraling in the other direction. Then I imagine God just shaking His head at me, not out of disappointment, but out of frustration that I'm still making it about me when it isn't at all. It's about Him and what He has to freely offer us. That gift is always free and it's always there for us. He is always there for us. Every time I come crawling back with my metaphorical tail tucked between my legs He is there to greet me with grace and joy and never does He say I told you so. So why do I take His love for granted so often? Why do I know the truth and so often run from it? 

My mind is the thing that is ruining my attitude and actions. It's high time I take that control back. 

There's a saying that I have written in the notes folder on my phone, and for a long time, it was also on a sticky note that was placed on the inside of my work computer so I could see it every day. It says, "Feelings are meant to indicate, not dictate. Recognize them, but focus on the facts." I think this resonated with me because I have been told my whole life that I make emotional decisions and while that isn't always a bad thing it also is not a good thing. God gave us emotions for a reason, but they often mislead us. Sometimes people or things bring out feelings within us that can make it confusing to make a clear decision. It doesn't mean that we should never listen to how we are feeling, but it is important to not take them as the one and only answer. 

Just because something happens out of your control doesn't mean it gets to completely change the narrative. Don't give a moment or series of moments that much power. Identify what you know to be true and what God says is true and meditate on that. Your mind will believe what you tell it, so make sure you're filling it with what's real and not lies you've built from half-truths. 

For example, I started a new position this year and while I am beyond excited I am also filled with loads of anxiety. I am afraid that I won't do the job justice and that maybe I wasn't the best choice for these students. The moment that I begin to focus on those feelings, then I immediately begin to conclude that I am unqualified and not a good fit. I know that those last two statements are not true. The only truth is that I am new to the position and may lack knowledge that others who have been doing it longer will have. That doesn't mean I won't learn or pick up that knowledge. However, it's hard to not allow my feelings to run away and create their own story when I'm feeling so unsure. The same can be said for emotions rooted in anger or sadness or jealousy. The thing is I know that I wouldn't have been hired or chosen if the higher-ups didn't think I was capable, and I know that God wouldn't have opened that door for me if He didn't want me there. So it's in those moments where I make myself say (sometimes out loud) that I am nervous about my new job, BUT I am ecstatic to be trying something new and I will do my best to give it my all. I can give my feelings space to be seen, but not let them be the ones stealing the show. 

It's exhausting fighting this battle every day about so many aspects of my life, but I would rather fight than just roll over and give up. 

I had a friend tell me once that I tend to have a "balls to the wall" mentality which can be great but also can be detrimental at the same time. It's what sometimes gets me in trouble and leads me to make not well thought out decisions. It's also what leads to burnout when that same passion isn't returned or extended to me. And it can be what fuels unnecessary spirals. All of that starts in my mind and with the emotions, I'm currently feeling and allowing to grow inside of me. I know that it might sound silly or even too easy of a concept, but truthfully sometimes it is that simple. Taking control back starts with the thoughts you are allowing yourself to think.

 If I'm learning anything in this season, it is to truly believe that God is exactly who He says He is, and He ALWAYS comes through. I think this is important to get through my thick, stubborn skull because if that is the truth I live by, then I need to remember what He says about me when I start to spiral in my mind. At the end of the day,  I can either choose to believe the lies that are growing from insecurity, or I can fight them with the truth from the One who calls me valuable. I don't know about you, but I would rather listen to someone that lifts me up versus someone who tears me down.

If you're like me, struggling with some of these feelings, please know I see you, I feel you, and you're not alone. One of my many favorite quotes is: "Life is tough, darling, but so are you." 

Choose to stand up to the lies the enemy plants and let's fight back. We control our minds and all of our thoughts, and to be honest, he isn't even that creative. The only way he gets power is by us handing it over to him. Don't forget that you were created by the Alpha and Omega of the Universe. Stand tall and walk forward with the confidence of knowing you are chosen by the One who is always faithful. 

Just Be.

At the start of this year, I felt confident that my word of the year was growth. After finally reaching a place of restoring myself in many ways, logically I thought the next step was to expand on these new findings and grow into more of the person God wants me to be. In my mind everything centered around going and doing more. Trying harder. Striving higher. And yet ironically, the last couple of weeks I have felt this incessant fight within me to just be. Be still. Be content. Be listening. Be firm. Be confident. Be quiet.

I started doubting my word. Maybe I got it wrong. I felt like I was missing something or that no matter how hard I tried to fill the void it still wasn't working. And then there that feeling would come again. Just be. Be exactly where you are right now. Don't look ahead. Don't look behind. Just be. For someone who talks incredibly fast, whose brain moves a thousand miles a moment, and who walks with a purpose (I get ridiculously annoyed with slow walkers) this concept of just being still is incredibly difficult. I mean truly the task seems near impossible. I have places to go, people to see, things to do. However, that feeling keeps coming back to me. Just be. 

What if there is growth in being content exactly where you are placed instead of constantly trying to be somewhere else? What if instead of trying to work towards the next thing I start appreciating what's right in front of me? I'm learning there is joy to be found in the simple, everyday tasks. To start being grateful for the small details we so often miss because of the hustle of trying to get somewhere else. 

I want to be the slow and steady. Not the coming in hot and burning out quickly I am so notorious for. I want to show up and say what do you need? I want to be the hands and feet of Christ and do it for the simple fact that everyone deserves someone in their corner. I want to be the one that can fight for the person that feels like they can't anymore. I want to hold the hand of the person that feels like they can't take the next step, so I whisper encouragements to hold on and keep moving. I want to notice the way someone smiles and if it reaches their eyes or not. I want to be the one that can just sit and hold space with someone who needs it without filling the void with words. I believe that comes with learning to just be. 

You'd think the idea of slowing down and taking a step back would be a delightful one, but this control freak actually finds it daunting. What if I miss something important? What if I don't try and not doing becomes a failure in and of itself? How does one just be? How do you just stop and breathe and let your mind be exactly where your body is rather than running ahead? 

My prayer lately has been that regardless of what happens in my life I want to remember that God is still and always will be good. He is working in my life and weaving all the pieces together for my good and His glory. I have to learn to be patient and allow Him to work rather than putting a time limit and parameters on Him. I have to learn to sit instead of trying to look for the next thing. If you know anything about me, you know that the simple task of sitting still is not one that I do well. However, I just feel this constant reminder to plant my feet and be present in the exact moment I am in. Relish all the pieces of that moment- good and bad. This moment will not last, so enjoy it while it's here because you won't get it back. How much sweeter would life be if we could live each moment exactly as it is rather than constantly trying to move ahead and figure it all out? I've noticed that when I do take a breath and slow down I begin to see just how well God works in the tiny details. That even in the smallest most insignificant ways He is moving and listening to us. His love for us is so vast and deep that we can never truly comprehend it, but he shows us daily just how much. I want to be willing to see it rather than missing it completely. 

I don't know what the future holds. I wish I did. I wish I knew what I was walking towards and what to expect. If I did, then I would know how to prepare and what steps to take to get me there. I think in this season though God is continually challenging me to just trust Him. To take steps forward in faith rather than in the knowledge of what's to come. This is scary for me. I love surprises, but not this kind. This season I am in has been amazing in so many ways, and God has been faithful even when things didn't pan out how I anticipated. I know that He is walking with me, before me, and behind me. That continues to prove itself true each day, but man what I wouldn't give to know what He sees ahead. Then again not knowing is just another opportunity to trust Him. Relax and let Him do the heavy lifting. Chris Renzema has a song called "I Don't Wanna Go" that I have listened to over and over again this week, and it's been a solid reminder that I don't want to go anywhere that God isn't taking me. I want to be exactly where God is because He is enough.

He is present in every moment, and He is listening to every heart-filled cry. He will never leave us or forsake us even when we desert Him. He is moving in the chaos of your soul and the stillness of each fleeting moment. He is in the crashing of every single wave and in the blooming of each bud. He is in every valley and on every mountain top. He is working all things out for our good. Always. 

So I know that I need to just be. I know that I need to relax and let go. I need to lean into His gentle reminders that He has it all figured out, so I don't have to. I get to sit still and breathe while He does all the work because He can and will. My job right now is to be exactly where my feet are, with my palms facing up, and surrendering everything to the one who knows me best. There's a lot of unknowns in my life right now, but there are also so many things to be grateful for, so I'm choosing to focus on that. I need to trust the One who has literally always come through for me. In His presence, I need to just be. 

One Year.

 One year. 12 months. 365 days and then some. Countless hours and minutes. 

All of that and more to bring me to the place I am in exactly at this moment. If someone had told me a year ago that my life would look like it does now I'm not sure I would have believed them. I write this with a smile on my face because I am overwhelmed with emotion. I am so grateful to my family and the friendships I have formed, but most importantly to God for how incredibly faithful He has been to me. I can confidently say that I have experienced joy countless times in the last year, and I have never felt so mentally, emotionally, and physically healthy as I do right now. Sometimes I think back to a year or so ago and it makes my heart sad to think about the person I was. She was so lost and alone. She was hurting and so incredibly empty. I look back at pictures and the smile is plastered on because of all the turmoil in her heart. The thing I love now though is the fact that I get to use her as part of my story. I get the opportunity to use her to show others God's repeated blessings in my life. I wouldn't want to go back and relive it all, not even for a second, but I am grateful for my past because it brought me to exactly the point I am at today. My divorce gave me the chance to rebuild my life with a different, sturdier foundation. 

The thing about life is that it goes on whether we want it to or not. It continues on whether we are here or if we are no longer. Life is beyond us because we are not the only ones even if we continue to isolate ourselves. It would have been so easy to halfway put myself out there- to just do enough to get by. However, deep down, I knew I didn't want to waste this chance God was giving me to do better, be better. When I moved I told myself I wanted to be 100% in with wherever I went to church. I was not going to be someone who just showed up every week and slipped in and out without being noticed. If I was going to allow God to use me and my story, then I had to jump with both feet.  After my first Sunday at Life.Church I knew that God was doing something special there. By the end of the first month, I was plugged in with a life group and serving on Sundays and Wednesdays. It was genuinely the best decision I could have ever made. The people I have met there have changed my life and have given me the space to be exactly who God wants me to be- broken bits and all. So many people saw me for me, and I didn't have to fit into anyone's boxes before being loved. It was like a breath of fresh air I didn't even know was possible or how desperately I needed it. 

Another thing I promised myself was a full year focusing solely on my relationship with God. I told myself I wanted to experience Him like never before. And I did just that. I kept my word. I put in the work and pushed myself in ways I never have before, and if I'm being honest, there was a part of me that expected a certain result at that year mark. I'm not saying I didn't or don't see all the amazing changes that have taken place in my life, but what do you do when you reach your goal and it doesn't exactly meet your expectation? Part of me feels like all the positive things are overshadowed by the simple fact that I'm not where I thought I would be. Sometimes I feel like I'm left the same as I started and maybe at times I even start to feel worse because my expectations haven't been met. Therein lies the problem: unrealistic expectations. Even as I write this I know how silly and selfish all that sounds. God has done some BIG things in my life and has moved in major ways, so now because it's a year later I'm upset because it doesn't look exactly as I anticipated? Ungrateful, much? 

I say all of that to show I'm human. Not that I should use that as an excuse, but to prove that even those that feel like they're on the mountaintop have some serious valley moments in the midst of all the happiness. It's my whole two emotions existing at once. Truly if someone was in my brain I think they would run screaming for the hills. I know I'm exhausting. This year I know I need to quit trying to plan ahead. I need to learn to be in the now. I need to be exactly where my feet are and where I planted all those seeds. I need to care for each one and give them space and time to grow. I want to enjoy every small and mundane thing because there is joy to be found there. Why put in all the hard work if you're just going to fly by and not appreciate all the small victories along the way? It's important to celebrate each one. They should be remembered because life isn't always sunshine and rainbows. 

I can't tell you how many moments I have had along the way where I wanted to give up because it hurt too much or just seemed like my past was going to keep popping up wherever I looked. The shame and the guilt, at times, have felt too much to bear. However, I remember reading the following somewhere and it was a swift kick in the gut: "Why do you keep reminding me of what my son died to redeem? Was His death not enough for you?" And oof. I mean truly talk about a slap across the face. I remember reading and rereading that and realizing that I can either tightly cling to all the mess that God has already taken from me or I can let it go and allow God to do a new thing in my life and truly accept His absolutely free gift. The thing is the past is the past. It's there. I can't change it and I can't remove it. My only option is to surrender it to God, ask for forgiveness, and then take small steps forward. God's grace is enough and it washes over me like a tidal wave. Again and again and again. So why fight it and explain all the ways I don't deserve it because I absolutely do not- when I can accept it and use my story to show others exactly who He is and what He has done for me. 

I am learning to trust in exactly who God is and know that the plans He has for me are greater than anything I could ask or imagine. In the last few months whenever I start to have doubts, I hear this small voice from God in the back of my mind asking, but do you trust me? I want to say yes, but how many times do I end up just like the Israelites quickly forgetting all the ways God has come through for me? How many times do I receive "manna," but I find myself asking (probably more like whining) for "quail" instead? It's a reality check because I can't just say those words. I have to live a life that is a reflection of them. 

Christine Caine once said, "I have learned to place what I do know about God above what I don't know about the future." Worry leads to stress which leads to anxiety and that's just a dark path that I don't want dictating my life. I have no idea what the future holds. Do I get impatient? Of course. I want to get married again and experience it exactly how God designed it. I want to be a mom and know what it's like to hold my child in my arms. Do I get frustrated? Absolutely. So many things have aligned in my life, seemingly perfect, only for them to disappear just as quickly. It's irritating and confusing, and sometimes I just want to shout, I've done the work, God, how much longer do I have to keep working? However, I know that I don't want all those things my way. Been there, done that - it doesn't work. I just need to show up, take the first step, and then keep going. One small step at a time.

Many times though I see other people and it's hard to not want what they have or want to be where they are at in life. I mean social media makes it so easy now to live in a constant state of comparison. It's the whole the grass is always greener on the other side situation. Inevitably someone's response to that is usually well the grass is greenest where you water it. Yet there are many times where I think, God I am literally drowning my grass by giving it all the water I can, and I'm still here with what seems to be, at the moment, no change. However, when I take a step back and stop trying so hard, I can see just how far I've come in a year - truly my grass is flourishing. Maybe not in the way that I anticipated or thought, but I'm growing the most beautiful garden with the help of a mighty God and that is something to be thankful for. I need to be like the horses that race with blinders on so I can avoid the distractions and lies around me that make me think where I'm at is less than desirable. My race, my story is all mine and can't be compared to anyone else's. God is using me exactly how He wants and I'm learning to trust in His timing. Not my will, but His. 

I edited and re-edited and cut and pasted this entry so many times because it was mixed with so many positive and then negative emotions. I felt like I was going to be giving anyone who reads this entry whiplash. Honestly, though that's a perfect representation of this last year. Both good and bad. Pretty and messy. Smooth and bumpy. Content and distraught. And the best part is God is present in all of it. He's there even when I don't feel it or see it or remotely understand it. He's there in the midst of the storm and in the peace of the calm.  He's there working everything together for His glory. And I for one could not be more thankful for his patience with me and all my emotions. 

2020 was a really hard year for so many reasons and for so many people besides myself, but I didn't hate it. I might even be the crazy one that says I enjoyed it because it's where I rediscovered myself and I got to experience God like never before. This last year has taught me that I am resilient. I am kind. I am stronger than I think. I am beautiful- inside and out. I am passionate and bring light into this world. I can do hard things and new things. I am NOT defined by my past. I am worthy of being loved. And most importantly, I am chosen by God.

Guess what. 

So are you. 

No matter the past. No matter the mess. No matter the doubts.

A lot can change in a year. Are you willing to take the first step?

Thoughts from a 2

I love enneagrams, and I do realize that they aren't the end all be all, but I love how it has helped me understand myself a little better during this growth period in my life. Even if you believe there's only some truth in them, I still think something can be said for just feeling seen by others who are similar in number to you. Sometimes when I read things about others who identify as the same number as me, I have this moment where I can just exhale because someone else gets it and understands me. They have gone through some of the same spirals or irrational thinking. They have thought the same thought as me or have struggled with the same struggles. When you know that you aren't isolated by your experiences it can open so many doors to places and people you didn't even know were possible. I know that I am not the only one who feels this way because I know of several friends and other people I have come across that not only know their enneagram number but have researched them as well. However, I do have other friends that view them like they're a horoscope and they don't want to put much stock into them. Either way- it doesn't matter to me because my experience and my life aren't theirs. We are all entitled to our own opinions, and I personally love the enneagram and all I have learned from it.

My enneagram number is a two, which is known as the Helper. They are known as the caring interpersonal type and the enneagram institute uses words like generous, people-pleasing, possessive, and demonstrative to describe them. A two's deepest desire is to be loved, but their biggest fear is of being unwanted or unloved. They have a strong desire to be needed and appreciated and they enjoy expressing their feelings. I'm not sure that I could be any more of a two based on all of those simple explanations. In three sentences my entire being is given a definition. I might be exaggerating slightly, but honestly, that truly does sum me up in the simplest sense. On paper the definition of a two sounds like rainbows and sunshine, however, when they are unhealthy it can be not so great. I have seen this play out in my own life, specifically in my last relationship.

The Enneagram Institute states, "Average to unhealthy Twos seek validation of their worth by obeying their superego’s demands to sacrifice themselves for others. They believe they must always put others first and be loving and unselfish if they want to get love. The problem is that “putting others first” makes Twos secretly angry and resentful, feelings they work hard to repress or deny. " For years, I felt like I had to earn his love and I fought tooth and nail to prove that I was worthy and lovable. And just like the quote says I did become angry and resentful at times because it felt like no matter what I did it was never enough. However, when I was finally able to get out of that unhealthy situation I was able to see how wrong that thought process was. Now that doesn't mean I am all of the sudden a perfect, healthy two because I still struggle with that thinking as my default. If I just do enough, say enough, love hard enough, then whoever will see that and in turn give me love and appreciation. I'm continually breaking myself of this habit, but I can attest that it is getting easier. I believe this is because I have taken the time to reflect on myself and all the choices I have made thus far in order to try and understand who I am. More importantly, though I have taken the time to turn to Jesus to discover who I am in Him and what He says about me. 

While many people don't see the validity of the enneagram, I believe that reading about my type has really helped me begin to see maybe why I made some of the choices that I did or ones that I continue to make. I'm not saying I can use my type as an excuse, but it does help me see what I tend to lean towards when I'm feeling a certain way and it helps me give names to feelings and emotions that I may not have been able to identify prior. Like I said previously, this is not the end all be all, but if you had the chance to even attempt to understand yourself and your inner workings better, wouldn't you want that opportunity? I have also taken the time to read into other enneagram types, which I believe is helping me to understand how to interact with others in a more productive way. For example, I have several friends that are nines, and I know they definitely do not thrive off confrontation. Knowing this information can help me determine how to approach them in a way that won't make them feel attacked or ambushed if I have to discuss an issue with them. Your number doesn't define you or limit you, but I do believe it can provide interesting information about yourself that you may have never thought about. 

I follow a couple different accounts on Instagram, and one of my favorites is @chalkandleaves and she shared this post a while back that really stuck with me. 

Enneagram Two Reminders:

1) You are not responsible for everyone else's feelings. 

2) Letting someone help you doesn't make you useless or less lovable. 

3) You don't need praise or a "thank you" for your good acts to be good. 

4) Carrying other people's emotions and stress won't make them better. 

5) Taking a break does not make you selfish. 

6)You don't have to do something just because someone asks you nicely. 

7) You might need to step away from the situation to find clarity. 

8) Canceling a plan to take care of yourself doesn't make you a bad friend. 

9) Please remember to breathe. 

As a two, I have had to learn that I won't get everyone's love and appreciation. I have to get to a place where God's love and appreciation are more than enough, and anyone else's is like the sprinkles on top of an ice cream sundae. I'm also learning that I'm not responsible for someone else's emotions. As much as the fixer in me wants to smooth everything over for each person I meet that's hurting - it just isn't feasible, no matter how hard I might try. I am only in control of myself and my actions, and I want to make sure that whatever I do is a reflection of Christ. God has created me this way, so I want to use my helper ways to bring glory to Him and Him alone. I don't need to be chasing after someone else's affections because it's not going to bring me the validation I desire. The only person that can do that is Jesus. I wasted so much time running towards all the wrong things, but how lucky am I that my God is a God of second and third and one hundred plus chances. I continue to see this truth play out as I read through Genesis and it blows me away how completely faithful God is to His people even when they didn't deserve it. He is a God of restoration, and He continues to restore me every single day. 

So I'll wear my label as a 2 proudly, and continue to pray that God will shape and grow my tendencies to be used by Him. I'm going to lean into the fact that I love being there for others, but also recognize when I need to show up for myself. Boundaries can be hard because I hate disappointing people, however, sometimes they're necessary and important to set for my own sanity. I'm grateful for the way God has designed me, and I'm excited to see how He continues to push and change me into more of who He has called me to be. 

PS: If you ever want to talk enneagram, I'm your girl. 

Seeds

Welcome to 2021! We have all been eagerly awaiting this new year, and I think many of us have very high expectations for what this year will look like compared to last year. However, the cynical side of me doesn't have that high of hopes. All the hoopla of ringing in the new year only for the following days to look like the previous ones from the previous year. I recognize how horribly depressing that sounds, but I'm just trying to be realistic. We find ourselves in the same season we were just in except this time a different year. I don't want to be ungrateful for the place that I'm in, but I find myself sick of the monotony of it all. I'm ready for something new, something life-changing, but then I ask myself if this is really what I want or not because with those things comes hard things. Am I prepared to do the work it requires to start something new or take steps forward into the unknown or do I just enjoy the sound of it? I'm scared to hear myself say the answer out loud because I know what I want to believe I would say. I guess it depends on the day that you ask me, but then I think about the last year of my life. The year of 2020 was an incredibly hard year for me. However, last year showed me I can. Amidst all the pain and uncertainty, God took my heartache and turned it into something so much better than I could have imagined. I put in the work during 2020 to make myself see and understand my worth that now I want to put it to good use. I chose the word enough as my one word for 2020, and I feel strongly that I achieved that. I believe 2021 is the year for me to push myself. 

God laid the word growth on my heart. I think this word has multiple meanings for me in this new year. For starters, I think it means growing in my understanding of who God is and building my relationship with Him. I think it means growing beyond myself and asking God how He plans to use me to help others. I spent a lot of time focusing on myself last year, which I truly needed, but now I have to grow outside of the comfort zone I've created. There are seeds He has planted in me and I have no idea what to do with them. He's done the planting, but I need to do the work of caring for them.  Seeds are just seeds unless they are tended to and given the water and nutrients they need to grow. This last week we had a guest speaker at church and he shared the story of Death Valley and how in 2005 this random rain poured down over the desert, which resulted in a  valley of gorgeous, blooming flowers. The seeds were always there, but they weren't being tended to in order to allow them to grow. He said God has planted seeds in all of us to be the people He designed us to be, but it's up to us to help them grow. That one line had my mind spiraling as I sat in my seat attempting to listen to the rest of the message. 

 My struggle has always been what am I good at? What do I enjoy doing? My answer has literally been the same since I was a child: reading and writing. Of course, I enjoy doing other things, but those are the two things that I really love that are considered productive. I can't do a whole lot with watching tv and movies although they just fill my head with unrealistic fantasies. What if my whole life God has been planting seeds in my heart and I've just been ignoring or discounting them? Also, I don't even know what those seeds are and honestly, I wonder how does one figure that out? This last year I spent time rediscovering things that I enjoy like running, rock climbing (although I'm not very good), blogging (verdict is still out if I'm truly a writer), listening to new music, and then this is where I draw a blank. I know I did more things and I know that I like more things, but I constantly sell myself short and I can't think of anything else. Then I go down the spiral of what if those things are enough, but the world is telling me I need more? Or the opposite- what if that isn't enough and I don't know myself as well as I thought I did. Does anyone else have these spirals randomly? Please tell me I'm not the only crazy one in this world.

Growing up, I always said I wanted to be an author, but it was one of those pipe dreams that I never really believed could come true. Recently, my desire to be a writer, like a real one with a well-known blog or book, has been revived. I feel as though it potentially is one of those seeds God has planted in my heart, but I don't know what that looks like for me. There are a handful of writers that make me feel so incredibly seen, and I want to be that for someone. I want to make someone feel like they aren't alone because of the words that I craft. I want to be the one that gives someone the space to breathe and realize they don't have to have it all together even though I literally just went on a tangent about how I'm trying to have it all together. Unrealistic expectations for myself much? I'm always way more willing to give grace upon grace to others, but I always struggle to do the same for myself. I know at the end of the day all anyone needs is God, but I pray that He could use me to be a light to someone; to be a bridge to getting to know Him better.  When I voice that dream out loud it just seems like an impossible feat, and all I can hear in my head is how insane I am to think that out of nowhere I could just write a book. Who am I to think that my story is worth telling? This constant battle of feeling like I'm not the only one to have gone through the things I did, so I'm definitely not special. And yet isn't that the reason I should be writing? The fact that I'm not the only one, and I could be putting words to my experiences with the chance they might make it to someone who needs to know that they are not the only one. It's crazy how one day I can feel so firm in who I am and the next day be questioning every single little thing. 

I think this is the part where I have to put in the work to tend the seeds God has given me, but I'm not sure where to begin, so I tend to shut down before I even start to try. I don't want to be a quitter, but I have to figure out how to be a starter first. So here I am in this season of limbo- this season of I know I have a lot to offer and I know that I am so incredibly blessed by God, but also this season of I feel stuck. This season of feeling like what in the world am I supposed to be doing because I'm not where I thought I was supposed to be. I'm tired of being seeds. I want to be blooming flowers and towering, strong trees. I want to be planted and building roots and growing more into the person God has called me to be. I know what people would say though: It takes time. All good and great things take time. Ugh. I get it, patience. Honestly, maybe that should have been my word for 2021. There's always next year I guess. I guarantee that my lessons for that particular word are not going to diminish anytime soon. In the meantime, I'm going to do my best to tend to the seeds He has so graciously given me and begin to take small steps forward. So here's to 2021 and growing into more of the person God has always desired me to be. 

Declare a Victory

It's been a hot minute since I sat down to write, and I think it's because I have had so many thoughts running through my mind that I'm overloaded. I should have been taking the time to write and get them out to organize them, but I was feeling overwhelmed, so I avoided it. I realize that's never the answer in dealing with things, but that's just where I was at. I had too many emotions coursing through me, and I wasn't slowing down to analyze and pray over them. I just kept telling myself I was fine. I was stuck in this state of feeling lonely, but also guilty for that feeling because I knew how much I had to be thankful for. Don't get me wrong, I know I am incredibly blessed with the people I have in my corner and who continue to pray over me and lift me up. Yet I still felt so isolated, and I felt like every day was a battle to claw my way out of negativity and doubt. I got incredibly good at hiding how I was feeling and putting on a front for so long that sometimes it's hard to break that cycle. Sometimes it's easier to act like I'm fine and to keep pushing through, but the problem with that is then nothing changes. I became exhausted trying to constantly keep my emotions in check and to act like I had it all together. Most days I just wanted to cry because I'm not where I wanted to be, doing what I wanted to do. Yet had I stayed where I was, had I changed nothing- I would be miserable and without God. I felt like the world's biggest oxymoron. How can I finally have what I have wanted for so long- feeling safe, plugged in at church, supportive friends, loving family, etc and still be wishing or searching for something more? Why is it so hard to be content in the present without constantly looking forward? 

I have never been so at peace in my life while also feeling so much turmoil. The last month or so has been really tough emotionally for many reasons, and as I was riding that rollercoaster I found myself starting to shut down and not be real or transparent with people and for me that's a problem. I lived that life and I will not do it again. I don't want to go back to being a shell of a person because that is not who God designed me to be. Deep down I knew I needed to write because I feel that's where I express myself best. There have been so many things God has laid on my heart, but I chose to ignore and in doing so I have lost those thoughts. It makes me sad because I believe that's how God speaks to me and how He uses me to speak to others. I feel like I have allowed the devil to weasel his way in, instead of being on guard and reminding myself of God's truths- I let the darkness bury me. It always happens so slowly. I think that's what makes the devil so good at what he does. It's one little thing there and another little thing here, so that you don't suspect him. And because I wasn't doing the things that needed done to build and grow my relationship with God, I believe that made me more susceptible to his antics. He found every single weak spot and was targeting it with all his might. In the last couple of weeks I have decided that I'm done with his crap. I'm done laying down and taking it because I did that for far too long, and I refuse to slip back into old patterns. I serve a big and mighty God who has redeemed and is continuing to redeem me each and every day. God is taking my mistakes, my darkness and He is uprooting and replanting them. He is creating a beautiful garden in His name, for His glory. My guilt and shame is washed away as He is "watering" my garden with His truths and love for me. 

It's really easy to sit in the darkness, to feel buried and alone. Things keep piling on and rather than trying to dig our way out we sit. We give up. It's inevitable that we will get buried again, right? That's where I was at. I was letting those negative thoughts and emotions grow and build and in turn I was killing the garden God was trying to grow in me. I was choosing to accept defeat, accept less than, accept that things wouldn't change. And they won't unless I start fighting back. God has never and will never leave my side. In fact, there is literally nothing I could ever do that would cause Him to walk away from me. Let that sink in. Read it again. In fact, I'll say it again. There is not one single thing that you could ever do that would make God stop loving you, pursuing you, chasing you, calling out to you- so get up. Step up into the light. Put on the full armor of God and prepare for battle. Declare victory over a battle that is already won in His name. 

Thankfully, I'm not where I was a couple weeks ago. I'm honestly in the best place, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, than I have been in in a long time, but that's because I'm learning to declare the battle already won. Darkness cannot and will not exist where light is present, so I'm choosing to let the light permeate every single part of my life- the good, the bad, and the downright ugly because I don't want to isolate myself. I was called to a higher purpose, and I have one life. I've already spent too much time not being who God called me to be, and I won't do it again. 

Tomorrow I am choosing to rededicate my life and be baptized. There are not enough words to express how absolutely excited I am about this decision. God has proved faithful to me 1000x over, and this is something I have been praying about, and I feel like can show God my faithfulness to Him. I am shouting from the rooftops that the victory is His and His alone. I know that there are going to be times where I feel the same as I did from what I mentioned above, but and there is a major but here, God is bigger than it all. Hands down. No argument. I was bought at the price of His son, and I don't know about you, but that's a pretty dadgum big sacrifice He made for me and my mess I have created. So it's not even a question in my mind that I will do everything in my power to live a life that is pleasing to Him because of everything He has given to me. You always have a choice. This time I want to make sure that I'm choosing the light. I'm choosing His goodness and His mercy and His truths. I can't earn it. I don't deserve it. God gives it anyway. End of story. 

To close I want to share a song that a friend shared with me today. It is called, Battle Belongs by Phil Wickham, and it's incredibly powerful. Ironically, she had no idea that I had been working on a blog post about all of this, so I know this was 100% God using her to affirm things He had laid on my heart. Here are the opening verses: 

When all I see is the battle, You see my victory

When all I see is the mountain, You see a mountain moved

And as I walk through the shadow, Your love surrounds me

There's nothing to fear now for I am safe with you. 

Never in my life have I been so thankful for a God that is walking before me, beside me, and behind me. This life is not mine, but His. Not my will but Yours be done Jesus. 

Turbulence

Turbulence, like many of you probably already know, is what you experience on an airplane when it goes through unsteady winds and it's not really something you can prepare for. Instead, you almost anxiously wait for it to happen and when it does you have to trust the pilot and just ride it out. It can be small jolts lasting only a moment or two, but other times it might make you grip the armrest tightly and feel never-ending. It's something that interrupts your otherwise smooth ride when trying to get from point A to point B. It's inconvenient, sometimes scary, but it does eventually end. You might experience it again later in your flight or it could just be the one time or if you're lucky not at all. I feel like grief is similar. You can prepare for it in the sense that you know you may experience it, but you're not sure when or if you actually will. You don't know if it's going to last a moment, an hour, a day, a week, or a whole month. It can come out of nowhere. You're on a smooth ride and everything is truly great, but then it hits you, and like how you trust the pilot to bring you through, I have to trust God to bring me through when these moments hit. Sometimes it's the easiest thought to call on Him and other days it's a battle because the feelings are deep and dark and oftentimes all-consuming. 

Grief is weird. I feel like I have said that sentence more times than I can count in the last several months, but it just shows up and often at the worst of times. I will literally have days and weeks where I feel so joyful and whole, but then something will trigger me and the next day is almost debilitating with emotions. I find myself wondering if everything was a bad dream and I have to walk myself through certain events to remind myself that it was real. Trauma and its aftermath is a doozy, and it's definitely not something that is meant to be dealt with on your own. I recently stopped seeing my counselor because of the move, and I was so confident that I was fine and doing great, but one of those days knocked me off my feet, and I felt so much sadness and anger if I'm being honest. Part of me just wanted to keep laying on the couch doing nothing, but then this other part of me that I have been growing and cultivating told me to get up and move forward. It didn't instantly change all my feelings, but instead of letting them control me, I made a conscious choice to not stay in them. I verbalized my emotions to myself- yes, I am still at times incredibly angry, sad, and hurt, however, I have never felt so safe and happy and excited about my future. So I clung to the latter feelings, knowing that I have to keep taking those steps forward because I am headed in the right direction even if it doesn't always feel like it. 

I think being Type A also makes it hard to wait and trust for everything to fall into place. I very much want to know what is my next goal or what is the next thing I am working towards. This in turn sometimes causes me to question God and my purpose, which I think questioning isn't wrong, but it's easy to fall into the rabbit hole of "woe is me" and not actually do anything to change it or find answers. Today Pastor Craig shared a sermon which is the first one in the new series: Called. It was exactly what I needed to hear because it focused on God's calling for us. For me, I always think about this as a specific job or place, but he shared that our calling is "about WHO you are before WHAT you do." So simple, and yet so easily confused. The ultimate reason we were put on this earth is to serve and love others in order to share the good news that is Jesus Christ. We are called to be like Jesus, so in turn, that is WHO we are called to become rather than WHAT we are called to be doing. He shared that "WHO you are is way more important than WHAT you do," which I think as humans can be really hard for us because we want our actions to be recognized and pointed out. We live to be noticed by the things we do rather than the people we are. However, in our calling to be like Jesus it is through that that we learn what we need to be doing. When we are faithful from the big to the small things, then we are doing what we were called to do. It's hard for me to not want an exact assignment or task, but I'm slowly realizing that through being faithful by serving, praying, sharing my story, etc. that is in turn fulfilling my call even if it doesn't always feel like it. One of my favorite quotes from the sermon is "the size of your assignment does not determine its significance." Pastor Craig shared the example of David and Goliath and the story of feeding the 5000. In those moments, they had no idea that something so small and seemingly insignificant would have the impact it did. I have to quit looking for my next task and learn to be content in the season that I'm in. I am working through grief and it sucks, but instead of being constantly upset with myself for not moving fast enough or for still having moments of sadness, I have to learn to accept where I am at in my journey and trust God will guide me through as long as I am living for and serving Him with integrity, passion, and faithfulness. Success is not measured by all the things that I accomplish, but rather by how faithful I am to Jesus. It might just be that I am fulfilling my call by rediscovering myself and who I am in Christ as I work through all my emotions, and that's enough. 

Just like turbulence slows down a trip and creates a bumpier ride- grief may slow down the timeline of healing (in my mind) and make it a longer experience to get through. However, in order to move past it, you have to go through it and allow yourself to feel everything. If a pilot chose to speed through the bumpiness it could put everyone in danger and rushing through the tumultuous winds could cause more problems rather than solving the current one. Sometimes you have to take the hard, slow road in order to get to the place where God wants you to be. Experiencing the feelings of "unsteadiness" can be jarring and difficult, but staying on the course allows for moments of growth which ultimately will lead to healing. And in this thing called life, God is our ultimate pilot, so we have to rely on Him to steer us through everything. He promises in Hebrews 13 that He will never leave us nor forsake us, and He has proved that to be continually true in my life. So bring on the turbulence because it's in those moments where God holds me the closest and when I cling to Him the tightest. Plus, it's generally in these places where God reveals Himself and it allows for some truly amazing opportunities for trust and growth. Grief is hard, but I believe working through the turbulence in my life (my emotions) will make me stronger and wiser for the road ahead that He has prepared for me. 

To end I want to share a new song I heard this morning at church called, "Graves into Gardens," by Elevation Worship. It was one of those moments where I felt like God really wanted me to lean in and hear His promises to me through the song's message, and in my current state of life, I felt like it could not have been more fitting. Below I have shared a small section of the lyrics that spoke to me, but honestly, the whole song is amazing and everyone should listen to it. 

I'm not afraid

To show You my weakness

My failures and flaws

Lord, You've seen them all

And You still call me friend

'Cause the God of the mountain

Is the God of the valley

There's not a place

Your mercy and grace

Won't find me again

Oh, there's nothing better than You

There's nothing better than You

Lord, there's nothing

Nothing is better than You

(I know it's true)

I've said it before and I'll say it again, my life is not my own, and my God continues to reign victorious. When I experience those mind-numbing moments of grief, because I know it will happen again at some point, I have a choice, and I will continue to choose Him and His truths every single time. 

Enough.

My whole life I have struggled with the constant need to be liked. I am a people pleaser through and through and it kills me when I think I have upset someone or if I think someone isn't a fan of me. I feel like I have to be the one to fix it; to prove that I'm likable or that I fit in. Many times I was trying to fix problems that weren't even my fault, but I would apologize anyway. It was always terrifying to me to be on the outside, always feeling like I was involved, but never really chosen. I believed that I had to fit the mold or reach a certain standard and I would do almost anything to achieve that. I pushed aside people, things, morals, whatever it took to feel like I belonged. Most of the time it would last only a moment, and then I would find myself doing it all again for something or someone else. I was so unsatisfied with myself that I kept searching for the next thing that was going to make me feel better even if only temporary. Inevitably, the things that I thought I wanted were the same things that drained me and left me feeling empty. 

Social media makes it really easy to lie and give off the image that everything is perfect and wonderful. I didn't want to be viewed as someone who was broken or didn't have it together, so if I posted the right picture with the right caption and I received tons of likes from it, then it made me feel better and I could continue living like everything was fine. The thing is I was far from fine. I got really good at hiding my unhappiness because I would believe the lies that I told myself. I would create stories in my mind to make everything be better or provide explanations for others' actions, so I could justify the situation. I was unhappy for so long that it became my new normal, and honestly, I believed that if I tried harder or did more that it would get better. Usually, me trying harder or doing more didn't even get recognized, which only had me doing those things even more. Or on not so good days I would spiral and overanalyze why my efforts weren't working. For the last 27 years of my life, the question I have repeatedly asked myself is, "Why am I not enough?"

First, it was with family because I knew they had certain expectations and standards. So if I felt like I wasn't achieving that whether it be academics or otherwise I had a hard time feeling like I was letting them down. Then it was with friends. I was involved in so many activities that I had friends in a lot of places but because of that I never truly felt like I was on the inside. Then as I got older I worked a lot to pay for the things that I wanted to buy or experience. It felt like I was always busy when friends wanted to go do things, so it got to a point where they stopped asking me because I almost always had to say no. When I did find acceptance I was too quick to take it without looking at what I was getting myself into. I run off my emotions, which I know is not always a good thing, and I'm working on it, but at the time I would say it fueled way too many of my decisions. Someone came along and made me feel loved and accepted. However, as time went on I wasn't getting treated the way I knew I deserved, but I was invested and I clung to all the good things rather than recognizing all the not so good. Every time something bad happened the first words that would fly out of my mouth were always: "Why am I not enough?" I had this belief that I was responsible for other people's actions like I could fix it if only I worked hard enough. That logic is incredibly silly. I am not responsible for how others react or behave, and I hate that it took me this long to realize that truth.

For far too long I have lived my life for all the wrong things, and I was looking for love and acceptance from people and things that cannot satisfy. I lost myself by trying to be everything when it was not necessarily even being asked of me. I was so desperate to feel like I was enough with others that I didn't stop to consider that I am, on my own, and the people that deserve to be in my life will see that and know it too. I'm not saying I didn't have people who thought that about me, but I was so far gone in my own head and actions that I didn't believe them. Not to mention that the one person I so desperately wanted it from wasn't making me feel that way. I was so far down a rabbit hole that I was blinded from so many truths and partially unwilling to acknowledge them because I felt like I wasn't enough and I wouldn't ever be because of choices I had made.

And then my life blew up. My whole world turned upside down, and I finally realized it isn't me. I am enough. I didn't ask the question I had always asked because it was like I was finally seeing for the first time that truly as I am- I am enough. As cheesy as it sounds, that realization was incredibly freeing. I didn't cause others' actions and anything I did or could have done wouldn't have stopped them from making their own decisions. It didn't take away the hurt, but it finally allowed me to see that I deserve so much more. I have value and worth, and I'm tired of allowing others to take that away from me.

One thing my counselor told me to work on is being able to recognize my feelings and then compare them to reality. If the situation lends for me to apologize then do so, but if not, then take a step back and logically think through the situation and my emotions without letting them dictate my reaction. It seems so easy, and yet it tends to be more difficult than you think. I have to recognize that it is not my job to fix things. I can take ownership of my own actions and I can be hurt by others' actions, but I cannot change them to make myself feel better. I have to learn to accept people as they are and then learn to decide if I am going to allow them into my life or not. I have to learn when it is appropriate to walk away versus the people who are worth my time to stick it out with. This concept is even harder than the first. I don't like giving up, and I don't like feeling like I have failed at something or for someone. However, sometimes failure allows for the chance to do something again and do it better. Failure doesn't always have to be negative. It could easily be God's way of steering you in another direction. Part of learning and understanding that was by changing up my daily routines. One of the changes I have made in my life is to start the day off with Jesus whether it be through reading his word, devotional, prayer, listening to worship music, journaling, or all of the above. This time spent with Him sets me on the right track for my day and opens the line of communication to Him for the rest of the day as well. Through this, I quickly realized how faithful and attentive God is, and honestly the more He worked on my heart, the easier it was to have a better response when moments of insecurity popped up.

 At the beginning of the 2020 year, my pastor in Kansas shared a message about your one word for the year, and I instantly knew what my word would be: enough. I prayed over this and it continued to come up in my readings or things I would see. It was wild how God perfectly wove this word into my daily life and constantly reminded me of the truths behind it for Him and myself. From this word I believe that there are three things God wanted me to cling to and learn.

1) God is enough. No matter what trials I face or joys I experience, at the end of the day, God is all I need. My life may look different than I had originally hoped, but the purpose of my life isn't for me. My life is meant to be lived for Him, and that is enough for me.

2) I am enough. No one else gets to determine my value or dictate what I am worth. God created me in His perfect image, which means I have so much to offer. I have been blessed with many amazing things from Him, and it's past time I realize who I am and to whom I belong.

3) Enough is enough. Webster's Dictionary defines this phrase as: "to say that one wants something to stop because one can no longer accept or deal with it." Saying no or walking away or standing up for yourself is absolutely necessary and okay. You are never stuck and the future is unwritten. You don't have to settle or sell yourself short for someone else.

Something I have wanted for many, many years is a tattoo, and I chose to finally get one. I know many people won't agree with my decision, but I'm not living my life for others anymore. I have one life, so I'm done trying to fit someone else's expectations when the first person I need to be looking to is God. I am choosing to live my life for Him and only Him, and I prayed for months about this decision. I wanted to have a daily, physical reminder of who I am in Christ, so I chose my word. I chose this "scar," unlike the other "scars" I have in my life. And I choose to wear it proudly because it is a constant reminder of who God is and who I am in Him. I added the period at the end to emphasize there's no arguing it. God is enough. Period. I am enough. Period. Enough is enough. Period.

My good friend, Ciarra, took pictures of myself and my tattoo a few weeks ago, and when she shared the pictures with me I was overwhelmed and  I almost cried. I loved every single one. There wasn't a single picture that she sent me that I wanted to complain about. I am notorious for finding and pointing out little flaws in my pictures like my double chin, wobbly arms, crinkly eyes, etc. However, this time as I scrolled through each one I genuinely felt beautiful and I kept thinking to myself, I am enough. She perfectly captured my joy and my surrender to God and everything He has in store for me. I have looked over them several times and each time they just make me happier, and I am incredibly thankful to her for capturing these moments. I have shared a few of my favorites at the bottom of this post. 

I really want to get better at memorizing God's word and learning His truths that He has for us. In doing this one of my favorite scriptures that God laid on my heart to go along with my word and what it means to me is:

 

 "And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:38-39)

I love these verses because they are a fantastic reminder of God's immense grace and deep love for His children. I have been far from perfect, but He was always there waiting for me. My past is not my future, but I can use it to shape who I want to become. I may have many regrets, but instead of looking at them as baggage I am learning to see them as lessons, so I don't make the same mistakes again. And one day I pray that God will use my story to help someone else realize they are enough.