Declare a Victory

It's been a hot minute since I sat down to write, and I think it's because I have had so many thoughts running through my mind that I'm overloaded. I should have been taking the time to write and get them out to organize them, but I was feeling overwhelmed, so I avoided it. I realize that's never the answer in dealing with things, but that's just where I was at. I had too many emotions coursing through me, and I wasn't slowing down to analyze and pray over them. I just kept telling myself I was fine. I was stuck in this state of feeling lonely, but also guilty for that feeling because I knew how much I had to be thankful for. Don't get me wrong, I know I am incredibly blessed with the people I have in my corner and who continue to pray over me and lift me up. Yet I still felt so isolated, and I felt like every day was a battle to claw my way out of negativity and doubt. I got incredibly good at hiding how I was feeling and putting on a front for so long that sometimes it's hard to break that cycle. Sometimes it's easier to act like I'm fine and to keep pushing through, but the problem with that is then nothing changes. I became exhausted trying to constantly keep my emotions in check and to act like I had it all together. Most days I just wanted to cry because I'm not where I wanted to be, doing what I wanted to do. Yet had I stayed where I was, had I changed nothing- I would be miserable and without God. I felt like the world's biggest oxymoron. How can I finally have what I have wanted for so long- feeling safe, plugged in at church, supportive friends, loving family, etc and still be wishing or searching for something more? Why is it so hard to be content in the present without constantly looking forward? 

I have never been so at peace in my life while also feeling so much turmoil. The last month or so has been really tough emotionally for many reasons, and as I was riding that rollercoaster I found myself starting to shut down and not be real or transparent with people and for me that's a problem. I lived that life and I will not do it again. I don't want to go back to being a shell of a person because that is not who God designed me to be. Deep down I knew I needed to write because I feel that's where I express myself best. There have been so many things God has laid on my heart, but I chose to ignore and in doing so I have lost those thoughts. It makes me sad because I believe that's how God speaks to me and how He uses me to speak to others. I feel like I have allowed the devil to weasel his way in, instead of being on guard and reminding myself of God's truths- I let the darkness bury me. It always happens so slowly. I think that's what makes the devil so good at what he does. It's one little thing there and another little thing here, so that you don't suspect him. And because I wasn't doing the things that needed done to build and grow my relationship with God, I believe that made me more susceptible to his antics. He found every single weak spot and was targeting it with all his might. In the last couple of weeks I have decided that I'm done with his crap. I'm done laying down and taking it because I did that for far too long, and I refuse to slip back into old patterns. I serve a big and mighty God who has redeemed and is continuing to redeem me each and every day. God is taking my mistakes, my darkness and He is uprooting and replanting them. He is creating a beautiful garden in His name, for His glory. My guilt and shame is washed away as He is "watering" my garden with His truths and love for me. 

It's really easy to sit in the darkness, to feel buried and alone. Things keep piling on and rather than trying to dig our way out we sit. We give up. It's inevitable that we will get buried again, right? That's where I was at. I was letting those negative thoughts and emotions grow and build and in turn I was killing the garden God was trying to grow in me. I was choosing to accept defeat, accept less than, accept that things wouldn't change. And they won't unless I start fighting back. God has never and will never leave my side. In fact, there is literally nothing I could ever do that would cause Him to walk away from me. Let that sink in. Read it again. In fact, I'll say it again. There is not one single thing that you could ever do that would make God stop loving you, pursuing you, chasing you, calling out to you- so get up. Step up into the light. Put on the full armor of God and prepare for battle. Declare victory over a battle that is already won in His name. 

Thankfully, I'm not where I was a couple weeks ago. I'm honestly in the best place, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, than I have been in in a long time, but that's because I'm learning to declare the battle already won. Darkness cannot and will not exist where light is present, so I'm choosing to let the light permeate every single part of my life- the good, the bad, and the downright ugly because I don't want to isolate myself. I was called to a higher purpose, and I have one life. I've already spent too much time not being who God called me to be, and I won't do it again. 

Tomorrow I am choosing to rededicate my life and be baptized. There are not enough words to express how absolutely excited I am about this decision. God has proved faithful to me 1000x over, and this is something I have been praying about, and I feel like can show God my faithfulness to Him. I am shouting from the rooftops that the victory is His and His alone. I know that there are going to be times where I feel the same as I did from what I mentioned above, but and there is a major but here, God is bigger than it all. Hands down. No argument. I was bought at the price of His son, and I don't know about you, but that's a pretty dadgum big sacrifice He made for me and my mess I have created. So it's not even a question in my mind that I will do everything in my power to live a life that is pleasing to Him because of everything He has given to me. You always have a choice. This time I want to make sure that I'm choosing the light. I'm choosing His goodness and His mercy and His truths. I can't earn it. I don't deserve it. God gives it anyway. End of story. 

To close I want to share a song that a friend shared with me today. It is called, Battle Belongs by Phil Wickham, and it's incredibly powerful. Ironically, she had no idea that I had been working on a blog post about all of this, so I know this was 100% God using her to affirm things He had laid on my heart. Here are the opening verses: 

When all I see is the battle, You see my victory

When all I see is the mountain, You see a mountain moved

And as I walk through the shadow, Your love surrounds me

There's nothing to fear now for I am safe with you. 

Never in my life have I been so thankful for a God that is walking before me, beside me, and behind me. This life is not mine, but His. Not my will but Yours be done Jesus. 

Turbulence

Turbulence, like many of you probably already know, is what you experience on an airplane when it goes through unsteady winds and it's not really something you can prepare for. Instead, you almost anxiously wait for it to happen and when it does you have to trust the pilot and just ride it out. It can be small jolts lasting only a moment or two, but other times it might make you grip the armrest tightly and feel never-ending. It's something that interrupts your otherwise smooth ride when trying to get from point A to point B. It's inconvenient, sometimes scary, but it does eventually end. You might experience it again later in your flight or it could just be the one time or if you're lucky not at all. I feel like grief is similar. You can prepare for it in the sense that you know you may experience it, but you're not sure when or if you actually will. You don't know if it's going to last a moment, an hour, a day, a week, or a whole month. It can come out of nowhere. You're on a smooth ride and everything is truly great, but then it hits you, and like how you trust the pilot to bring you through, I have to trust God to bring me through when these moments hit. Sometimes it's the easiest thought to call on Him and other days it's a battle because the feelings are deep and dark and oftentimes all-consuming. 

Grief is weird. I feel like I have said that sentence more times than I can count in the last several months, but it just shows up and often at the worst of times. I will literally have days and weeks where I feel so joyful and whole, but then something will trigger me and the next day is almost debilitating with emotions. I find myself wondering if everything was a bad dream and I have to walk myself through certain events to remind myself that it was real. Trauma and its aftermath is a doozy, and it's definitely not something that is meant to be dealt with on your own. I recently stopped seeing my counselor because of the move, and I was so confident that I was fine and doing great, but one of those days knocked me off my feet, and I felt so much sadness and anger if I'm being honest. Part of me just wanted to keep laying on the couch doing nothing, but then this other part of me that I have been growing and cultivating told me to get up and move forward. It didn't instantly change all my feelings, but instead of letting them control me, I made a conscious choice to not stay in them. I verbalized my emotions to myself- yes, I am still at times incredibly angry, sad, and hurt, however, I have never felt so safe and happy and excited about my future. So I clung to the latter feelings, knowing that I have to keep taking those steps forward because I am headed in the right direction even if it doesn't always feel like it. 

I think being Type A also makes it hard to wait and trust for everything to fall into place. I very much want to know what is my next goal or what is the next thing I am working towards. This in turn sometimes causes me to question God and my purpose, which I think questioning isn't wrong, but it's easy to fall into the rabbit hole of "woe is me" and not actually do anything to change it or find answers. Today Pastor Craig shared a sermon which is the first one in the new series: Called. It was exactly what I needed to hear because it focused on God's calling for us. For me, I always think about this as a specific job or place, but he shared that our calling is "about WHO you are before WHAT you do." So simple, and yet so easily confused. The ultimate reason we were put on this earth is to serve and love others in order to share the good news that is Jesus Christ. We are called to be like Jesus, so in turn, that is WHO we are called to become rather than WHAT we are called to be doing. He shared that "WHO you are is way more important than WHAT you do," which I think as humans can be really hard for us because we want our actions to be recognized and pointed out. We live to be noticed by the things we do rather than the people we are. However, in our calling to be like Jesus it is through that that we learn what we need to be doing. When we are faithful from the big to the small things, then we are doing what we were called to do. It's hard for me to not want an exact assignment or task, but I'm slowly realizing that through being faithful by serving, praying, sharing my story, etc. that is in turn fulfilling my call even if it doesn't always feel like it. One of my favorite quotes from the sermon is "the size of your assignment does not determine its significance." Pastor Craig shared the example of David and Goliath and the story of feeding the 5000. In those moments, they had no idea that something so small and seemingly insignificant would have the impact it did. I have to quit looking for my next task and learn to be content in the season that I'm in. I am working through grief and it sucks, but instead of being constantly upset with myself for not moving fast enough or for still having moments of sadness, I have to learn to accept where I am at in my journey and trust God will guide me through as long as I am living for and serving Him with integrity, passion, and faithfulness. Success is not measured by all the things that I accomplish, but rather by how faithful I am to Jesus. It might just be that I am fulfilling my call by rediscovering myself and who I am in Christ as I work through all my emotions, and that's enough. 

Just like turbulence slows down a trip and creates a bumpier ride- grief may slow down the timeline of healing (in my mind) and make it a longer experience to get through. However, in order to move past it, you have to go through it and allow yourself to feel everything. If a pilot chose to speed through the bumpiness it could put everyone in danger and rushing through the tumultuous winds could cause more problems rather than solving the current one. Sometimes you have to take the hard, slow road in order to get to the place where God wants you to be. Experiencing the feelings of "unsteadiness" can be jarring and difficult, but staying on the course allows for moments of growth which ultimately will lead to healing. And in this thing called life, God is our ultimate pilot, so we have to rely on Him to steer us through everything. He promises in Hebrews 13 that He will never leave us nor forsake us, and He has proved that to be continually true in my life. So bring on the turbulence because it's in those moments where God holds me the closest and when I cling to Him the tightest. Plus, it's generally in these places where God reveals Himself and it allows for some truly amazing opportunities for trust and growth. Grief is hard, but I believe working through the turbulence in my life (my emotions) will make me stronger and wiser for the road ahead that He has prepared for me. 

To end I want to share a new song I heard this morning at church called, "Graves into Gardens," by Elevation Worship. It was one of those moments where I felt like God really wanted me to lean in and hear His promises to me through the song's message, and in my current state of life, I felt like it could not have been more fitting. Below I have shared a small section of the lyrics that spoke to me, but honestly, the whole song is amazing and everyone should listen to it. 

I'm not afraid

To show You my weakness

My failures and flaws

Lord, You've seen them all

And You still call me friend

'Cause the God of the mountain

Is the God of the valley

There's not a place

Your mercy and grace

Won't find me again

Oh, there's nothing better than You

There's nothing better than You

Lord, there's nothing

Nothing is better than You

(I know it's true)

I've said it before and I'll say it again, my life is not my own, and my God continues to reign victorious. When I experience those mind-numbing moments of grief, because I know it will happen again at some point, I have a choice, and I will continue to choose Him and His truths every single time. 

Enough.

My whole life I have struggled with the constant need to be liked. I am a people pleaser through and through and it kills me when I think I have upset someone or if I think someone isn't a fan of me. I feel like I have to be the one to fix it; to prove that I'm likable or that I fit in. Many times I was trying to fix problems that weren't even my fault, but I would apologize anyway. It was always terrifying to me to be on the outside, always feeling like I was involved, but never really chosen. I believed that I had to fit the mold or reach a certain standard and I would do almost anything to achieve that. I pushed aside people, things, morals, whatever it took to feel like I belonged. Most of the time it would last only a moment, and then I would find myself doing it all again for something or someone else. I was so unsatisfied with myself that I kept searching for the next thing that was going to make me feel better even if only temporary. Inevitably, the things that I thought I wanted were the same things that drained me and left me feeling empty. 

Social media makes it really easy to lie and give off the image that everything is perfect and wonderful. I didn't want to be viewed as someone who was broken or didn't have it together, so if I posted the right picture with the right caption and I received tons of likes from it, then it made me feel better and I could continue living like everything was fine. The thing is I was far from fine. I got really good at hiding my unhappiness because I would believe the lies that I told myself. I would create stories in my mind to make everything be better or provide explanations for others' actions, so I could justify the situation. I was unhappy for so long that it became my new normal, and honestly, I believed that if I tried harder or did more that it would get better. Usually, me trying harder or doing more didn't even get recognized, which only had me doing those things even more. Or on not so good days I would spiral and overanalyze why my efforts weren't working. For the last 27 years of my life, the question I have repeatedly asked myself is, "Why am I not enough?"

First, it was with family because I knew they had certain expectations and standards. So if I felt like I wasn't achieving that whether it be academics or otherwise I had a hard time feeling like I was letting them down. Then it was with friends. I was involved in so many activities that I had friends in a lot of places but because of that I never truly felt like I was on the inside. Then as I got older I worked a lot to pay for the things that I wanted to buy or experience. It felt like I was always busy when friends wanted to go do things, so it got to a point where they stopped asking me because I almost always had to say no. When I did find acceptance I was too quick to take it without looking at what I was getting myself into. I run off my emotions, which I know is not always a good thing, and I'm working on it, but at the time I would say it fueled way too many of my decisions. Someone came along and made me feel loved and accepted. However, as time went on I wasn't getting treated the way I knew I deserved, but I was invested and I clung to all the good things rather than recognizing all the not so good. Every time something bad happened the first words that would fly out of my mouth were always: "Why am I not enough?" I had this belief that I was responsible for other people's actions like I could fix it if only I worked hard enough. That logic is incredibly silly. I am not responsible for how others react or behave, and I hate that it took me this long to realize that truth.

For far too long I have lived my life for all the wrong things, and I was looking for love and acceptance from people and things that cannot satisfy. I lost myself by trying to be everything when it was not necessarily even being asked of me. I was so desperate to feel like I was enough with others that I didn't stop to consider that I am, on my own, and the people that deserve to be in my life will see that and know it too. I'm not saying I didn't have people who thought that about me, but I was so far gone in my own head and actions that I didn't believe them. Not to mention that the one person I so desperately wanted it from wasn't making me feel that way. I was so far down a rabbit hole that I was blinded from so many truths and partially unwilling to acknowledge them because I felt like I wasn't enough and I wouldn't ever be because of choices I had made.

And then my life blew up. My whole world turned upside down, and I finally realized it isn't me. I am enough. I didn't ask the question I had always asked because it was like I was finally seeing for the first time that truly as I am- I am enough. As cheesy as it sounds, that realization was incredibly freeing. I didn't cause others' actions and anything I did or could have done wouldn't have stopped them from making their own decisions. It didn't take away the hurt, but it finally allowed me to see that I deserve so much more. I have value and worth, and I'm tired of allowing others to take that away from me.

One thing my counselor told me to work on is being able to recognize my feelings and then compare them to reality. If the situation lends for me to apologize then do so, but if not, then take a step back and logically think through the situation and my emotions without letting them dictate my reaction. It seems so easy, and yet it tends to be more difficult than you think. I have to recognize that it is not my job to fix things. I can take ownership of my own actions and I can be hurt by others' actions, but I cannot change them to make myself feel better. I have to learn to accept people as they are and then learn to decide if I am going to allow them into my life or not. I have to learn when it is appropriate to walk away versus the people who are worth my time to stick it out with. This concept is even harder than the first. I don't like giving up, and I don't like feeling like I have failed at something or for someone. However, sometimes failure allows for the chance to do something again and do it better. Failure doesn't always have to be negative. It could easily be God's way of steering you in another direction. Part of learning and understanding that was by changing up my daily routines. One of the changes I have made in my life is to start the day off with Jesus whether it be through reading his word, devotional, prayer, listening to worship music, journaling, or all of the above. This time spent with Him sets me on the right track for my day and opens the line of communication to Him for the rest of the day as well. Through this, I quickly realized how faithful and attentive God is, and honestly the more He worked on my heart, the easier it was to have a better response when moments of insecurity popped up.

 At the beginning of the 2020 year, my pastor in Kansas shared a message about your one word for the year, and I instantly knew what my word would be: enough. I prayed over this and it continued to come up in my readings or things I would see. It was wild how God perfectly wove this word into my daily life and constantly reminded me of the truths behind it for Him and myself. From this word I believe that there are three things God wanted me to cling to and learn.

1) God is enough. No matter what trials I face or joys I experience, at the end of the day, God is all I need. My life may look different than I had originally hoped, but the purpose of my life isn't for me. My life is meant to be lived for Him, and that is enough for me.

2) I am enough. No one else gets to determine my value or dictate what I am worth. God created me in His perfect image, which means I have so much to offer. I have been blessed with many amazing things from Him, and it's past time I realize who I am and to whom I belong.

3) Enough is enough. Webster's Dictionary defines this phrase as: "to say that one wants something to stop because one can no longer accept or deal with it." Saying no or walking away or standing up for yourself is absolutely necessary and okay. You are never stuck and the future is unwritten. You don't have to settle or sell yourself short for someone else.

Something I have wanted for many, many years is a tattoo, and I chose to finally get one. I know many people won't agree with my decision, but I'm not living my life for others anymore. I have one life, so I'm done trying to fit someone else's expectations when the first person I need to be looking to is God. I am choosing to live my life for Him and only Him, and I prayed for months about this decision. I wanted to have a daily, physical reminder of who I am in Christ, so I chose my word. I chose this "scar," unlike the other "scars" I have in my life. And I choose to wear it proudly because it is a constant reminder of who God is and who I am in Him. I added the period at the end to emphasize there's no arguing it. God is enough. Period. I am enough. Period. Enough is enough. Period.

My good friend, Ciarra, took pictures of myself and my tattoo a few weeks ago, and when she shared the pictures with me I was overwhelmed and  I almost cried. I loved every single one. There wasn't a single picture that she sent me that I wanted to complain about. I am notorious for finding and pointing out little flaws in my pictures like my double chin, wobbly arms, crinkly eyes, etc. However, this time as I scrolled through each one I genuinely felt beautiful and I kept thinking to myself, I am enough. She perfectly captured my joy and my surrender to God and everything He has in store for me. I have looked over them several times and each time they just make me happier, and I am incredibly thankful to her for capturing these moments. I have shared a few of my favorites at the bottom of this post. 

I really want to get better at memorizing God's word and learning His truths that He has for us. In doing this one of my favorite scriptures that God laid on my heart to go along with my word and what it means to me is:

 

 "And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:38-39)

I love these verses because they are a fantastic reminder of God's immense grace and deep love for His children. I have been far from perfect, but He was always there waiting for me. My past is not my future, but I can use it to shape who I want to become. I may have many regrets, but instead of looking at them as baggage I am learning to see them as lessons, so I don't make the same mistakes again. And one day I pray that God will use my story to help someone else realize they are enough.