Dear 28

 Dear 28, 

    I thought it might be hard to say goodbye to you because it means being one year closer to 30, but truthfully I am ready to move forward. You were a year filled with celebrations, disappointments, travels, tiny victories, and hope. You brought me unexpected moments and people which have now become memories I treasure and some that are better left behind. In your year, I was able to experience the joy of Disney World, the anxiousness of starting a new job, the wonder of New York City, the pain of heart break, and the strengthening of my roots. I wouldn't trade a single moment of it because it helped shape me and prepare me for what comes next. 

    I will say this was the first year that I wasn't blazing through the final days of you to get to my birthday. It's not that I was dreading letting you go, but I wanted to savor every moment because I knew I would never get them back. 29, you were coming whether I wanted you to or not, so I had to enjoy each day that was left of you, 28. You were the year that I thought my life would look like I had always dreamed. I thought I would be ending you unlike how I started you and in some ways I am. In the details it looks different, but big picture I still feel like I am in the same spot. I'm sure it's a beautifully crafted lie by the devil to create resentment, but I don't feel like letting him win today. I know I'm not the same person from a year ago. 

    I may not be walking into 29 how I had anticipated, but I think I'm better off. Actually, I know I am. 28, you taught me that I have a voice and how to use it. You showed me that I don't have to settle. You gave me opportunities to learn more about myself and what I want. You helped me see that the love I have to give is a beautiful gift, but not everyone will appreciate it, and that's okay. You reminded me that I don't have to prove myself to know that I'm enough. You taught me how to put boundaries in place and keep them. You allowed me to rediscover old passions, try new things, and go places I'd never been before. Best of all, you were the year that I grew in my faith more than I ever have, and the year I began writing my book. You rekindled the hope that there are still far, far better things ahead, which is what makes letting you go so easy. 

     28, you will become a stepping stone in my life. Hopefully, one among many others to come, but one I am happy to leave behind. I am not afraid of the future because I know who is building it before I even take a step into it. I look expectantly to 29, and I am filled with excitement of what's to come. Thank you for your year of growth and change. Thank you for helping me continue to become the best version of myself. Thank you for all the memories. Thank you for bringing me to the exact place I am in today. What a year it has been, 28.

Here's to 29. 

Expectant

Every year I choose a word that I feel the Lord has placed on my heart. Usually, I know it prior to the first of the year, but this year was different. I was drawing blanks on what I wanted it to be or what I thought it should be, so I started to think that maybe I wouldn't have one at all. I don't know why I ever doubt God or why I ever think that He won't show up because as history would have it in my life - He always does. And in this case He absolutely did. 

The first weekend of the new year I kept coming across different forms of the word expectant. I heard it in a podcast, listened to it being used in a sermon, a friend used it when giving me a pep talk, and the list goes on. I didn't think it was random that this word kept popping up in my life. So I spoke it into existence: "This year my word is expectant." And then if I'm being honest, I forgot about it. Usually I write a post about my word of the year, and in my defense, I did start this post weeks ago. I just never finished it. I got consumed with other things in my life and forgot about it. I don't think it's a coincidence that I'm finishing it up now. When I first began writing this, I was in a different headspace and spot in my life. I saw things playing out differently, and when a path was paved outside of what I expected I was thrown for a loop. I hadn't thought about my word of the year or how the Lord was going to use it in my life until things changed. 

It's one thing to be expectant when things are going your way. It's an entirely different choice when things feel like they don't make sense. According to Dictionary.com, expectant means "having or showing an excited feeling that something is about to happen, especially something pleasant and interesting." Who wouldn't want to live life this way? I would love to walk around always believing that something awesome is about to happen, but how do you do that when your dreams and desires feel out of reach? How do you stay expectant when you're carrying around so many disappointments? If any of you have a quick fix answer to that, please let me know because I would love to have it figured out. Unfortuantely, in my experience, this is not how life or the Lord operates. I have learned though that one way to live expectant of the Lord and His goodness is by shifting your perspective. 

For me, it is super easy to see all the ways things have gone wrong or aren't going like I expected. It's hard to find the joy when I don't understand what He's doing. I'm guilty of living in a scarcity mentality of His faithfulness. This fear that when things don't pan out that nothing ever can again. Let me just tell you - that's stupid. I continue to learn that life is what you make of it. I can choose to see all the ways that I am blessed or I can choose to look at all the ways I think I'm not. I don't think anyone wants to dwell on disappointments, but I think it's safe to say that most of us do. Why is it so easy to prolong and stay focused on those negative thoughts rather than the positive ones? Why is it that a setback can consume your mind, but an answered prayer feels like a blip of thankfulness? Or maybe that's just me. All I know is that I tend to give more time and power to the events and people that cause hurt versus those that bring about healing and acceptance. This is where I believe that a perspective shift has to happen. It needs to become my default when those moments of bitterness creep in. I say this because in my experience, the fruit that comes from life's let downs is always significantly better than anything I could have asked for myself. I have countless stories of the Lord using my past pains to bring about something greater. All of those moments have taught me something about myself and have shaped me into the woman that I am today. That alone should be reason enough to live life expectantly. And yet I find myself falling into the same silly cycle of doubt and frustration. 

In Psalm 5:3, David says "Listen to my voice in the morning, Lord. Each morning I bring my requests to you and wait expectantly." Did you catch that? "wait expectantly" Key word: wait. Choosing to live life believing that something amazing is going to happen doesn't occur without that very important verb. I'm learning that I can be expectant that the Lord is going to do something incredible in my life, while also giving space for my current feelings, even if they're negative. I mean if you look at the verses prior to this, David is groaning before the Lord and crying out for help. And we call him the man after God's own heart. I think this is the main reason why he is one of my favorite bible characters. The dude is as emotional as me, so I can relate to him. The Lord never negates any of our feelings and He welcomes them, but what we have to be careful of is how much we let our feelings control our actions. I get to decide how much time I spend on them or much much mental space I give them. I control that. I am not helpless nor do I want to behave that way. 

So here I am still learning and growing with the same idea that I can be bummed that life doesn't look like what I thought, but at the same time I can be expectant that the Lord is far from done with me. Expectant of the Lord is exactly how I want to live out 2022. I want to be present in each moment I'm given, but be able to look forward with this excitement and belief that He is going to do something great even if it takes going through the weeds first. How different would my life look if I chose to live in expectation of His goodness because I know He is faithful and He is a promise keeper. If I could shift my perspective and live in a space of expectancy and believe that He is and always has been working for my good. My lows wouldn't have to be so crippling, and my highs could serve as reminders that He is exactly who He says He is. 

We may already be 1/4 of the way through the year (insane), and this may be considered a little late in posting, but I still have 3/4 of 2022 left. I don't want to waste another moment living like I don't serve a good and just God. I choose to live expectant that He knows me better than I know myself and the best is yet to come. 

Stop the Spiral

Some say that the biggest battle you'll ever fight is the one within your mind. In the last year, I can think of at least three different books from well-known Christian authors who focus solely on this war. That alone should prove how prevalent and very real this issue is among so many of us. And yet even being aware of it and attempting to gather as many tools as possible to fight it,  I still find myself struggling to not have the same battle every day. Especially when things happen in life that only exacerbate the feeling. In my mind, I tell myself that it only proves my biggest fear. On my stronger days, when this thought crosses my mind, I just imagine Jesus on the side jumping up and down waving his arms trying to tell me that all of that is just absolutely not true. Why is it so easy to believe the negative over the positive? Why do we spend so much time dwelling on what we will never be versus all that we are right now? 

The saying of you are our own worst enemy is more true than I could have ever imagined. As I get older I have found that I'm the one that sets myself up for failure by trying to strive for what I think everyone wants from me rather than just focusing on God and what He wants. I create these unrealistic expectations and when I don't meet them, I beat myself up for it. This, as Brene Brown would say, is my shame gremlin: supposed to be. I've talked about it before, but I cannot tell you the number of times I have allowed myself to spiral because of this feeling of not measuring up or because of the mistakes that have led me to where I am at today. And yet when I think about it all of these feelings are what I have put on myself. No one has told me that I'm not where I'm supposed to be or that I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing. Only I have told myself those things. So I guess the question I have to ask myself is- who am I really living for? 

If it's God, then dadgum girl, let those expectations fly away because He wants me exactly as I am. He wants you exactly where you are with or without all the bells and whistles this life has to offer. There is nothing we could say or do that would impress Him or turn Him away from us. Literally NOTHING. He doesn't care where we are at because He just wants us. I mean shoot He gave up His own son for us and He knew that we would turn from Him. He knew we would screw up. He knew we wouldn't listen. He knew we would outrightly choose everything but Him, and He still sacrificed His son. If that doesn't scream love, then I don't know what does. I'm not a parent, but I can only imagine how excruciating it would be to watch your child die a painful death. 

It's in these moments when I focus on that sole fact that I begin to get irritated at myself for doubting and then I start spiraling in the other direction. Then I imagine God just shaking His head at me, not out of disappointment, but out of frustration that I'm still making it about me when it isn't at all. It's about Him and what He has to freely offer us. That gift is always free and it's always there for us. He is always there for us. Every time I come crawling back with my metaphorical tail tucked between my legs He is there to greet me with grace and joy and never does He say I told you so. So why do I take His love for granted so often? Why do I know the truth and so often run from it? 

My mind is the thing that is ruining my attitude and actions. It's high time I take that control back. 

There's a saying that I have written in the notes folder on my phone, and for a long time, it was also on a sticky note that was placed on the inside of my work computer so I could see it every day. It says, "Feelings are meant to indicate, not dictate. Recognize them, but focus on the facts." I think this resonated with me because I have been told my whole life that I make emotional decisions and while that isn't always a bad thing it also is not a good thing. God gave us emotions for a reason, but they often mislead us. Sometimes people or things bring out feelings within us that can make it confusing to make a clear decision. It doesn't mean that we should never listen to how we are feeling, but it is important to not take them as the one and only answer. 

Just because something happens out of your control doesn't mean it gets to completely change the narrative. Don't give a moment or series of moments that much power. Identify what you know to be true and what God says is true and meditate on that. Your mind will believe what you tell it, so make sure you're filling it with what's real and not lies you've built from half-truths. 

For example, I started a new position this year and while I am beyond excited I am also filled with loads of anxiety. I am afraid that I won't do the job justice and that maybe I wasn't the best choice for these students. The moment that I begin to focus on those feelings, then I immediately begin to conclude that I am unqualified and not a good fit. I know that those last two statements are not true. The only truth is that I am new to the position and may lack knowledge that others who have been doing it longer will have. That doesn't mean I won't learn or pick up that knowledge. However, it's hard to not allow my feelings to run away and create their own story when I'm feeling so unsure. The same can be said for emotions rooted in anger or sadness or jealousy. The thing is I know that I wouldn't have been hired or chosen if the higher-ups didn't think I was capable, and I know that God wouldn't have opened that door for me if He didn't want me there. So it's in those moments where I make myself say (sometimes out loud) that I am nervous about my new job, BUT I am ecstatic to be trying something new and I will do my best to give it my all. I can give my feelings space to be seen, but not let them be the ones stealing the show. 

It's exhausting fighting this battle every day about so many aspects of my life, but I would rather fight than just roll over and give up. 

I had a friend tell me once that I tend to have a "balls to the wall" mentality which can be great but also can be detrimental at the same time. It's what sometimes gets me in trouble and leads me to make not well thought out decisions. It's also what leads to burnout when that same passion isn't returned or extended to me. And it can be what fuels unnecessary spirals. All of that starts in my mind and with the emotions, I'm currently feeling and allowing to grow inside of me. I know that it might sound silly or even too easy of a concept, but truthfully sometimes it is that simple. Taking control back starts with the thoughts you are allowing yourself to think.

 If I'm learning anything in this season, it is to truly believe that God is exactly who He says He is, and He ALWAYS comes through. I think this is important to get through my thick, stubborn skull because if that is the truth I live by, then I need to remember what He says about me when I start to spiral in my mind. At the end of the day,  I can either choose to believe the lies that are growing from insecurity, or I can fight them with the truth from the One who calls me valuable. I don't know about you, but I would rather listen to someone that lifts me up versus someone who tears me down.

If you're like me, struggling with some of these feelings, please know I see you, I feel you, and you're not alone. One of my many favorite quotes is: "Life is tough, darling, but so are you." 

Choose to stand up to the lies the enemy plants and let's fight back. We control our minds and all of our thoughts, and to be honest, he isn't even that creative. The only way he gets power is by us handing it over to him. Don't forget that you were created by the Alpha and Omega of the Universe. Stand tall and walk forward with the confidence of knowing you are chosen by the One who is always faithful. 

Just Be.

At the start of this year, I felt confident that my word of the year was growth. After finally reaching a place of restoring myself in many ways, logically I thought the next step was to expand on these new findings and grow into more of the person God wants me to be. In my mind everything centered around going and doing more. Trying harder. Striving higher. And yet ironically, the last couple of weeks I have felt this incessant fight within me to just be. Be still. Be content. Be listening. Be firm. Be confident. Be quiet.

I started doubting my word. Maybe I got it wrong. I felt like I was missing something or that no matter how hard I tried to fill the void it still wasn't working. And then there that feeling would come again. Just be. Be exactly where you are right now. Don't look ahead. Don't look behind. Just be. For someone who talks incredibly fast, whose brain moves a thousand miles a moment, and who walks with a purpose (I get ridiculously annoyed with slow walkers) this concept of just being still is incredibly difficult. I mean truly the task seems near impossible. I have places to go, people to see, things to do. However, that feeling keeps coming back to me. Just be. 

What if there is growth in being content exactly where you are placed instead of constantly trying to be somewhere else? What if instead of trying to work towards the next thing I start appreciating what's right in front of me? I'm learning there is joy to be found in the simple, everyday tasks. To start being grateful for the small details we so often miss because of the hustle of trying to get somewhere else. 

I want to be the slow and steady. Not the coming in hot and burning out quickly I am so notorious for. I want to show up and say what do you need? I want to be the hands and feet of Christ and do it for the simple fact that everyone deserves someone in their corner. I want to be the one that can fight for the person that feels like they can't anymore. I want to hold the hand of the person that feels like they can't take the next step, so I whisper encouragements to hold on and keep moving. I want to notice the way someone smiles and if it reaches their eyes or not. I want to be the one that can just sit and hold space with someone who needs it without filling the void with words. I believe that comes with learning to just be. 

You'd think the idea of slowing down and taking a step back would be a delightful one, but this control freak actually finds it daunting. What if I miss something important? What if I don't try and not doing becomes a failure in and of itself? How does one just be? How do you just stop and breathe and let your mind be exactly where your body is rather than running ahead? 

My prayer lately has been that regardless of what happens in my life I want to remember that God is still and always will be good. He is working in my life and weaving all the pieces together for my good and His glory. I have to learn to be patient and allow Him to work rather than putting a time limit and parameters on Him. I have to learn to sit instead of trying to look for the next thing. If you know anything about me, you know that the simple task of sitting still is not one that I do well. However, I just feel this constant reminder to plant my feet and be present in the exact moment I am in. Relish all the pieces of that moment- good and bad. This moment will not last, so enjoy it while it's here because you won't get it back. How much sweeter would life be if we could live each moment exactly as it is rather than constantly trying to move ahead and figure it all out? I've noticed that when I do take a breath and slow down I begin to see just how well God works in the tiny details. That even in the smallest most insignificant ways He is moving and listening to us. His love for us is so vast and deep that we can never truly comprehend it, but he shows us daily just how much. I want to be willing to see it rather than missing it completely. 

I don't know what the future holds. I wish I did. I wish I knew what I was walking towards and what to expect. If I did, then I would know how to prepare and what steps to take to get me there. I think in this season though God is continually challenging me to just trust Him. To take steps forward in faith rather than in the knowledge of what's to come. This is scary for me. I love surprises, but not this kind. This season I am in has been amazing in so many ways, and God has been faithful even when things didn't pan out how I anticipated. I know that He is walking with me, before me, and behind me. That continues to prove itself true each day, but man what I wouldn't give to know what He sees ahead. Then again not knowing is just another opportunity to trust Him. Relax and let Him do the heavy lifting. Chris Renzema has a song called "I Don't Wanna Go" that I have listened to over and over again this week, and it's been a solid reminder that I don't want to go anywhere that God isn't taking me. I want to be exactly where God is because He is enough.

He is present in every moment, and He is listening to every heart-filled cry. He will never leave us or forsake us even when we desert Him. He is moving in the chaos of your soul and the stillness of each fleeting moment. He is in the crashing of every single wave and in the blooming of each bud. He is in every valley and on every mountain top. He is working all things out for our good. Always. 

So I know that I need to just be. I know that I need to relax and let go. I need to lean into His gentle reminders that He has it all figured out, so I don't have to. I get to sit still and breathe while He does all the work because He can and will. My job right now is to be exactly where my feet are, with my palms facing up, and surrendering everything to the one who knows me best. There's a lot of unknowns in my life right now, but there are also so many things to be grateful for, so I'm choosing to focus on that. I need to trust the One who has literally always come through for me. In His presence, I need to just be. 

One Year.

 One year. 12 months. 365 days and then some. Countless hours and minutes. 

All of that and more to bring me to the place I am in exactly at this moment. If someone had told me a year ago that my life would look like it does now I'm not sure I would have believed them. I write this with a smile on my face because I am overwhelmed with emotion. I am so grateful to my family and the friendships I have formed, but most importantly to God for how incredibly faithful He has been to me. I can confidently say that I have experienced joy countless times in the last year, and I have never felt so mentally, emotionally, and physically healthy as I do right now. Sometimes I think back to a year or so ago and it makes my heart sad to think about the person I was. She was so lost and alone. She was hurting and so incredibly empty. I look back at pictures and the smile is plastered on because of all the turmoil in her heart. The thing I love now though is the fact that I get to use her as part of my story. I get the opportunity to use her to show others God's repeated blessings in my life. I wouldn't want to go back and relive it all, not even for a second, but I am grateful for my past because it brought me to exactly the point I am at today. My divorce gave me the chance to rebuild my life with a different, sturdier foundation. 

The thing about life is that it goes on whether we want it to or not. It continues on whether we are here or if we are no longer. Life is beyond us because we are not the only ones even if we continue to isolate ourselves. It would have been so easy to halfway put myself out there- to just do enough to get by. However, deep down, I knew I didn't want to waste this chance God was giving me to do better, be better. When I moved I told myself I wanted to be 100% in with wherever I went to church. I was not going to be someone who just showed up every week and slipped in and out without being noticed. If I was going to allow God to use me and my story, then I had to jump with both feet.  After my first Sunday at Life.Church I knew that God was doing something special there. By the end of the first month, I was plugged in with a life group and serving on Sundays and Wednesdays. It was genuinely the best decision I could have ever made. The people I have met there have changed my life and have given me the space to be exactly who God wants me to be- broken bits and all. So many people saw me for me, and I didn't have to fit into anyone's boxes before being loved. It was like a breath of fresh air I didn't even know was possible or how desperately I needed it. 

Another thing I promised myself was a full year focusing solely on my relationship with God. I told myself I wanted to experience Him like never before. And I did just that. I kept my word. I put in the work and pushed myself in ways I never have before, and if I'm being honest, there was a part of me that expected a certain result at that year mark. I'm not saying I didn't or don't see all the amazing changes that have taken place in my life, but what do you do when you reach your goal and it doesn't exactly meet your expectation? Part of me feels like all the positive things are overshadowed by the simple fact that I'm not where I thought I would be. Sometimes I feel like I'm left the same as I started and maybe at times I even start to feel worse because my expectations haven't been met. Therein lies the problem: unrealistic expectations. Even as I write this I know how silly and selfish all that sounds. God has done some BIG things in my life and has moved in major ways, so now because it's a year later I'm upset because it doesn't look exactly as I anticipated? Ungrateful, much? 

I say all of that to show I'm human. Not that I should use that as an excuse, but to prove that even those that feel like they're on the mountaintop have some serious valley moments in the midst of all the happiness. It's my whole two emotions existing at once. Truly if someone was in my brain I think they would run screaming for the hills. I know I'm exhausting. This year I know I need to quit trying to plan ahead. I need to learn to be in the now. I need to be exactly where my feet are and where I planted all those seeds. I need to care for each one and give them space and time to grow. I want to enjoy every small and mundane thing because there is joy to be found there. Why put in all the hard work if you're just going to fly by and not appreciate all the small victories along the way? It's important to celebrate each one. They should be remembered because life isn't always sunshine and rainbows. 

I can't tell you how many moments I have had along the way where I wanted to give up because it hurt too much or just seemed like my past was going to keep popping up wherever I looked. The shame and the guilt, at times, have felt too much to bear. However, I remember reading the following somewhere and it was a swift kick in the gut: "Why do you keep reminding me of what my son died to redeem? Was His death not enough for you?" And oof. I mean truly talk about a slap across the face. I remember reading and rereading that and realizing that I can either tightly cling to all the mess that God has already taken from me or I can let it go and allow God to do a new thing in my life and truly accept His absolutely free gift. The thing is the past is the past. It's there. I can't change it and I can't remove it. My only option is to surrender it to God, ask for forgiveness, and then take small steps forward. God's grace is enough and it washes over me like a tidal wave. Again and again and again. So why fight it and explain all the ways I don't deserve it because I absolutely do not- when I can accept it and use my story to show others exactly who He is and what He has done for me. 

I am learning to trust in exactly who God is and know that the plans He has for me are greater than anything I could ask or imagine. In the last few months whenever I start to have doubts, I hear this small voice from God in the back of my mind asking, but do you trust me? I want to say yes, but how many times do I end up just like the Israelites quickly forgetting all the ways God has come through for me? How many times do I receive "manna," but I find myself asking (probably more like whining) for "quail" instead? It's a reality check because I can't just say those words. I have to live a life that is a reflection of them. 

Christine Caine once said, "I have learned to place what I do know about God above what I don't know about the future." Worry leads to stress which leads to anxiety and that's just a dark path that I don't want dictating my life. I have no idea what the future holds. Do I get impatient? Of course. I want to get married again and experience it exactly how God designed it. I want to be a mom and know what it's like to hold my child in my arms. Do I get frustrated? Absolutely. So many things have aligned in my life, seemingly perfect, only for them to disappear just as quickly. It's irritating and confusing, and sometimes I just want to shout, I've done the work, God, how much longer do I have to keep working? However, I know that I don't want all those things my way. Been there, done that - it doesn't work. I just need to show up, take the first step, and then keep going. One small step at a time.

Many times though I see other people and it's hard to not want what they have or want to be where they are at in life. I mean social media makes it so easy now to live in a constant state of comparison. It's the whole the grass is always greener on the other side situation. Inevitably someone's response to that is usually well the grass is greenest where you water it. Yet there are many times where I think, God I am literally drowning my grass by giving it all the water I can, and I'm still here with what seems to be, at the moment, no change. However, when I take a step back and stop trying so hard, I can see just how far I've come in a year - truly my grass is flourishing. Maybe not in the way that I anticipated or thought, but I'm growing the most beautiful garden with the help of a mighty God and that is something to be thankful for. I need to be like the horses that race with blinders on so I can avoid the distractions and lies around me that make me think where I'm at is less than desirable. My race, my story is all mine and can't be compared to anyone else's. God is using me exactly how He wants and I'm learning to trust in His timing. Not my will, but His. 

I edited and re-edited and cut and pasted this entry so many times because it was mixed with so many positive and then negative emotions. I felt like I was going to be giving anyone who reads this entry whiplash. Honestly, though that's a perfect representation of this last year. Both good and bad. Pretty and messy. Smooth and bumpy. Content and distraught. And the best part is God is present in all of it. He's there even when I don't feel it or see it or remotely understand it. He's there in the midst of the storm and in the peace of the calm.  He's there working everything together for His glory. And I for one could not be more thankful for his patience with me and all my emotions. 

2020 was a really hard year for so many reasons and for so many people besides myself, but I didn't hate it. I might even be the crazy one that says I enjoyed it because it's where I rediscovered myself and I got to experience God like never before. This last year has taught me that I am resilient. I am kind. I am stronger than I think. I am beautiful- inside and out. I am passionate and bring light into this world. I can do hard things and new things. I am NOT defined by my past. I am worthy of being loved. And most importantly, I am chosen by God.

Guess what. 

So are you. 

No matter the past. No matter the mess. No matter the doubts.

A lot can change in a year. Are you willing to take the first step?