Rise.

Here's the thing- I can't change my past or my choices. I can't fix what was broken. I can't redo moments that I wish I could rewrite. I relate all too well to Esau giving away his birthright to his brother Jacob (Genesis 25) because at the moment it felt good. It was like putting a band aid on a wound that needed stitches; a temporary fix that never healed. Making those choices made sense in that context, but neither of us thought about what it would cost us later. 

At some point, I had made so many choices out of instant gratification that I started to believe that was all I was capable of doing. I had created a pattern that wasn't honoring God and it felt like I was buried, so logically I just kept making the same choice. The thought of "what's the point" crossed my mind because I felt like I had made too many bad decisions. All of them led me so far down a path that it was hard to see where I even started. The road back up seemed too hard and daunting and honestly impossible. I reverted to this mode of self-preservation, and I got to a point where it was easier to believe the lies because it was the only thing keeping me from drowning. But what I didn't realize was those same lies were the very thing that were holding me under the water not keeping me above it.

The devil is crafty. He knows how to corner us, and what better way to keep me where he wanted me than by making me stay in the water by manipulating me to believe my head was only above it because of the hill of deceit and disappointment I had created. Logically, I believed that in order to "get out" I should keep adding to it. Building the hill up so my head would never fall underneath the surface. It was easier to believe that I was a colossal screw-up than it was to believe that people could forgive me and look past the trail of damage I had following me. I started to wear my choices like a protective covering because on some messed up level it made me feel safe. It was easier to hide behind shame because then I started to believe that was the kind of person I was rather than fighting to change it. But in doing so I was preventing God from using my story to bring restoration- whether it be just for me or for others by sharing it and getting honest about how I was doing. Staying in the water only punished me by keeping me trapped, and it gave the devil an easy victory that we all know he absolutely does not deserve.

When I finally decided I wanted out of the water I became aware of some things. I had help creating the lies I believed. The things that were said to me, done to me helped to create this idea in my mind for years that I wasn't good enough. I didn't deserve a chance to be better. I wasn't worthy. I believed it was just who I was. But all that time I had a tiny inkling in the back of my mind trying to break its way out- reminding me of God's truths and not the world's. It took me reaching my breaking point in my marriage for that sliver to to burst forth and completely change the trajectory of my life. I finally had had enough. I was tired of being put down. I was tired of living low. I was tired of believing the lies I had allowed to keep me stuck and empty. I wanted something different, so I decided shake myself free from those labels and thoughts. I chose to finally rise above it all.

Fast forward a couple years, and I'm thriving in a new place, in a new job, in a new church with amazing community, and it feels good. Every once in awhile my past pops up like it's always prone to do, but I work through it. I don't allow it to define me because I chose to rise. I would be lying if I said it wasn't hard though. It is like a dark shadow that lingers behind me every day. I have to choose to not let the same lies dictate my actions and beliefs. I have to fight to not travel down the same rabbit holes and force myself to work through my triggers versus ignoring them. Most people who hear my story are empathetic while others struggle to grasp why I stayed for so long. I have to be careful to not allow their questions to fuel any shame I fight against keeping around. I mean even now being on the other side of things I sometimes have a hard time understanding why I stayed for so long because I've finally been out of it long enough that I am able to think clearly. It's hard to not ask myself those same questions because I feel like a completely different person. However, I've heard that being in a toxic situation is like being addicted to a drug, and addictions are hard to break. Knowing this makes me want to not focus on why I stayed, but celebrate the fact that I broke free. 

Healing is a tough business because while valleys are difficult; mountaintops are terrifying. You work so hard to get up that when you reach the top the view is hard to enjoy because you're too scared about falling back down. You cling desperately to the peak which can result in living a life of constant fear. Fear of failure. Fear of rejection. Fear of taking the wrong step. Fear of never being able to trust yourself again. Fear that you aren't really healed. Fear that someone will never be able to look beyond the dark cloud that hovers. You do all that work to be better, to rise, and you can't even allow yourself the pleasure of looking around and seeing the view from up high. 

The funny thing about a mountaintop though is that at some point you have to come down. A friend reminded me of this over coffee and she made the point that we can either fall backward or fall forwards, but that choice is ours. Getting to a mountaintop doesn't guarantee never being in a valley again, but it can equip us to be prepared for it and that valley doesn't have to seem so impossibly deep. I was listening to a sermon the other day and the pastor said, "He doesn't always pull us out of the situation, but He always enters into the situation with us." This is how we combat those valley moments. This is how we avoid that drowning feeling. Because God is always in those moments with us. Getting knocked down is inevitable. Being pulled into the water is impossible to avoid. Falling off a mountain top is going to happen. Perspective is what drives how we choose to see those situations in our lives. And in those situations we have to choose to rise. 

And the thing is we never have to do it alone. That's a guarantee backed up by scripture. Joshua 1:9 says "This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” He promises to be with us in every single situation no matter its "location." In this life, we will face trials regardless of if we love Jesus or not. The benefit of aligning our lives to His is that when those moments hit we'll be better prepared to handle them not because of who we are, but because of who He is. 

So choose to rise on mountaintops and enjoy the view. Choose to rise in the valley even when you have to lean on Jesus for support to stand. Choose to rise and swim out of the water even if He's having to basically drag you out. Choose to rise regardless because it's better than staying down. Choose to cling to the belief that this world is temporary and place your hope in the peaceful fact that there are far, far better things ahead. I don't know how my story or your story ends, but we can choose to remember all the ways God has been faithful to us and that's enough to sustain us as we move forward and choose to rise. Every time. 

Welcoming Rejection

I used to always anticipate rejection. I used to assume that the people around me would eventually decide I wasn’t someone they wanted around. Because of this assumption, I felt the need to prove myself, and I would attempt to control the outcome by overcompensating in the hopes it would convince them to stay. This only perpetuated some of the statements I’ve been told before like I’m dramatic or over the top. And because of this cycle, I have had to fight off bitterness and resentment in some situations. But I'm tired. I am exhausted living like this, and I know it's a miserable way to live life. I don't want to live in expectation of rejection. I don't want to have to fight and prove my worth to someone. It’s a hostile space and it isn't going to help me be more like Christ or light to others.

In the past when I have been rejected, especially, in the romantic sense, I have allowed those moments to completely steal my self-worth. I allowed myself to find my value in them or rather not see my value because I "lost" it when I was rejected. I gave them too much power over me, and once I started that trend I struggled to stop it. Trust me- I recognize how absolutely wrong that is, but each time I was so wrapped up in being liked and being chosen that when I wasn't it was devastating. After years of this, I have allowed a fear to grow. It's an incredibly silly fear, and I know it's not rooted in truth, but nonetheless, I have it. My fear is that I'll never be chosen. Specifically, in the romantic sense, by a man. I know, it's ridiculous, and I'm shaking my head even as I write this, but if I'm being honest and raw with you it's a thought that often crosses my mind. It’s a battle that I fight daily because I’m scared that my past and the things I have been through are going to be too much. I’m afraid that I am too much. 

I am a work-in-progress people pleaser, so rejection is hard. But let's be real, rejection is hard for anyone. We just handle it in different ways. Some people respond by using it as fuel to keep pushing on while others allow it to burn their light out completely. Unfortunately for me, I've been a member of the latter example too many times. I try to get back up. I try to not be affected, but after so many times of the same thing, you begin to become a little jaded. I mean rightfully so though, right? However, the challenge for myself lately is instead of looking at rejection as something negative and personal- I need to learn to take it as an opportunity to eagerly anticipate what's meant to be for me. I need to choose to turn it into a learning experience that drives me towards the thing or person that God has for me. I know I will continue to face rejection for the rest of my life so I can either let it drown me or fuel me. It only has as much power as I choose to give it. 

I want to learn how to keep that perspective in the forefront of my mind. I don’t want to continue to live with anxiety over this. I want to see all of those rejections as a blessing because each one saved me from less than God’s best. I want to be with the man who knows without a doubt I am the person he wants to be with no matter the hurdles. I want to be with the man who can’t imagine a life without me in it and who makes it clear that me and us are exactly what he wants.  And while I am waiting for that man and part of my story to develop, I want to spend less time focusing on who that man is and more time focusing on all the people who do choose me and continue to show up for me. Because how ungrateful is it to continue to allow all of my past experiences to taint any future ones and more importantly the healthy relationships I currently have. It's not fair to the people in my life that are totally in my corner, loving me for me to just assume that one day they're going to leave and decide I'm not worth their time anymore. It's not fair to put that label on them just because others have done it to me before. And yet here I am doing exactly that- living in the fear that one day they will realize they no longer need or want me around. I hate how depressing that sounds, and I hate that my brain can so easily default to these thoughts when I am fighting so hard to fix all of the crossed wires. Truthfully, it would be so much easier to just sweep all these feelings under the metaphorical rug and keep moving forward in life without giving them a second thought. Sometimes I really would love to do just that. However, my rug is becoming a tiny mountain, so I've been working on sorting through them and smoothing the rug back out.

I recently finished reading Kait Wartman's book, Thank You for Rejecting Me, and it was such an easy and powerful read. It reiterated my need to change my perspective and mindset on the things that have been said and done to me by others and by myself. It reaffirmed that I give way too much control and power to others expecting them to fill the voids in my life. That's why it's so difficult when people leave because I was letting them complete me rather than learning how to be whole on my own with Christ. It sucks to admit that because I don't want to seem like a weak person or someone who can't be alone, but I would say it's probably fair to assume I am not the only one who has created this pattern for themselves. I have always said that my goal in being open and honest with people is to provide space for someone to feel seen and heard through my words. I hope that's happening now and if it's you I hope you hear me loud and clear when I say that the only one who can satisfy you is Jesus. It might sound cheesy and you might roll your eyes as you read that sentence, but it is the truest statement I could write. Nothing in my life that has been worth remembering has happened without Him. 

I started this post 9 months ago right after I went to something called Chazown at my Life.Church campus. The point of the class is to use your core values, spiritual gifts, and past experiences to form your Chazown (vision) statement for your life. I wasn’t really sure what to expect from it, but the whole experience was eye-opening for me. It helped me to see that a majority of the painful memories in my life are rooted in some form of rejection. So no wonder I struggle with it. I didn’t want to keep giving control to this fear, and my way of standing up to it is to write and tell my story. Thus my statement ended up being: To share my story to help others see their worth in Christ. 

That experience led me to write the initial draft of this post, but from the start, it sounded so negative. I didn’t feel like the message I wanted to convey was properly being put into words, so I would open it every couple of months, read through it again and again, and then add new thoughts to it. I wanted to be honest with my feelings and vulnerable with this struggle, however, I didn’t want it to be a discouraging post. As I’m currently adding thoughts and editing, I’m realizing that I’ve finally had a mindset shift. I no longer dread rejection or want to hide from it. That’s not to say that I seek it out or run head-on into it, but I know that it’s bound to happen, and there is so much good that can come from it. It can make me stronger and more resilient. Besides, why do I want people in my life that don’t want to be around anyway? 

And as I reflect back on my life so far, after the times where I felt the most rejected- there were and continue to be some of the most incredibly positive, significant moments that formed because of the negative ones. To me, that is proof of God's goodness and how He used the difficult parts of my story to bring about something greater beyond what I could comprehend in my moments of rejection and pain. 

Not everyone in this life is going to like me. I don't like frustrating or disappointing people, but I'm learning that it's going to happen and it's okay. If I'm living my life the way God intended, then it's going to be inevitable. John 15:18 says, “If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first.” And what an example Jesus is for us. So I can either continue to let other people define how I live my life or I can grow my backbone and be confident in the person I am becoming.

Dear 28

 Dear 28, 

    I thought it might be hard to say goodbye to you because it means being one year closer to 30, but truthfully I am ready to move forward. You were a year filled with celebrations, disappointments, travels, tiny victories, and hope. You brought me unexpected moments and people which have now become memories I treasure and some that are better left behind. In your year, I was able to experience the joy of Disney World, the anxiousness of starting a new job, the wonder of New York City, the pain of heart break, and the strengthening of my roots. I wouldn't trade a single moment of it because it helped shape me and prepare me for what comes next. 

    I will say this was the first year that I wasn't blazing through the final days of you to get to my birthday. It's not that I was dreading letting you go, but I wanted to savor every moment because I knew I would never get them back. 29, you were coming whether I wanted you to or not, so I had to enjoy each day that was left of you, 28. You were the year that I thought my life would look like I had always dreamed. I thought I would be ending you unlike how I started you and in some ways I am. In the details it looks different, but big picture I still feel like I am in the same spot. I'm sure it's a beautifully crafted lie by the devil to create resentment, but I don't feel like letting him win today. I know I'm not the same person from a year ago. 

    I may not be walking into 29 how I had anticipated, but I think I'm better off. Actually, I know I am. 28, you taught me that I have a voice and how to use it. You showed me that I don't have to settle. You gave me opportunities to learn more about myself and what I want. You helped me see that the love I have to give is a beautiful gift, but not everyone will appreciate it, and that's okay. You reminded me that I don't have to prove myself to know that I'm enough. You taught me how to put boundaries in place and keep them. You allowed me to rediscover old passions, try new things, and go places I'd never been before. Best of all, you were the year that I grew in my faith more than I ever have, and the year I began writing my book. You rekindled the hope that there are still far, far better things ahead, which is what makes letting you go so easy. 

     28, you will become a stepping stone in my life. Hopefully, one among many others to come, but one I am happy to leave behind. I am not afraid of the future because I know who is building it before I even take a step into it. I look expectantly to 29, and I am filled with excitement of what's to come. Thank you for your year of growth and change. Thank you for helping me continue to become the best version of myself. Thank you for all the memories. Thank you for bringing me to the exact place I am in today. What a year it has been, 28.

Here's to 29. 

Expectant

Every year I choose a word that I feel the Lord has placed on my heart. Usually, I know it prior to the first of the year, but this year was different. I was drawing blanks on what I wanted it to be or what I thought it should be, so I started to think that maybe I wouldn't have one at all. I don't know why I ever doubt God or why I ever think that He won't show up because as history would have it in my life - He always does. And in this case He absolutely did. 

The first weekend of the new year I kept coming across different forms of the word expectant. I heard it in a podcast, listened to it being used in a sermon, a friend used it when giving me a pep talk, and the list goes on. I didn't think it was random that this word kept popping up in my life. So I spoke it into existence: "This year my word is expectant." And then if I'm being honest, I forgot about it. Usually I write a post about my word of the year, and in my defense, I did start this post weeks ago. I just never finished it. I got consumed with other things in my life and forgot about it. I don't think it's a coincidence that I'm finishing it up now. When I first began writing this, I was in a different headspace and spot in my life. I saw things playing out differently, and when a path was paved outside of what I expected I was thrown for a loop. I hadn't thought about my word of the year or how the Lord was going to use it in my life until things changed. 

It's one thing to be expectant when things are going your way. It's an entirely different choice when things feel like they don't make sense. According to Dictionary.com, expectant means "having or showing an excited feeling that something is about to happen, especially something pleasant and interesting." Who wouldn't want to live life this way? I would love to walk around always believing that something awesome is about to happen, but how do you do that when your dreams and desires feel out of reach? How do you stay expectant when you're carrying around so many disappointments? If any of you have a quick fix answer to that, please let me know because I would love to have it figured out. Unfortuantely, in my experience, this is not how life or the Lord operates. I have learned though that one way to live expectant of the Lord and His goodness is by shifting your perspective. 

For me, it is super easy to see all the ways things have gone wrong or aren't going like I expected. It's hard to find the joy when I don't understand what He's doing. I'm guilty of living in a scarcity mentality of His faithfulness. This fear that when things don't pan out that nothing ever can again. Let me just tell you - that's stupid. I continue to learn that life is what you make of it. I can choose to see all the ways that I am blessed or I can choose to look at all the ways I think I'm not. I don't think anyone wants to dwell on disappointments, but I think it's safe to say that most of us do. Why is it so easy to prolong and stay focused on those negative thoughts rather than the positive ones? Why is it that a setback can consume your mind, but an answered prayer feels like a blip of thankfulness? Or maybe that's just me. All I know is that I tend to give more time and power to the events and people that cause hurt versus those that bring about healing and acceptance. This is where I believe that a perspective shift has to happen. It needs to become my default when those moments of bitterness creep in. I say this because in my experience, the fruit that comes from life's let downs is always significantly better than anything I could have asked for myself. I have countless stories of the Lord using my past pains to bring about something greater. All of those moments have taught me something about myself and have shaped me into the woman that I am today. That alone should be reason enough to live life expectantly. And yet I find myself falling into the same silly cycle of doubt and frustration. 

In Psalm 5:3, David says "Listen to my voice in the morning, Lord. Each morning I bring my requests to you and wait expectantly." Did you catch that? "wait expectantly" Key word: wait. Choosing to live life believing that something amazing is going to happen doesn't occur without that very important verb. I'm learning that I can be expectant that the Lord is going to do something incredible in my life, while also giving space for my current feelings, even if they're negative. I mean if you look at the verses prior to this, David is groaning before the Lord and crying out for help. And we call him the man after God's own heart. I think this is the main reason why he is one of my favorite bible characters. The dude is as emotional as me, so I can relate to him. The Lord never negates any of our feelings and He welcomes them, but what we have to be careful of is how much we let our feelings control our actions. I get to decide how much time I spend on them or much much mental space I give them. I control that. I am not helpless nor do I want to behave that way. 

So here I am still learning and growing with the same idea that I can be bummed that life doesn't look like what I thought, but at the same time I can be expectant that the Lord is far from done with me. Expectant of the Lord is exactly how I want to live out 2022. I want to be present in each moment I'm given, but be able to look forward with this excitement and belief that He is going to do something great even if it takes going through the weeds first. How different would my life look if I chose to live in expectation of His goodness because I know He is faithful and He is a promise keeper. If I could shift my perspective and live in a space of expectancy and believe that He is and always has been working for my good. My lows wouldn't have to be so crippling, and my highs could serve as reminders that He is exactly who He says He is. 

We may already be 1/4 of the way through the year (insane), and this may be considered a little late in posting, but I still have 3/4 of 2022 left. I don't want to waste another moment living like I don't serve a good and just God. I choose to live expectant that He knows me better than I know myself and the best is yet to come. 

Stop the Spiral

Some say that the biggest battle you'll ever fight is the one within your mind. In the last year, I can think of at least three different books from well-known Christian authors who focus solely on this war. That alone should prove how prevalent and very real this issue is among so many of us. And yet even being aware of it and attempting to gather as many tools as possible to fight it,  I still find myself struggling to not have the same battle every day. Especially when things happen in life that only exacerbate the feeling. In my mind, I tell myself that it only proves my biggest fear. On my stronger days, when this thought crosses my mind, I just imagine Jesus on the side jumping up and down waving his arms trying to tell me that all of that is just absolutely not true. Why is it so easy to believe the negative over the positive? Why do we spend so much time dwelling on what we will never be versus all that we are right now? 

The saying of you are our own worst enemy is more true than I could have ever imagined. As I get older I have found that I'm the one that sets myself up for failure by trying to strive for what I think everyone wants from me rather than just focusing on God and what He wants. I create these unrealistic expectations and when I don't meet them, I beat myself up for it. This, as Brene Brown would say, is my shame gremlin: supposed to be. I've talked about it before, but I cannot tell you the number of times I have allowed myself to spiral because of this feeling of not measuring up or because of the mistakes that have led me to where I am at today. And yet when I think about it all of these feelings are what I have put on myself. No one has told me that I'm not where I'm supposed to be or that I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing. Only I have told myself those things. So I guess the question I have to ask myself is- who am I really living for? 

If it's God, then dadgum girl, let those expectations fly away because He wants me exactly as I am. He wants you exactly where you are with or without all the bells and whistles this life has to offer. There is nothing we could say or do that would impress Him or turn Him away from us. Literally NOTHING. He doesn't care where we are at because He just wants us. I mean shoot He gave up His own son for us and He knew that we would turn from Him. He knew we would screw up. He knew we wouldn't listen. He knew we would outrightly choose everything but Him, and He still sacrificed His son. If that doesn't scream love, then I don't know what does. I'm not a parent, but I can only imagine how excruciating it would be to watch your child die a painful death. 

It's in these moments when I focus on that sole fact that I begin to get irritated at myself for doubting and then I start spiraling in the other direction. Then I imagine God just shaking His head at me, not out of disappointment, but out of frustration that I'm still making it about me when it isn't at all. It's about Him and what He has to freely offer us. That gift is always free and it's always there for us. He is always there for us. Every time I come crawling back with my metaphorical tail tucked between my legs He is there to greet me with grace and joy and never does He say I told you so. So why do I take His love for granted so often? Why do I know the truth and so often run from it? 

My mind is the thing that is ruining my attitude and actions. It's high time I take that control back. 

There's a saying that I have written in the notes folder on my phone, and for a long time, it was also on a sticky note that was placed on the inside of my work computer so I could see it every day. It says, "Feelings are meant to indicate, not dictate. Recognize them, but focus on the facts." I think this resonated with me because I have been told my whole life that I make emotional decisions and while that isn't always a bad thing it also is not a good thing. God gave us emotions for a reason, but they often mislead us. Sometimes people or things bring out feelings within us that can make it confusing to make a clear decision. It doesn't mean that we should never listen to how we are feeling, but it is important to not take them as the one and only answer. 

Just because something happens out of your control doesn't mean it gets to completely change the narrative. Don't give a moment or series of moments that much power. Identify what you know to be true and what God says is true and meditate on that. Your mind will believe what you tell it, so make sure you're filling it with what's real and not lies you've built from half-truths. 

For example, I started a new position this year and while I am beyond excited I am also filled with loads of anxiety. I am afraid that I won't do the job justice and that maybe I wasn't the best choice for these students. The moment that I begin to focus on those feelings, then I immediately begin to conclude that I am unqualified and not a good fit. I know that those last two statements are not true. The only truth is that I am new to the position and may lack knowledge that others who have been doing it longer will have. That doesn't mean I won't learn or pick up that knowledge. However, it's hard to not allow my feelings to run away and create their own story when I'm feeling so unsure. The same can be said for emotions rooted in anger or sadness or jealousy. The thing is I know that I wouldn't have been hired or chosen if the higher-ups didn't think I was capable, and I know that God wouldn't have opened that door for me if He didn't want me there. So it's in those moments where I make myself say (sometimes out loud) that I am nervous about my new job, BUT I am ecstatic to be trying something new and I will do my best to give it my all. I can give my feelings space to be seen, but not let them be the ones stealing the show. 

It's exhausting fighting this battle every day about so many aspects of my life, but I would rather fight than just roll over and give up. 

I had a friend tell me once that I tend to have a "balls to the wall" mentality which can be great but also can be detrimental at the same time. It's what sometimes gets me in trouble and leads me to make not well thought out decisions. It's also what leads to burnout when that same passion isn't returned or extended to me. And it can be what fuels unnecessary spirals. All of that starts in my mind and with the emotions, I'm currently feeling and allowing to grow inside of me. I know that it might sound silly or even too easy of a concept, but truthfully sometimes it is that simple. Taking control back starts with the thoughts you are allowing yourself to think.

 If I'm learning anything in this season, it is to truly believe that God is exactly who He says He is, and He ALWAYS comes through. I think this is important to get through my thick, stubborn skull because if that is the truth I live by, then I need to remember what He says about me when I start to spiral in my mind. At the end of the day,  I can either choose to believe the lies that are growing from insecurity, or I can fight them with the truth from the One who calls me valuable. I don't know about you, but I would rather listen to someone that lifts me up versus someone who tears me down.

If you're like me, struggling with some of these feelings, please know I see you, I feel you, and you're not alone. One of my many favorite quotes is: "Life is tough, darling, but so are you." 

Choose to stand up to the lies the enemy plants and let's fight back. We control our minds and all of our thoughts, and to be honest, he isn't even that creative. The only way he gets power is by us handing it over to him. Don't forget that you were created by the Alpha and Omega of the Universe. Stand tall and walk forward with the confidence of knowing you are chosen by the One who is always faithful.